From kinzler Thu Oct 11 10:04:45 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Thu, 11 Oct 90 09:57:03 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #204 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 204 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #204 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 11 Oct 90 09:57:03 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle or via mail by sending the word "help" in the body of a mail to mailserv on the same machine. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 199 10 votes 33202 33220 14320 14401 22312 12340 34300 42211 24211 31321 199 2.5 mean 2.5 2.3 2.6 2.6 2.9 3.0 2.0 2.3 2.5 2.7 --- 204-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do we have to pay so much tuition to attend college? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually institutions of higher learning have striven to cultivate an } academic lifestyle revolving around long periods of mind-numbing study } interspersed with heavy drinking sessions to prevent the students from } asking precisely that question. So, go tell it to the Dean of } Students and he'll give you a free case of Smirnoffs! } } Oracular Riddle: What's the difference between a Dean of Students } and ripe cheese? } } Oracular Solution: One is covered with mold and gives off a foul } odor, & the other goes great with crackers. --- 204-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hello Mr. Oracle. We here a Nerds University are holding a little > contest to get extra credit in English class. > > We are sending you 6,000 copies of the same question to test > scientifically the output level of your humor. We are doing the same > thing to Henry Cate III as a control variable. Each reponse to our > question will be graded on humor, style, content, and of course the > bathing suit competition. > > Here is the question [drum roll]: > > How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? > > You have two days to consider your answer. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What, you mean Henry Cate III, the Xerox Original? } } He just recycles his humor over the net every year. Didn't you know? } } Seriously, though, let's go over to the wood shop and take a look... } } Oracle: So, I see a lot of woodchucks around here. } } Guy in Safety Goggles: Yeah, that's Larry over there on the band saw. } You see Chet there over on the disk sander. They're some of our } most productive craftsmen, too, let me tall ya. } } O: I'm very impressed. } } GiSG: Most people are. They're good at using found objects in nature; } you know, driftwood, underbrush, and, of course, chestnuts for } stain. } } O: I guess you hear that "tongue-twister" joke question a lot, don't } you? } } GiSG: Oh, you mean about woodchucks chucking wood? Heh. Yeah. But you } know, they really have a hard time just chucking things. I'll say, } "hey, Carl, it's trash! Get rid of it!" But then he looks at it } and says: "Nooo, nooo... I can do something with this... Just } look at this shape and that texture. I'm sure I can do something } with this." --- 204-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the TRUE meaning of life? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Arg! Do you people never have original questions, O snivelling mortal? } I've posted my opinion on this one too many times to count. Lets have } someone else's view: } >sticks head out window< } Odiferous Oracle: Hey! What's the TRUE meaning of life?! } Nun: (pious frigidus) Life is being and becoming a part of God. When we } truly become one with Him, life ends and our reward is served. } Business Man: (stress attackitus) Life is working hard for a good days } pay and beating the opposition hands down. } Yuppie: (clothes designicus) Life is the latest in good music, clothes } and a Mazarati X-67. } New Kids Fans: (pre-pubescicus) Life is having HIM look at me! } Overexerted Oracle: (truly omniscient) No, no, no, no, no, NO, *NO!!!*. } No wonder I usually answer this myself. Ok, one more time people: } Life, its true purpose, meaning and fulfillment is: A link to the net, } a tv larger than the wall, a never-ending cash-flow, and mail from your } net.lover. } } 'Scuse me, I have to go check my mail. You owe the Oracle a certain } Monty Python tape and a hot romance. --- 204-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please may I have a 5-line .signature for my news articles? Please > please? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Not if you want to follow etiquette rules. } } You owe the oracle a long apology, quoting vociferously from several } sources. } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } OOO RRRR A CCC L EEEEE "If you heard it here, it has } O O R R A A C C L E to be GOOD." -- Smuckers } O O RRRR AAAAA C L EEE } O O R R A A C C L E oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu } OOO R R A A CCC LLLLL EEEEE } } AT&T: 1-(800)-555-1212 BITNET: oracle%iuvax.cs.indana.edu@BITNIC } Snail: George Herbert Walker Bush QuackNet: } 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. } Washington, DC 20011 } } "Be all you can be, become a Jello wrestler" -- Joan Crawford } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ --- 204-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ` 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 0 - = del > tab q w e r t y u i o p [ ] > ctl lock a s d f g h j k l ; ' \ > shift < z x c v b n m , . / shift And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Assuming you've recovered by now, what was that you were drinking and } where can I get some of that? I mean, not even a Gargle Blaster } supresses creativity that much... --- 204-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the best way to stand on your head in a bucket of tar? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's nice that some folks out there still have a certain zest for } adventure. } } Presumably we're not dealing with boring old bucket of cold solid tar, } in which case you could just place your head on the surface of the tar, } grasp the edges of the bucket and, if you're in good shape and have a } fair sense of balance, do a normal headtand. That's not very } interesting is it? } } No, your goal is to do a headstand with your head immersed in a bucket } of hot, steaming, noxious-smelling *molten* tar. Now although you're } very brave and adventurous, even you are not capable of plunging your } head into the black, viscous substance and doing a normal handstand. } The instant your head is immersed in the stuff you will experience } unbelievable pain which will cause a complete loss of motor control, and } you'll turn into a flailing ninny, which is hardly an achievement. } } So you'll need a couple of friends. They should tie you up first, and } probably give you a powerful sedative of some kind. This is because as } things proceed you will probably lose interest in the project, and could } end up making their tasks very difficult. } } Anyway, you, bound and sedated, kneel before the bucket of tar. You } plunge your head into the bucket, maybe with the help of your friend if } you're losing interest at this point. Meanwhile, the second friend has } slung a rope through a pulley which is bolted to the ceiling, and tied } one end of the rope to your feet. That friend now pulls on the rope, } hoisting you upwards by the feet. You are now doing a headstand with } your head in a bucket of tar! Or actually you're hanging from the } ceiling with your head suspended in a bucket of tar, but that's close } enough I think. Congratulations! Now all three of you can bask in the } glory of your unique achievement -- or rather your two friends can, } because -- well, you're dead. --- 204-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > WHY OH WHY CAN'T DOGS FLY? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Why Oh Why Can't Dogs Fly" } } by } } The Oracle } } } Hell I tried to } neuter my bloodhound } Bernie with some hedge } clippers once and } he flew pretty good. --- 204-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Did I say an orange? Silly me. > I meant an orang-utan. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Waiter: Your orange, ma'am. } } Diner: Did I say an orange? Silly me. I meant an orang-utan. } } Waiter: Ah, a common mistake ma'am. Unfortunately I'm afraid we're } fresh out of Orangutan, but would you like to see our primate list? } } Diner: Please. } } Waiter: Here you are. } } D: Thank you. Oh my! This looks marvelous! You know, I was very sorry } about the budget cuts of course, but they've certainly made visiting } the zoo a ... culinary safari! } } W: Well put ma'am. } } D: Hmmm ... the Madagascar Gibbon looks interesting ... } } W: It's very good ma'am. Also, have you had our Batter-fried } Mandrill? } } D: No I haven't ... it sounds tempting ... but actually, I'll just } have the Jane Goodall special. My diet you know. } } W: Excellent choice ma'am. } } [WAITER goes into kitchen.] } } W: Hey Tony -- bludgeon a chimp! --- 204-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle, whose fame is famous and whose strength is strong, > > You occasionally delegate a question-answering job to me. However, I > have received no guidelines for question-answering. Please tell me the > expectations as well as the benefit/reward system involved. I also > have a number of questions about health insurance, fringe benefits, > and stock, but those can wait. Thank you, omniscient one. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } MM>s } To: oracle-people@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu } cc: } Subject: Question Concerning the Underlying Philosophy of the Oracle } Message } } Dear Oracle-people, } } Attached is a question I recently received. I think this person wants } more than the "wise and witty answer" suggestion found in the oracle } help file -- I think he really wants an incisive account of the } underlying philosophy and obligations associated with Oracular } correspondence. I find his concern extremely encouraging, given the } recent decline in the quality of Oracular correspondence. } } Thanks very much for you prompt attention to this matter. I'll } include your comments in my reply. } } } Insert file: good.question } [OK] } } S>s } MM> } MM>ch } 35) The "Treatise Concerning the Underlying Philosophy and } Obligations of Oracular Correspondence" file you requested. } MM>r 35 } From oracle-pipple@iuvax.bs.indochina.eggo Mon Oct 42 53:49:46 1632 } Flags: 33333.2 } Return-Path: } Received: from iuvox.cs.pembroke.edu by hepcat@cs.institution.edu } (2.99/FBI) id BC444; Wed, 10 Oct 60 13:49:43 ESP } Message-Id: <24994.CUM455@cs.noble.institution.edu> } Received: by iuvex.bb.indianhead.into } Date: Man, 17 Ect 33 12:02:21 } From: Oracle Land } To: oracle-loose@iuvax.cs.indochina.oddbo } Subject: The "Treatise Concerning the Underlying Philosophy and } Obligations of Oracular Correspondence" file you requested. } Reply to: don@t.bother } } Just answer the fucking questions. } } MM>q } $ --- 204-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Last week, as were were approaching Rotterdam with a cargo of herring > and Spanish silver (the silver being courtesy of English privateers, > who gave it in exchange for herring and fresh water off the coast of > Greenland), she began taking in water at an alarming rate. We made it > into port, god be thanked (as we were but a few leagues out when this > happened), but clearly she needs major repairs -- the timbers in her > bottom are almost rotted out, her keel should probably be replaced, > and perhaps the rudder too. > > Let me introduce myself, by the way. I am the captain of the "Lady > Gwen", a fine (or so I had thought!) clinker-built cog of Dutch make. > (Needless to say I'm surprised that a dutch-built cog should be so > poorly built, for 'tis but 22 years since the Gwen's first voyage.) > Jan Schulter, a provisioner from Utrecht, suggested I contact you; he > praised you as a most superior Oracle whose advice is always sober, > respectable, and free of charge. I place great store in Jan's > opinion's. > > But back to my problem. Now, perhaps I can raise money for repairs (I > know a tobacco merchant named Reuter who, kind-hearted fool that he > is, will perhaps lend to me on favorable terms), yet there's no chance > my crew will loiter in Rotterdam until repairs are complete, when so > many ships sit idle here for want of crews! In theory I could lure a > crew from among the Java merchantmen by offering exhorbitant pay (the > Java merchants always have full crews on hand, they being rich enough > to pay their crews to be idle no matter how long they wait in port), > but that would cost me so dear any voyage I make would only sink me > deeper into debt. So, even after repairs are complete I shall remain > in port, my debts piling up -- I cannot even pay the interest, Oracle! > And my creditors are already hounding me, and if remain here they will > surely press charges, landing me squarely in debtors' prison-- yet how > could I abandon my ship, my home -- all I value -- and where could I > go? You see my dilemma, Oracle -- I fear I'm up the shit canal sans > bargepole! What shall I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sober, respectable, FREE OF CHARGE?!!?!? I shall have to speak to this } Jan Schulter. As to your trifling difficulty, I suggest consulting the } local 'pnaman' - he will provide you with a quick, effective, thought } unguaranteed repair to your ship in exchange for a mere 50% of your } soul. Failing this, and this I garner from your wording that stealing } is not an option, I suggest releasing the virulent disease 'twang'nolvat } (plaid fever) in the community. Soon those exhorbitantly priced Java } merchant men will be begging to serve on your ship and most of your } creditors will have written you off - or been written off. Of course } you will have to obtain a good supply of nrangen tealeaves before } effecting this (well known as proof against any plague and with very few } side-effects noticable within six years). } } You owe the oracle a case of smoked herring - sans bones.