From kinzler Wed Sep 12 13:43:19 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Wed, 12 Sep 90 13:36:33 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #197 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 197 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #197 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 12 Sep 90 13:36:33 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle or via mail by sending the word "help" in the body of a mail to mailserv on the same machine. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 192 8 votes 10223 22220 04220 10322 22220 01052 23201 01430 02330 03410 192 3.0 mean 3.8 2.5 2.8 3.5 2.5 4.0 2.4 3.3 3.1 2.8 --- 197-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I've noticed that whenever I ask my Magic 8 Ball a question and > I don't like the answer, I can just ask the question again and > eventually it'll give me a better answer. Are you the same way? > Or is it rude to resubmit questions? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is a complex question so bear with me. An answer is asked } at time t[1]. It is answered at time t[2]. The answer is, of } course valid when made, but may have become invalid by time t[3] } when it reaches the user. Therefore, if a question is resubmitted } at time t[5], the petitioner will receive an answer at t[7] that } is valid at time t[6]. The times follow the following relation: } } t[1] The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I was lying in the park with this chick named Samantha. Actually, I was > whispering in her ear. Suddenly this eight-year-old kid comes up to me, > kicks me in the arm, and says "Get your nose off my tutor or I'll nail > an angel to your mind." Ordinarily I wouldn't care pay much attention, > but this kid has a biker under one arm and a hammer in the other. I got > the fuck out of there. (Samantha won't speak to me.) If this happens > again, what should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It just so happens that as I was in the bushes one fine warm evening } having intercourse with a schoolteacher named Miss Perez, there } suddenly appeared a great horde of fiercely possessive prepubescent } pugilists toting machetes & humming the "Horst Wessel Song" in an } ominous fashion. They informed me that unless I was gentler with } their beloved Miss Perez I would be subjected to horrible, probably } fatal punishment involving castration and library paste. Miss Perez } intervened, explaining how sometimes ladies like it kind of rough, & } reminding them that if she weren't into pain she would hardly have set } her hiney down in a bunch of thistles, would she? Then I told the } terror tots about how I had suffered pain too, showing them my badly } scraped & bleeding knees. Both of us talked to them about how bliss } and agony, pain and pleasure are really one, beating them with our } riding crops by way of explaination. The children understood. It was } beautiful. } } In your case however it's a little different, since Samatha actually } hired the kid. So maybe it wasn't meant to be. } } You have to stay after & clean the erasers. --- 197-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I am a new doctoral student in comparative literature (attracted to the > subject by its acronym, C.LIT.). I'm interested in working on > historical pornography. I have noticed that many historical figures > have written very significant works in this genre, but have not been > given the credit they deserve. For example, Eleanor of Acquitaine > really wrote AMY'S ASS AND ITS VISITORS. How can I get the world to > recognize the literary and historical merit of my chosen specialty, and > get tenure at Harvard? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } For starters, take a look at the following suppressed classics. } Should you run into problems you can always send the Oracle a draft of } your dissertation (unexpurgated). } } Jane Austen: Perversion } Anne Radcliffe: The Romance of the Long, Long, Long Schlong } Montaigne: Concerning Small Girls } T.E. Lawrence: The Seven Pillars of Flesh } Upton Sinclair: Men, Meat, and Miracles } A.A. Milne: And Now We Are Fucked } Laura Ingals Wilder: Big Chief, Little Squaw } Addison & Steele: Sausage Examiner, Issues 1-136 } J.D. Salinger: Franny & Zooey & Holden & Seymore } Robert Lewis Stevenson: Pleasure Island } Marquis de Sade: A Treatise Concerning the Cartesian } Theory of Optics } } You owe the Orcale a five minute frolick with your thesis advisor. --- 197-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me why sex is so important. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle stands aghast at this question - why is SEX important?!! } } WHY SEX IS IMPORTANT } } by } } The Usenet Oracle } } Sex is important, as you can see, } To spark up a natural chemistry, } Which, combined with motions most bodily, } Results in the climax of ecstasy. } } Without sex, we ALL would be lost, } As alternate pleasures do come at great cost, } So scorn not that pure act that you don't understand, } And follow you this the Oracle's command: } } Have sex in the morning, have sex at night, } Have it while friendly, and during a fight, } Have it all day and when you are done, } Have it again, so you'll be number one. } } Have it with Alice, have it with Jan, } But PLEASE don't have sex with a man, } Have it with Ginger, have it with Flo, } Sex is real good for you don't you know? } } Having sex at least thrice a day, } Will not only keep the doctor at bay, } But also will help you keep up your vigor, } And rumors say that your organ get's bigger. } } You owe the Oracle a the address for Candy.sex.luscious. --- 197-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why oh why does our head of user services wish to remove all > games from our systems, prevent external logins and any other activities > not strictly for academic purposes? Is he truly as wise as your > omnipotent self? What does the future hold for humble users at our > site? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle is loathe to inform you that your beloved head of user } services is, in fact, the net.satanic.imbecile. He has somehow eluded } detection until now, when your inquiry brought him to my attention. } } The purpose of the net.satanic.imbecile is not fully known. Some } think that its purpose is to wreak havoc and discord by citing } endless rules and documents, all the while denying responsibility for } them. Others postulate that the net.satanic.imbecile's main function } is to repress the freedom of mortals by creating unfair regulations } and restrictions, under the guise of a caring and altruistic attitude. } The Oracle knows that the third function of the net.satanic.imbecile } is to stockpile Yak skins in a large 16'x16'x12' closet, in } preparation for the next Ice Age. } } The net.satanic.imbecile is not corporeal, but is actually a } ghost-like being, and needs to inhabit the bodies of others in order } to do its work. It is the Oracle's opinion that your head of user } services is posessed by this foul creature. } } To dispel the net.satanic.imbecile from a human host, one must follow } these simple steps: } } 1) Tie the host in a stationary position, and read it the } Libertarian code six times } } 2) Now, while it's confused, quickly describe to it an } Utopian society WITHOUT RULES. Let that sink in. } } 3) It's defenses should be almost destroyed now, and all that } awaits is the final blow: tell the demonic thing that } God's wonderful commandments don't necessarily have to } be followed in order. That should do it. } } By combatting the net.satanic.imbecile with the concept of disorder, } you will have successfully removed it's purpose for being: it's } desire to have ordered and structured evil. } } As you have probably guessed, the net.satanic.imbecile has already } gotten itself too entrenched in the Financial Aid systems to be } eradicated. Too bad. } } You owe the Oracle an extremely disorderly orderly, about 5'4", } blonde, with great dimensions. --- 197-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How many skinheads does it take to change a lightbulb? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oi! Fuck! Whatcha cock! Okay then, you got one holds the fuckin' } ladder, two that puts on the new "Exploited" single, right, fuck! } Then you got five stand around sayin' Oi! Fuck! Three's paintin' } swastikas in the loo, six gotta go out & obtain the replacement bulb, } fuck me! Four gotta fuck up the fuckin' Paki landlord, who ain't been } makin' timely repairs, has 'e now? Oi! Fuck! Okay then! So that's } fourteen, right? --- 197-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Parliafunkadelicmentalistical Oracle, power-pimper of the pleasure > principle ... do fries go with that shake? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No. A chef salad comes with the shake. Beet curls come with the shake. } Chicken necks deep fried in hot sauce served with Thousand Island } dressing and banana slices come with the shake. A big steaming pot of } oyster stew comes with the shake. A huge steaming dollop of mashed } potatoes and turnips topped with codfish gravy comes with the shake. A } delicate bowl of stirfried snails and shallots comes with the shake. A } basket of garlic-marshmallow bread comes with the shake. A steaming } bucket of lobster-flavored dessert topping comes with the shake. A } generous helping of lime jello marshmallow cottage cheese surprise comes } with it. A side order of sauerkraut and snake livers come with it. } } BUT NO FUCKING FRIES! GOT THAT? --- 197-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What if your name were Sucroexrapcoboid? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } NO! You guessed! How could you have guessed that my name was } Sucroexrapcoboid!? My plan was foolproof! How could you have } guessed it?! ARRGGGH! } } You no longer owe the Oracle your firstborn child. --- 197-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My lover wants to make a porn movie "Ozma does Oxford" What would it be > about? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Usenet Oracle, in his infinite wisdom, has gone into the future to } steal some movie reviews on 'Ozma does Oxford.' } } } OZMA DOES OXFORD } a story about a girl with an attitude...and a preference } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } } Chicago Tribune - "'Ozma does Oxford' is a _magnificent_ film. Never } has this critic seen the likes of Telly Savalas, Joan Rivers, Meryl } Streep, and Ethel Barrymore make such magic on the screen! A must-see } for all those who like sodomy with their Wheaties in the morning." } } L. A. Times - "If I had to see a film over and over again for } eternity, I would choose without hesitation 'Ozma does Oxford'. A } classic film about Ozma, a textile engineer with three personalities, } and her craving for Yuppie clothes, 'O.d.O.' is truly ranked up there } with the greats. If for no other reason, I enjoyed the film's } alacrity, humor, and fine taste in men's wear. A must see for lonely } Yuppies and women with no self-respect; it'll give 'em someone to } relate to." } } N. Y. Times - "This year's erotic thriller, 'Ozma does Oxford', is as } enchanting as it is witty and hilarious. The scene where Ozma shoves } her lover's ding-dong into a blender steals the show. Still, one } can't help but love her as she shackles him naked to a freight train } and sets his hair on fire. Ozma (played by Meryl Streep) is both } lovable and repulsive, but it stands without question that her taste } in men's wear is definitely a cut above. A must-see for } nymphomaniacs and male gynecologists with strong stomachs. ***" } } National Enquirer - "Miracle Baby born with no legs but has infinite } sex drive after watching 'Ozma does Oxford'. Oddly, family dog soon } becomes pregnant with alien religious fanatics. Story, page 13." } } Gallup Independent - "Yea, 'Ozma does Oxford' is a cool movie and all, } but I just have one question - what's the plot?" } } Phoenix Sun - "If family values and excellent visual effects are what } you look for in a movie, then watch out; 'Ozma does Oxford' has none of } these qualities whatsoever. A truly repulsive movie about a mad girl's } obsessive attitude towards polo shirts and twill blazers, 'O.d.O.' } attempts in vain to hold its viewers with lurid sex scenes and } pornographic pain. Why, I had to watch the movie 16 times just to get } it all in! As disgusting and gut-wrenching as it is, 'O.d.O.' is a } must-see for the Usenet Oracle, whose e-mail nausea has permeated the } majority of the nation and has decayed what little morals we had left } anyhow. He deserves to suffer." } } You owe the Oracle that last reviewer's home address. --- 197-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The Right-to-Life candidate says that he'll accept any religious faith. > I am a neo-Pagan and a witch, celebrating Athene and Diana and Hecate > and others. Will he really accept my religion? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You sound very upset, my child. You have angers and frustrations that } need a guiding hand to solve. I think you need to find God. } } Which God, you say? Well let's DEAL THE CARDS!! } } YES! It's the most exciting advancement in religion since the } auto-da-fe! It's the Usenet Oracle's } } ************* DEAL-A-RELIGION(r)!!!! ************* } } Thanks to this amazing system developed in cooperation with Richard } Simmons, you can have an exciting, different, new set of beliefs every } day! } } Each card contains prayer and sacrifice instructions, as well as an } icon and/or autographed glossy of the daily deity. } } Listen to what this satisfied customer has to say! } "Dear Oracle, Being the son of Jewish and Catholic parents, I had a } lot of religious conflicts. But thanks to your new Deal-A-Religion(r), } I can just let the cards fall where they may! Yesterday I was a } Jehovah's Witness who practiced aboriginal fetish worship. Today, I'm } a Rostafarian who sacrifices gerbils to Huitzilopotchli! Thank you, } Usenet Oracle!" } } Deal-A-Religion(r)! You'll never again have to wonder what you really } believe in, 'cause it's in the cards! } } To order, dial 1-800-GO-2-HELL. That's 1-800-GO-2-HELL. Save COD } charges by strangling the delivery boy and hiding the body. } } (Coming soon: Deal-A-Stance-On-Abortion(r) for politicians!)