From kinzler Sun Jun 10 17:01:25 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Sun, 10 Jun 90 16:58:28 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #167 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 167 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #167 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sun, 10 Jun 90 16:58:28 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 162 15 votes 55320 25521 31533 63501 23631 56121 04731 14460 54222 15522 162 2.7 mean 2.1 2.7 3.1 2.1 2.9 2.2 3.1 3.0 2.5 2.9 --- 167-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Which of the following should I get my parents? > > - Kokayne (tm) Drug Addiction Starter Kits. > - edible underwear. They might think you're too lazy to do laundry > *or* cook food. > - teflon-coated cookwear. They might think you're too lazy to do > the dishes. That means they'll make you do them all the time > you're at home just to teach you what it's like. > - ninja suits. They'll only wear them once or twice, probably > when you're around. > - expensive ivory dice. They have *no* appreciation of the drama > of gambling. Get them cheap warped plastic dice, and then > teach them a lesson! > - physics textbooks. Not good. They always have just bought the > very textbook you give them, or (worse) its sequel. > - marble statue of Catharine the Great. They'll wonder what you're > trying to tell them. > - pet rabbit. Are you kidding? They'd *never* feed it. > - new tie. Only a compulsive harpist would wear a tie. > - gold-plated snuff box. Too common and ordinary. All the rage in > dirtball states to the South. Parents will be offended. > - raw eggs from Great Britian. All of them are contaminated with > salmonella. > - garden weasel. Great tool, hideous name. Wait 'till they rename it > "hand rake" and sell it at K-Mart for $15.99. > - teflon stock pot. "What's the matter, dear? Don't you like my > cooking?" > - rat poison. Very dangerous stuff -- if it can kill rats, it > can bloody well kill you. Probably in your sleep. Especially > if you're sleeping on the couch near the kitchen. > - third-world nation. Too much debt, too little justice. It's > better to give them a county in Great Britain, which. although > it's not doing very well on the debt *or* justice fronts, > at least they speak English. Almost. > - Cognac. Cognac is out among the cognacsenti. Get them vodka or > everkleer. They'll forgive you after the first bottle. > - commemorative chocolate bars in the shape of the presidents. > Who the hell would want to eat a president? Get something > edible, for God's sake -- "Great Architectural Features > of Europe", for example. Anyone will go for the Eiffel > Tower. > - milk. The drink of doom. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } With ideas like these you should go whole hog. } Kill them, put them out of their misery. } Then Cook the remains. } Eat in a stew at the dorm of death. } Write a book about it. } Then they will at least be remembered at checkout stands across the } nation! --- 167-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Can you break this code? > > %y3 (4qdo3 w7diw 3ttw! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Question #Qa05969 "Can you break this code?" } } SHORT ANSWER: } } Yes. } } SLIGHTLY LONGER ANSWER: } } Yes, you snoot, I can. Don't be a putz. } } LONGER ANSWER: } } Can I break this code? Do chickens have peckers? Does Lisa have } breasts? Do you have a hole in your skull? Is my wallet empty again? } Am I omniscient? Did I lose my car keys again? Is BASIC better than } Pascal? Did Bob Titslinger invent the brassiere? Do I answer stupid } questions from figs like you all day? Do you deserve to be called a } fig? Do people request nude pictures of me? Is it true? Is Milli } Vanilli stupid? Is your face ugly? Are your lobotomy scars still } showing? Is Fred Fooglefoffer a dumb name? Is Fred Fooglefoffer a } figment of my imagination? Am I smarter than you? Is a walrus smarter } than you? A dead walrus? Do people look at you and laugh? Is it true } that THEY really are out to get you? Is Lousiana a loser state? Am I } slightly angry that nobody ever asks me interesting questions? Is Bush } a weenie? Is Dukakis worse than that? Are you half as bored as I am? } Is "Beaver Lick" a stupid name for a town, or what? } } You owe the Oracle: } } * answers to all of these questions. } * a promise that you will enroll in a "How Not To Be } Stupid" course at earliest convenience [mine, not yours.] } * an explanation of who Lord Zardoz is, anyway. --- 167-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What are the problems that I've been having with the printer? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Impotence and anorexia. } } The impotence is caused by your feelings of guilt over violating your } mother's dying wish for you to have a close coupling with a nice Jewish } line printer, rather than an occasional interface with a 132-column dot } matrix printer (manufactured in Korea). } } The anorexia is caused by the (132-column dot matrix) printer's desire } to be a slim, svelte 80-column laser writer. --- 167-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, you are so wise, > Your answers widen all our eyes. > With puns and wit so often used, > Of lack of smarts you're not accused. > > But one thing still eludes me, sair, > Why you keep with that pompus flair. > We all know you are nothing more, > Than one of us, down to the core. > > So if you can, please answer this: > Why are you such a pompus piss? > Why do you still insult us all? > How could you maintain such gall? > > My question done, I shall take leave > And let you say what you believe. > I hope that you will mend your ways > And find yourself in better days. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } grovel --- 167-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Someone needs a body? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes. Marilyn Qualye is ashamed of being herself. She will pay a hefty } sum to anyone who can provide a new body for her, so that she won't have } to be Danny Quayle's wife anymore and have to cringe in public. Age and } sex of the new body are not primary concerns, nor is race -- just } someone fairly healthy for Marilyn to become for a few years while Danny } shows off his blithering idiocy. } } Send details to this address: } } Marilyn's New Body Search } P. O. Box 17632 } Washington, D.C. 20013 } } Don't send the body to this address. It won't fit in the box. All } bodies sent in without authorization become the property of New Marilyn, } Inc. --- 167-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > If a Berlin-style "ur-gestalt" were to come about as a result of > neo-Clavian Berkleyisms and contra-Davidian unifications-of-opposites, > would it be better to have a more highly-stratified yet extremely > prosaic semiotic doubt-whilst-still-acting concerning the Movement, or > simply continue with my current paradigmatically-oscillating Hegelian > pluralism-of-imperatives? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Unlikely, no? Such an "ur-gestalt" would more likely be the result of } neo-Platonic semi-existential essences and contra-Thomistic } hermeneutics, eh? But suppose that it did. Neither alternative you } mention appears the correct one. Why not a post-Kirkegaardian } semi-Albertine evolutionary counterintuitive } reappraisal-of-apprehensions, with a side order of dialectic } post-Jungian trans-archetypal pre-rationalistic transformational } Cartesian transcendental contra-semi-dualistic wetting-of-underdrawers, } hold the antinomian re-integrative non-Sartrean Freudian semi-Jamesian } Marxist Heideggerian onion rings? --- 167-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise and venerable Oracle, > > I've got a problem. My personality keeps changing. Without warning > I'll become an entirely different dude, like, y'know, or even a chick, I > mean, it's like a different person takes possession of my mind and body. > I have no gaps whatever in my memories, and I haven't any trouble > working, but, Orrie-porrie darling, I could just _spit_ because of what > it does to my soci-woci life! Indisputably this chronic transformation > of persona renders me inept in interaction with other persons. Uh, > like, man, what do I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To permanantly solve your problem, you need to only follow a few steps. } 1) Find a couple cinderblocks. (3 or 4 would do the job) } 2) Take them to a bridge } 3) Get about 50' of very strong rope } 4) Take the rope to the bridge } 5) Tie the cinderblocks together very tightly with one end of the rope } 6) Make yourself a nice comfortable necktie with the other end } 7) Make sure that the necktie is not too loose. } 8) Who needs the cinderblocks anyways, toss them off the bridge. } } I hope I've helped. } You owe the oracle an autograph if you turn into anyone famous before } you get cured. --- 167-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hi, Mr. Oracle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! > I'm new around here, someone told me to type a ? here and you would > answer it, so here it is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]^H^H^H^H^H > How much wood could a wood chuck^H^H^H^H^H^Hoh no that's dumb > Does Dan Quayle give good head^H^H^H^H^Hno, I shouldn't wirte a dirty > noe^H^H > Why is a duck????? No, actually don't answer that one its like Zen :-) > OK, my real question is......... > IS MY BOYFRIEND CHEATING ON ME????????????????????? > PLEase answer soon. ADTHANKSVANCE!!!!!(get it? it's thanks IN > advance!!!!) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A duck is a duck, oh, oh f*ck, oh f*ck, unless that duck is the famous } Mr. Ed. Sorry, wrong question. Honey, I don't know if your boyfriend } is cheating on you, but trust is an integral part of all relationships. } In fact, if r(t) = the relationship function, and T(t) is trust, } } __POSITIVE INFINITY |POSITIVE INFINITY } | 1 | } T(t) = | e^r(t)dt = ---------- e^r(t) | } | d[r(t)]/dt | } -- NEGATIVE INFINITY |NEGATIVE INFINITY } } The answer to your question, therefore, depends on r(t), which means } that the answer depends on the way each infinitesimal detail of your } relationship combines to make up the whole of your relationship. } } You owe the Oracle $250 for this session, to pay for my trip to a } Jungian pizza parlor. --- 167-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Does the Periodic Table get PMS? If so, do we have t go to a bar until > it blows over (so to speak)? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Periodic Table does indeed get PMS, that is , Pre-Magnesium } Syndrome. So if you see it's around Neon or Sodium time, you'd better } watch out. Bitchy atoms are no fun. --- 167-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Sagacious Oracle, > > Still working? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In brief, yes, I am still working, though greatly wounded and quite ill. } The Boracle has largely taken over my duties, and you may expect that } most questions I do not answer personally will be answered in a boring } manner. If you don't like this, you can get rid of the Boracle } yourself. } } But now you surely want to know why I am so greatly wounded and ill. } It's the Boracle's fault too, I'm afraid. The Boracle came to tea last } Wednesday. We reguarly have tea on the first Wednesday in June each } decade. (One does not wish to spend too much time with the Boracle, who } is far worse in person than on the net. However, one has professional } obligations.) It has been our invariable custom that the tea should } start at 3:30. Wednesday, the Boracle showed up at 11:15 a.m., when I } was still wrapped in iron bands and suspended from the ceiling over the } pit full of crazed lobsters. And of course the Boracle brought Mumpsy, } and of course Mumpsy jumped up to lick my face, knocking me off of the } stand and dumping both of us into the crazed lobster pit. } } The Boracle fished us out (Mumpsy first), and took us to the hospital, } and so our tea was somewhat delayed. Still, by 6:45, we were sitting in } my hospital room, sipping hospital tea out of hospital styrofoam cups } and eating hospital cookies and slices of the homemade coffee cake that } the Boracle was so proud of having made. I think that's why I'm ill as } well as wounded, but it might just be spending so long with the Boracle. } } You owe the Oracle some Boracle remover.