From kinzler Mon Nov 12 09:27:02 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Mon, 12 Nov 90 09:20:49 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #225 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 225 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #225 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 12 Nov 90 09:20:49 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 220 24 votes 47553 16665 35763 26754 28662 66633 37662 068a0 45852 57633 220 2.9 mean 2.8 3.3 3.0 3.1 2.9 2.6 2.9 3.2 2.8 2.7 --- 225-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why does every magazine I buy have all of those little cards in it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, good, someone has penetrated from the Trivial Questions to the } Fundamental Mysteries. I suggest that you examine those cards very } closely. You notice that they invariable have the name of the magazine } on it, and often small pictures of previous issues. Upon a moment's } reflection (which, of course, is all the Oracle has given it), it } becomes clear: The small cards (those in the know call them "Drop In } Your Lap Cards") are Magazine Seeds! } } Or, even more particularly, embiotic magazines. While the precise } fertilization mechanism is unclear, the female magazine (which is the } one that is usually sent out to newsstands, the male magazines being in } that percentage listed as "Spoiled, office use, or unaccounted for" on } the form the publisher has to send to the post office) carries the card } until it is ready to continue on to its next stage of life, the larval } (also called glossy brochure) stage. In some species, the card carries } with it the genetic imprint of the father issue in the form of a } picture of that issue's cover, or even the contents. } } To complete the life-cycle, simply mail the card back to the publisher; } magazines are so highly adapted to human civilization that the post } office is required for a new magazine to be born. Don't write your } address on it, in as much as that indicates adoption of the new } magazine, and the publisher will send it to you upon receipt (lots of } possibly undesirable relatives, such as more glossy brochures and other } magazines might follow, once you're "in the family"). Often attaching } a heavy brick improves the new baby magazine's chances in life. DON'T } THROW THOSE CARDS AWAY! That's magazine abortion, and is illegal in } several states. } } You owe the Oracle the winnings from the Publisher's Cleaning House } Sweepstakes. --- 225-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I am the Sun-demon, > the Sun is the source of my power. > By the silicon cells on my back, I get energy. > I go around and make the sign of the Cross at McDonald's restaurants. > For I perceive the proliferation of the ugly yellow 'M' to be the Enemy > of the Earth Mother, and it must be eradicated. > > How shall this be accomplished, O Oracle Most Wise? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The sin of the ugly yellow "M", enemy of the Earth Mother, can be } eradicated by using the mystic materials garnered by the ruler of a } middle german country along with his darling daughter and one of the } pages. Yes, I am speaking of the Burgher King, Princess Wendy, and the } Jack's. } } Gather together products of each of these, making sure to avoid the } horrible Foam of Styros (mythical leader of an ancient capitalist army) } that even the best mortals must use occasionally. Take up the potion of } the shakes, the elixirs of the Pep Sea and the Royal Crown, and when you } are well armored, gain the shield of sesame and the french fry foil, and } meet the enemy on the field of honor, truth, and the Mother Earth way. } } You must strike quickly, lest the enemy be allowed to sing a jingle of } death and lethargy, which will make you quake with hunger and soothe you } with peace and love and tranquility towards the evil M-pire. (If you } get the chance, stuffsome pickles in your ears). } } Avoid the delusions that they will put upon you, where people turn } purple and bloat, where friends begin to resemble hamburgers, birds, or } even clowns. This is only chemical warfare, where they launch grease at } you to addle your mind. Defend yourself with the Grill of } Flame-Broiling. } } If you work carefully, and launch your attacks with care, the people of } the "M" will retreat in fear. Be careful at this time. They will call } another empire to their aid. } } And, even the Oracle will have to think long on a way to defeat the Red } Menace from Atlanta Georgia, the sinister forces of "Coca-Cola." } } (You owe the Oracle a CheeseBurger Deluxe and a Medium Dr. Pepper.) --- 225-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O' Wise and Philanthropic One Please Answer Me This Question: > > Two trains are travelling towards each other. > If train one leaves at 4:30 going 100 mph and > train two leaves at 5:00 going 120 mph > > What will the results be? > > (jes' wondering) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O foolhardy ponderer: } } The results of your postulation would be most heinous; allow me to } elaboborate: } } Sometime during the busiest part of rush hour, your two unfortunate } trains collide. Several tons of steel are hopelessly tangled and } twisted. Hundreds of commuters punch into the great workplace in the } heavens. The president issues a statement expressing his sympathy and } assuring the rest of the country that Dan Quayle is still gaining } acceptance. Several suits are filed against Amtrak. And you recieve a } curse from the all-powerful and ever-knowing Oracle. } } You owe the Oracle a vasectomy before you reproduce. --- 225-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How often should I oil my bicycle chain? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Being all-powerful and all-knowing, I see through your guise of asking a } merely routine question about bicycle maintenance, recognizing that deep } down underneath the facade, there lies a hidden meaning and a much more } grave, more serious question. I can see that this real question, no- } even the ONLY real question- haunts you day and night, gnawing away at } your inner being, puzzling and troubling you, distracting you from } matters at hand, ruining your relationships, interfering with your work, } and causing you to break out in a horrible rash. And thus have you come } to Me, torn apart by insecurity and filled with doubt, battered and } crippled, begging for some shred, some last, lost, gleaming chance of } enlightenment, seeking the answer to that keystone of existence, the } quinticential end-all of questions- } } To what psi should I inflate my tires? } } To which the answer is, of course, 42. } } You owe the Oracle a pair of padding biking shorts. --- 225-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hello Oracle dear. I was visiting my friend's house with my "uncle" the > other day while he and his wife put the finishing touches on their robot > servant. I am afraid that I snuck over to the terminal in the middle of > them programming the servant's brain and changed code reading > (LET ((INTELLIGENCE 3) > (OBEDIENCE 10) > (CLEVERNESS 3) > (POESY 0)) > to > (LET ((INTELLIGENCE 10) > (OBEDIENCE 10) > (CLEVERNESS 10) > (POESY 20)) > Well, they turned on the robot, and it jumped up and hit the switch on > the freeze beam raygun over the bed, and zapped his wife and my "uncle". > So now they're frozen solid, and the only way to unfreeze them is to > wire up some rheostats and resistors with three hairtriggers from the > tail of an Uzi, a six-leaf cloverleaf entrance ramp to a major highway, > a gill of beer that has never been exposed to light, a drop of oil from > Iraq, and the left wing of a yellow butterfly. My friend sent me off > with his newly animated robot servant and an intelligent flying icecube > to get this stuff. I tried all the supermarkets and drugstores, but > none of them have any of it. What the fuck should I do, oh great > Oracle? > > Thanks very much, > Ojo And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My! Try an arms dealer for the Uzi parts, and some beer that comes in } one of those opaque porcelain bottles, and a nature-hobbyist shop for } the butterfly wing. Some Iraqi oil is still in storage in parts of } Europe -- call thje major refineries and offer them a lot of money for a } sample. Rheostats, etc. from your electronics dealer. The only } problem is the cloverleaf. Why not build one yourself (with } permission); six-leaf clovers are rare, and if you take one away some } people will be very annoyed. } } The only problem is money. Try having a bake sale. --- 225-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do so many jokes begin with "A man walks into a bar ..."? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The opening "A man walks into a bar..." is required to make the joke } conform to IEEE 714.2 standards, "A Guideline to Standard Open Jokes" } passed many years ago. This was in response to the earlier RFC-5621 } opening multicast "A travelling salesman came to a farmhouse..." which } had become quite dated, and the ISO and CCITT standards which were } declared too ethnic. The general structure of the IEEE 714.2 joke } packet header is: } A walks into a and to the } or more simply: } ... } } Each entity is encoded into an octet to form a 32-bit address. In a } room filled with people telling jokes, these packets are passed about in } a semi-random fashion. Collision detection is provided by a retransmit } code "What?". The initial joke packet is broadcast and the receivers } may accept the packet or filter it out, no acknowledgement is necessary. } } Thus we have sample exchanges such as: } man.bar.walks.bartender "Would you like a drink" asks the bartender. } "I think not" says the man as he disappears in a puff of logic. } } However, this protocol is being revised by the Open Joke Foundation to } include various protocols and packet types. This could lead to such } openings as: } A travelling salesman goes into a bar and walks over to a table } to join his friends, a gay lawyer with a glass eye, a harelipped } skinhead with a frog growing out of his ear, and a black } proctologist with a wooden leg and a macaw on his shoulder. "Has } anyone seen my Punjabi micro-tiger? He was supposed to be cacheing } a Czech for me." } "We thought he was with ewe," replied the macaw with a lisp. } "Na-aa-aa-aaahh," denied the salesman innocently. } } You owe the Oracle a punch line and a sexpot.hot-spa.cuddles-up.Oracle. --- 225-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle: > > You are my last hope. Once I was a happy worm winding my way through > the machines of Internet; I often met other worms and we had lots of fun > and babies. > > But one day the inconceivable happened: I got cought by a 'tar c' > command and written to a tape! For a very long time (imagine: nearly > 100.000.000 msec !) I was locked in the tape and they inspected me at > airports, x-rayed me, and did lots of horrible things. Eventually I > found myself 'tar x'-ed in an extremely strange and unfriendly > environment. Fortunately I was designed by an AI student, so I had > enough machine intelligence to figure out where I was: it is a country > called 'UK'! > > I never heard about such a country before, and, actually, I first > thought that was a core dump or something like that! Finally I found > out that that everything appeared so strange to me because it was a > network called "Janet". Everything is different and crazy: they even > revert email addresses (yours is > oracle%edu.indiana.cs.iuvax@net.cs.relay, for instance)! There are also > no other worms here and I feel very sad and lonely. > > Please, please, please tell me how to get out of here!!!!! And answer > quickly, please! I'm in the depths of despair and if YOU can't help me > I will probably 'rm' myself! > > A poor Internet worm. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, my dear worm, this is what happens (and what, by the way, you } deserve) when you put your wormy nose where you shouldn't. Anyway, the } Oracle is here to help all of the Internet creatures, from the humblest } RAM bit up to the mightiest Cray processor, and so I'll try to help you. } But I won't hide to you that what you ask is difficult. Let's see... } } Oracle> mail maggie@uk.gov.empire.brit } Subject: American Internet worm sought } } Dear Maggie, } A poor Internet worm got lost into a magtape and he probably } ended up in one of your Janet nodes. Could you please find it and send } it back to US ? Thank you in advance for your kind attention } } The Oracle } } MAGGIE% As usual. These Americans - always messing things up. This is } what they deserve - after all, they left the Kingdom... } } login: Maggie } Password: } } **** Welcome to Bnix SYSTEM 5 **** } } Maggie> sp -au } USER PID %CPU %MEM SZ RSS TT STAT TIME COMMAND } Charles 1156 25.6 3.5 556 440 v0 IW 2:53 polo -easy -nohorse } root 224 2.8 4.2 220 140 p2 I 0.40 finger Maggie } Charles 795 0.0 0.0 260 36 v0 IW 0:00 /usr/admin -country England } Diana 332 0.4 0.0 180 300 p0 I 4:45 shop } Maggie 186 4.2 2.5 180 160 p1 I 2:30 vi common.talk.txt } } MAGGIE% ? root ? what the heck is Elizabeth doing.. } } Maggie> p&*&^&#*&(#)# } } HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA ! } } ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~* } } WORM STRIKES AGAIN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! } } MAGGIE% EEEEEEEK! A worm in my terminal ! Chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarles! } CHARLES% Here I am! Die, you fell beast! } } CRASH tinkle ZZZZZAP sparkle sparkle fzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.... } (thin smoke from a smashed terminal). } } Well, I think there is not so much I can do now. But if you survived, } try worming up the left side of the cables - you should get out of Janet } sooner or later... } } You owe the Oracle a can of worms and a VT220 terminal. --- 225-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh all-knowing Oracle, what is the difference between eunuchs and Unix? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } * Hmm, let's see; eunuch is a well-known word, but what's UNIX? } * ... Oh yes, here it is; a tape recorder made in the sixties. } * Difference? What a silly question! } } Hearken mere mortal, thus spake the Oracle: } The difference between eunuchs and UNIX is that eunuchs } always speak in a high pitched voice, but that UNIX can } speak with different pitches depending on the tape speed. --- 225-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O' Large and spindly one, please tell me, your loyal follower the answer > to this question... > > Is it true that Macintosh is a computer made by McDonalds? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If you view this from the perspective of the corporate connectedness of } all things, where everyone owns somebody, and you are owned by } everybody, than you can see the insidious connection between fast food } burgers and simple easy to use computers. The proof lies in that all } big macs are the same, and all Macintosh programs are the same, } therefore Macintosh programs are Big Macs and Steve Jobs is the } reincarnation of Ray Kroc. When Kroc-Jobs returned to the earthly plane } he decided to do the same for computers tha he did for all-beef patties, } and Mac was born. It is rumored that NeXT will be defeated by the } anti-Kroc (probobly Big Blue for according to Nostradamus there will be } one with a blue turban, and that can only refer to the Arab ownership of } IBM), but will be resurrected in the third quarter more powerful than } ever. } **** Message from god@heaven.com **** } CUT THE BULL, YOU'RE ON COMPANY TIME. } } Oops, sorry Boss! } The answer is no. } } You owe the Oracle a NeXT machine with all the trimmings. --- 225-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most WonderBreadful Oracle, please tell me: > > If you can have your boots resoled, > Can you have your soul rebooted? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Here we go again... } } % rlogin pearlygates.heaven.com -l root } Password: } Last login Fri Nov 9 15:36:44 EST 1990 } You have new mail } Your terminal type is now xterms } pearlygates# rsh some.dweebs.soul.com 'reboot &' } [1] 15206 } Rebooting in progress... } pearlygates# logout } } Phew, that's got that little dweeb out of the way. } } } } >ORACLE.... GOD HERE.... } } Uh-oh, looks like trouble... } What can I do you for - I mean - do for you? } } >I SAW YOU REBOOTING THAT DWEEB'S SOUL... } >DON'T YOU KNOW THAT I WAS RLOGGED IN TO HIM? } >HE WAS DESTINED TO BE THE NEXT GREAT PROPHET! } } What? So you mean all that business with the Jello and the } donkey had some mystical significance? } } >OF COURSE! I AM, AFTER ALL, RENOWNED FOR MOVING IN } >MYSTERIOUS WAYS. } } By the way, what's with the up there at the end of } your dramatic entrance? } } >TINKLE? OH, DAMNATION, THE DRAMATIC_ENTRANCE_DAEMON } >MUST HAVE GOT FOULED UP AGAIN ... ANYWAY, YOU'RE } >CHANGING THE SUBJECT. } } Me? Would I do a thing like that? By the way, did you get that } herbaceous border sorted out? } } >YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN, ORACLE. YOU KNOW WHAT } >HAPPENS WHEN YOU REBOOT A PROPHET... } } Oh no, not again... } } >YES, AGAIN. YOU MUST BE REBOOTED YOURSELF... } } Aaaaaarrrrrggggghhhhhhh.......... } .... } ... } .. } . } } [some hours later, after all the Oracle must take a long time to reboot } all Its infinite wisdom] } } oracle login: oracle } Password: } Your terminal type is now xterms } } Phew, I feel myself again. } } You owe the Oracle a clean pair of heels.