From kinzler Thu Sep 20 19:06:57 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Thu, 20 Sep 90 19:04:12 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #198 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 198 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #198 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 20 Sep 90 19:04:12 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle or via mail by sending the word "help" in the body of a mail to mailserv on the same machine. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 193 9 votes 12231 03402 11610 02421 22131 31032 22221 21321 01215 41211 193 3.0 mean 3.1 3.1 2.8 3.2 2.9 3.0 2.8 2.9 4.1 2.3 --- 198-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > WHAT COLOR IS THE SKY? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First the horizon of expiring night is carressed by dawn's mauve } fingers, which leave an imprint of magenta as the morn advances. Soon } hints of orange and royal blue appear, with glorious streaks of } chartreuse, lavender and aqua-marine, followed by splashes sepia, } peach, carrot, murky violet-gray, battleship gray, tarnished } indian-head nickel silver-gray, fake fern green, emperor grape purple, } royal purple, just-folks purple, jaundice yellow, glossy beige, } off-white semi-gloss latex, and red devil hi-gloss yellow enamel } primer. As the evening sun descends, the eastern skies fade to a } serene leisure suit blue with swashes of infected gum pink and several } clumsy-looking patches of simulated oak veneer red-brown, which slowly } fade as the majestic orb dims to a candy-corn orange and finally sinks } from view, leaving us to wait expectantly for dawn's mauve fingers to } carress the night horizon. --- 198-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > [ Six hours later. The play is still going on. The only remaining > audience members are THE ORACLE and BIFF. MARX is alone on the stage; > around him are the dead bodies of BRUNO BAUER, BAKUNIN, ENGELS, etc. > etc. etc. ] > > MARX: ... And now we may tear up the Gotha Program prepared by the > mad wolf Lasalle and poisoned with the counter-revolutionary demand > for equal pay for officials and workers. Forward to socialist > inequality and democracy! > > [ MARX takes off his beard and reveals the smiling face of > COMRADE STALIN. EXEUNT ALL. CURTAIN FALLS. ] > > BIFF: Well, Comrade Oracle, what do you think ?! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, Biff, old net.Groucho is rolling in his grave right now. Someone } taking the name Marx in vain like that. Of course ol' KARL Marx is fair } game, and can be splattered with sh** to one's heart's content. And our } actors tonight did a LOT of splattering. And as bad, as genocidal, as } paranoid, as pro-fascist, as much of a schmuck as Joe Stalin was, he } doesn't deserve what he just got. I mean being revealed as a } totalitarian in a proletarian's clothing! For shame! } } Who wrote this piece of crap anyway? Oh, that's write, the } net.socialist.parodist. Such a yutz - he couldn't find his literary ass } with both hands and a map. He probably can't read. But enough } charecter assasination by the critic[the playwright did enough for both } of us..., and made an ass of himself simultaneously]... } } Why did he have to kill off Bauer first? The pedophile necrophiliac was } the most interesting charecter in the play? And to kill him in such a } pitiful way? I mean being trampled to death by a mob is at least, well, } graphic. Being stomped to death by a bunch of communist-anarchists } doing the Mexican Hat Dance is just plain pathetic. } } And what he did to Bakunin? Uggggggh - did he have to kill him that } quickly? I mean if you're going to go to the bother of torturing } someone live and on stage, you might as well do it right. A torturer } who know his stuff can keep the subject writhing in agony for DAYS! } This yutz took three MINUTES! And it wasn't even real agony, just bush } league pain. And using poison to end it was downright boring. He could } at least have mixed the strychnine with tobasco sauce and made it } INTERESTING. Sheesh! } } Und Engels? of what use was this yokel? He just stood around and } yes-manned Karl until Karl got sick of hearing his voice and slapped his } mouth shut. Broke his jaw in the process, which ultimately made things } less interesting, but at least neither Karl/Joe nor I had to put up with } the pathetic drivel any more. And that killing? Brother! Joe, if he } had been done anywhere close to realistically, would have had him beg } for at least another half hour. And had him do it on his KNEES! Of } course, killing him by lethal ingestion of Moria White Icky Things was a } bit inspired. Unfortunately it went right over the heads of most if } tthe audience. I mean, if you're going to have your charecter spew } vomitus with his dying spasm, yuo might as well have him hit some of the } audience with it! A total waste of effort. } } All in all, on the Oracle's play ratings scale of 0 to 10, I'd give this } thing [it wasn't a play, not even a 'fore play] a -8.3 . It did have } one or two interesting touches, but mostly is was just a bunch of crap. } } You owe the Oracle the complete Shakespeare Video Library, and a case of } Pepto. --- 198-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I've sent in the many askme's this morning, and all the questions were > either > > "SaTAN!" > > or > > "What if your name were Gomez?" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Some tacky newcomer thinks it's cute to annoy The Oracle with these } little e-mail annoyances. Don't worry, his penis is shrinking 1/16 of } an inch for each stupid question he sends. At this rate, he'll be } genderless within 2 days. } } You owe The Oracle a UUCP bang-path to Upper Volta. --- 198-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, > > Why does everyone keep calling me "Flipper?" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Amazing! Not only has the creature learned to type on the computer } keyboard with his snout, but he did it while catching three rings } and jumping through a burning hoop with a triple back-flip! Throw } him a fish, Jack! --- 198-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What makes a woman love a man? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Women Love Men } when they're honest and true } Women Love Men } when they say "I Love You" } Women Love Men } who are thoughtful and sweet } Women Love Men } with very big feet } Women Love Men } who are noble and good } Women Love Men } with peckers of wood } Women Love Men } when they're gentle, of course } But they'll all boink the boy } who's hung like a horse } } You owe the Ory a cliche' --- 198-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and mighty Oracle, Seer of all, I beseech thee to tell me > why I was circumcised? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why oh why were you circumsized? } Why was it removed? What reason, oh wise? } For what great purpose, which came under what guise? } Why oh My Wisdom were you circumsized? } } Were you parents Jewish, Orthodox or Reform? } Were they part of a sect where this was the norm? } Were there medical reasons - in what shape or form? } That they sliced it away, your foreskin they prized? } Why my dear sir were you circumsized? } } For what occult reason would they wish to release, } Your tool from its forecoat, that delicate piece? } So you'd scream bloody murder, s'though you'd not cease? } Were they sadists, your parents, or just bent and creased? } } Why my young man were you circumsized? } That outer skin peeled off and your penis revised? } Throughout the nation, go out the loud cries? } Why did you my parents, have me circumsized? } } The Oracle tells you to ask your mother. } } You owe the Oracle the foreskin of your firstborn son. --- 198-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle, > I have a problem. I'm a nerdy sort of grad student, and there's > this cute little undergrad girl infatuated with me. She's an adorable > elfin little woman, and although she's not quite my type, she's > delightful to cuddle, and soft, and warm, and nicely shaped, and it > feels so good to hold her scrumptious little body in my arms. > I've never had a steady girlfriend before. The trouble is that > although she really relieves my loneliness, I don't love her. And we > have some deep differences in beliefs and taste that would really get in > the way of a serious relationship. I don't want to string her on, only > to have to dump her cruelly later; on the other hand, I'm lonely, and > she fancies me (and has hinted that she'd have sex with me if I really > wanted it). Any suggestions? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Alas, my friend, the Omniscient and Incidentally Very Attractive } Oracle has pondered his many tomes and has come up with these excerpts } that might help you in your predicament: } } From 'Halshey's Handbook on Harmonious Happenings,' we read: } } "...and why in the hell not? After all, cheap, lusty } sex is still better than the 'm' word!" } } From 'How To Schlep the Schlong for Long' by Miller, we see: } } " I feel that I am morally right when I say that } having your way with a woman that you _know_ you } cannot stand is simply ecstacy; I can think of no } finer pleasure. Besides, if she doesn't prove up-to- } snuff, then you can discard her without a second } thought." } } For an opposing view, we turn to a little-known Shakespearian excerpt } from his unpublished play, "My, That Hurts!": } } "...and so it shall be. But nay, nay, nay, I say, that } in fact thou mustn't use her as if she were some sack, } to be thrown away like chaff that hath left the seed; } nay, my heart should be sickened to hear one say, 'Screw } the bitch, and dump her thus!' Much dismay hath mine } sorry ears afforded from these utterances, and I'll not } advise it ever!" } } Amberige Perkins III Jr. writes: } } "Oh, definitely, the c*nt must be laid; but rememberest } thou that thine emotions are laid within the bitch } during intimacy, and it is these emotions that shall } later enable the bloody gal to control thy very } life!" } } So you see, it is up to you to make the decision. Lisa advises me } that lusty sex isn't all that it's cracked up to be (I disagree), but } that after 40 or 50 years of it, it gets kinda boring. } } Just don't forget to use protection; usually one or two well-trained } dobermans will do. } } You owe the Oracle a pendant 'Protection from Flames,' so that my } account is not beriddled with feminist mail for the next year. --- 198-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What are some good questions to ask the Burger King Hotline? > (1800YES1800) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, my supplicant, you have the oracle hungry and thinking. } } Try these questions upon the wittless burger nerds in sunny miami } florida. } } 1) What are the directions to the nearest mcdonalds. } } 2) Does Dave Thomas really have daughters? } } 3) If he's a king, where's his throne? Where are his nubile young } princesses? } } 4) How many rat hairs and feces do the federal inspectors allow into a } whopper? } } 5) How many were in the one you just ate? } } 6) What is the meaning behind those cryptic letter schemes in the old } cash registers. } } 7) Why have the only mass murders in fast food restaraunts occured only } in McDonalds? And how much did you pay the guy? } } 8) Is it true BK has a contract to dispose of toxic waste? } } 9) How many questions do I have to ask before the consumer affairs rep } calls me back. } } 10) Is it true the CA rep has no genitalia? } } You owe the oracle one happy meal. --- 198-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh m ost mi ght y o rac le, bef ore w hos e inf in ite wi sdo m I am but > as ca mel turd in the e ndl ess de sert of net-dom! I b ese ech thee! > > Why i s it, wh en I ty pe at th e ter mi nal in th e nu de, tha t > the re a re the se extr ane ous sp ace s in ever yth in g th at > I ty pe? Is i t bec au se some thi ng is hi tti ng the spa ce > bar? Wha t co uld it be? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Pick one answer from column A or one from column B: } } Column_A________________________|Column_B_________________________ } Usually I'd suspect something |Oh, yes, it's probably your big } hitting the space bar, but in |virile manly dick putting all } your case I strongly doubt it. |those spaces in, making your } Probably the conductive charge |sentences skip a beat, just like } of your body is having an effect|my heart is doing right now at } on the comm lines. You should |the very thought of you! Give } register yourself with the FCC. |the Oracle a call right now at } Be advised that you may spontan-|1-800-YES-1-800 and let's make } eously combust someday. |a hot 'n' steamy date! --- 198-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is it true that the Soviet Union has actually joined the net, or is it > just some big hoax? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Da, tovarishch. Vladivar moskovya nyet relska gudyenko, vissiarionovich } danske mobler ivanov kerchanski. Nadia? } } Dosvadania, } Oraclovich