From kinzler Fri Sep 28 18:19:17 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Fri, 28 Sep 90 17:57:27 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #200 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 200 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #200 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 28 Sep 90 17:57:27 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle or via mail by sending the word "help" in the body of a mail to mailserv on the same machine. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 195 12 votes 22332 35310 22422 12333 13161 01335 16131 22422 36300 03333 195 3.0 mean 3.1 2.2 3.0 3.4 3.3 4.0 2.8 3.0 2.0 3.5 --- 200-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > WHAT DID MAT AND KIM ARGUE ABOUT? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Matt wants to have a sex-change operation so that he/she can wear nylons } in public and be called Matilda instead of Matt. Kim is in love with } Matt and doesn't want him to have his balls cut off, etc. Hence the } argument. } } Meanwhile, in sunny Rio, Jill is having her toes nibbled by the } mysterious Dr. Alonzo, as her 12-year-old genius sister Emily is } working out a unified field theory in the next hotel room and feeding } stale cashews to the macaw. --- 200-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How did sex get to be known as "screwing" when the male penis doesn't > even have threads? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What, your penis doesn't have threads? What are you, a freak or } something? Almost all male penises have threads! Innocent little } child, where have you been hiding yourself? You've never been in a } locker room? You've never seen photographs of naked men? You've never } read those tragic stories about star-crossed lovers whose threads didn't } run in compatible directions? Don't you ever read anything? --- 200-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Do theoretical computer scientists get NP-hard-ons? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, because for the average computer geek, doing something about them } is an NP-hard (if not PSPACE-hard) problem, and hence intractable. } } You owe the Oracle a box of Kleenex and a copy of Garey and Johnson. --- 200-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What will happen in the learning center this year? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Certainly learning center's high point for the coming year will be } February 14, 1991. Various SUNY faculty members and administrators will } be touring the center, discussing its facilities and so on. Soon the } conversation will drift to politics, & especially to the need for U.S. } military cutbacks given the post-cold war political landscape. } Professor Zebrowski will begin lamenting the military's wastefulness. } "Do you realize those Pentagon guys pay up to $500 for A SINGLE SCREW!?" } he'll ask. Ms. Hantman will reply, "Oh, is that how much Jean } Kirkpatrick is charging these days?" All eleven people who hear this } remark will ignore it, except Professor Steinberg, who will kind of } snort. The rest of the year will seem anticlimactic by comparison, } excepting perhaps the July 17th truck bomb. --- 200-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, I could use some advice. > > We at the Central Intelligence Agency have for years actively done the > public relations thing and have tried to show our good side to > the American Public. However, recently we have been upstaged by the > KGB, who now have a daily Soviet television show "Meet the KGB" much > like our "FBI Most Wanted" program in the United States. It is like a > thousand points of light. > > Now I don't want to hear any sissies complaining. And not to make too > much of a short story, we feel both an obligation to do them one > better, but we must take a moral stand against appearances on Johnny > Carson and Oprah. How may we get around the publicity gap thing? > --G.H.W.B. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } * BEEEEP You have reached the Oracle. I'm sorry, but I'm out of it } right now so please leave your name and vital statistics at the tone and } I'll get back to you if you sound worthy of my 75' battering ram. } BEEEEEEPPP } } * are you there? } * sorry, I left it on after I got back from my smoke. } } > uh, I have a question. I'm from the CIA. } } * wanna hear me sing?? } } > uh } } * great } } > uh, um, my question? } } * shut up! I'm singing! } * See the little goblin, } * See his little feet. } * See his little nosy-wose, } * Isn't the goblin sweet? } * YES! } * you're supposed to say yes! } } > oh...sorry.. } } * Again! } * See the little goblin, } * See his little feet. } * See his little nosy-wose, } * Isn't the goblin sweet? } * YES!! } } > er..yes.. } > umm, how about my question...?.. } } * ohh wow......um.......well....like.... } * everyone like hates you guys....right? } } > err...yes..um..sort of.. } } * So build a huge big bridge....and kind of.....ummm......drive a whole } * lot of tanks....across it.....yeah.....then kill the....KGB...and the } * ..FBI......yeah.....that'd work.....wow....groovy....... } * you better.......um......I dunno.....oh right I got it......send me } * some of that.......Colombian...um....gold..that you guys have so..... } * wow.... much......of.......later...man... } *[click] } } >berrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr --- 200-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Great and Mighty Oracle, whose terminal melts, and reassembles > please tell me: > > Is using LSD a Bad Idea(TM)? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, it's great, man! Go ahead and use it, or peyote, or whatever } hallucinogen you can get. The Oracle is tripping right now, and It's } just grown six pairs of multicolored tits, and soft furry tentacles } growing out of the graphics workstation are caressing them. The giant } squid is smoking a cigar and explaining Kierkegaard to us all, including } the Munchkins who are biting off Dorothy's toes as she giggles in pain, } and the ghosts of Wagner and von Karajan and Max Schmeling and Dietrich } Buxtehude. The Mormon Tabernacle choir is in the background, stark } naked, singing Palestrina masses, and Buxtehude and Wagner are listening } intently and not catching the stuff about Kierkegaard. And this cobra } keeps snaking its way out of the Oracle's navel. And there's Lisa, and } she's taking off all her clothes -- wow! -- and now she's taking off } her skin to reveal that she's really Roseanne Barr in disguise, and } she's disgusting naked, and the Oracle is vomiting out Krugerrands, and } Roseanne's grabbed hold of the Oracle and she's trying to stuff It up } her c**t and --- 200-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, I had a similar situation happened to me once. About 70 trillion } years ago, a lightning bolt struck the primordial ocean, sizzled a few } chemicals together, and created one of the first viruses. Into that } virus flew my newly created spirit. Not having anything to parasite on, } I floated for a few trillion years until a paramecium (one that would } later evolve into a real estate agent) swam by & I infected it. } Suddenly, 30 trillion years later, I was a plant in the middle of a } grass plain until a fire burnt me up. And now, 40 trillion years later, } I've finally gone through all the stages of Hindu consciousness and am } now an Oracle, playing with your pathetic little minds. } } The moral of the story is, just because you don't exist is no reason to } start selling real estate. --- 200-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have a stuffed cat my mother knit for me. How do I make it come to > life, like they do in fairy tales? I know some fairies, if that helps. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You are very lucky to have such a wonderful mother! Your cat was } knitted from a very special yarn, indeed. It was woven from the } fleece of the Upper Athabascan Spring-Tailed Yak by seven armless } Eskimo women. This will make the process much simpler. } } 1) Kill Sally Struthers. Set the body aside to ferment. } } 2) Form a pot large enough to contain your kitty out of red and white } Play-Doh. Warning! Do not mix the colors together to form pink! It } should have a red-and-white mottled look. } } 3) Melt twelve dozen regular condoms in a large bowl. Do not use } condoms with spermicidal lubrication! (Magnums may be used, use nine } dozen.) Glaze the Play-Doh pot with this solution. Bake at 208 } degrees Fahrenheit for 72 hours. } } 4) Gut Sally. Into her abdominal cavity, pour 2 gallons used film } developer, 50 grams of hallucinogenic mushrooms, 4 18 oz. boxes Cap'n } Crunch with Crunch Berries, 12 cups of espresso, and 16 live goldfish. } Mix throughly and let steep for 37 hours. } } 5) Dump Sally mixture and knit kitty-cat into Play-Doh pot. Seal } airtight with 106 layers of heavy-duty Saran-Wrap. Pack it in a large } box and mail it to Saddam Hussein, Presidential Palace, Baghdad, Iraq. } In a mere 6 weeks, you will receive your cute, furry, cuddly, white, } 6-week-old Persian kitten. } } As you can see, fairies are not required. Fairy dust can, however, } turn your kitten into a marmoset, if you're interested. If not, send } those fairies packing! } } You owe The Oracle a pit bull and a starving child in Bangladesh. --- 200-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do pigs fly when the moon turns blue? > exit > logout And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why fly pigs when the moon turns blue, } porcine helicopters, a haunting tableux } in the night, when the moon turns blue? } } Why ascends bacon when the lunar sphere weeps, } earthbound no more, in trajectory steep, } in the night, when the lunar sphere weeps? } } Why floats lard when night skies cry, } Sausage ascending, oinkers on high, } in the night, when the night skies cry? } } Why plummets the pork when the skies jubilate, } from heavens to pan, from pan to plate, } at breakfast time, when the skies jubilate? } } They fly in joy, ascend in levity, } float till--called to earth by gravity-- } they die, to give this verse some brevity. } } Jimmy Dean. --- 200-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is graduation for real, or is it a line of bullshit that they keep > feeding me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My dear friend, allow me to present you with the secrets of graduation. } } Surely you have friends who have graduated. So you know that it must } happen. However, like many others you believe that graduation is a } result of hard work and dedication. WRONG! } } Ever see the Stanford class of '67 graduation pictures? That's } Sylvester Stallone and Johnny Travolta. No, they're not Stanford } alumni! They're actors! } } 90% of each graduating class is composed of actors. That's right. Your } school, along with many other fine technical institutions, pretends to } have graduation. They even bring in actors for the parents and } siblings. The truth is, most universities are simply fronts for either } the US Government or some private industry. But instead of paying you } $50,000 yearly, they "give" you $10,000 - plus tuition of course! Boy, } it sure helps that someone is paying the extra $7,000 it might cost you } if you were taking the standard graduate load of one class. } } As long as you continue to work like a dog, they'll keep you there. } It's time to stand up for your rights. March right in and see your } professor, and tell him you've uncovered their dirty little plot. } They'll pay you $50,000 in small unmarked bills to keep quiet and rush } you out the door with diploma in hand. } } You owe the Oracle a printing press and a stack of funny square hats.