From kinzler Tue May 29 10:47:29 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Tue, 29 May 90 10:42:29 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #163 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 163 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #163 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 29 May 90 10:42:29 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 158 16 votes 03238 15820 22642 52450 44512 36511 14740 35530 23353 12643 158 2.9 mean 4.0 2.7 3.1 2.6 2.6 2.4 2.9 2.5 3.3 3.4 --- 163-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's this tie-died bathmat doing in my home directory? I'm trying to > keep a clean Republican file system here, and these darn hippy things > keep showing up right in my home directory. Gosh darn it, it makes me > so mad I could just LOWER TAXES! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dateline May 24th, 1990 AP wire Bulletin. } } The Defense Department Computer Network, formally DARPA, now NSFNET, has } announced plans for transmitting matter over the internet communications } lines. The plan was annoucned yesterday in response to requests by the } academic and scientific communities who wished to see something usefull } come out of the US Defense Department. } } According to sources, the first test of matter transmission will be a } tie- dyed mathmat that will be depostited into what is termed the Home } Directory of all users of machines that are connected to the Internet. } Defense Department spokesman Ivor Splint says: "We feel that a tie-dyed } bathmat is precisely what the academic, scientific, and military } communites need in order for our progressive attitude towards a newer } age of clours and fabrics in respect for the generations of two } generations ago to be fully shown in the glory and desire it needs." } } Apparently the bathmat has caused some surprise in the Internet } community, but as most users know, a simple %rm -f bathmat.takcy should } cause it to be removed once and for all. --- 163-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and wistful Oracle, whose eyes are like unto infinite football > trophies, whose chest I am too lowly to confuse, without whom the green > egg would be fragmentary, whose barrette I am too fat to ban, I humble > myself before your rebellious intellect. > > Where might I find the great Oolbong of Baldoon? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You generate these automatically, don't you? } } > Where might I find the great Oolbong of Baldoon? } } He's moved: } -------- } % f -m oolbong@remain.com } Login name: oolbong In real life: The Great Oolbong } Phone: (415)-767-2676 } Directory: /usr/acct/oolbong Shell: /usr/bin/emacs } On since May 25 00:25:43 on ttyv6 } Project: OS/2 port of "Robotron 2084" } Plan: } Wow! A user smart enough to use 'finger' on *this* system. } Well, I suppose you want to know how I came about the moniker, "The } Great Oolbong." } } Way back when, I had a girlfriend. Her name was Marie, but } she's since changed it. Anyway, as girlfriend and boyfriend are wont to } do, we indulged in great quantities of mutual physical gratification (if } you know what I mean, and I think you do). The moniker stems from } something that happened during just such an event. } } Marie was quite amazing; there was no end to the variety of } positions or techniques, or indeed locations involved during lovemaking. } One day, while on vacation in Europe, we were touring a cathedral. Part } of the tour took us to the belfry. Marie and I got separated from the } rest of the group, and before we knew everyone had moved on, everyone } *had* moved on, and we were locked in the belfry. } } My immediate thoughts were to extricate ourselves from this } ignominious position. Marie, on the other hand, had other ideas, and } before long was trying to disrobe me. I tried to explain that there } were more important things to attend to at the moment, and besides I } thought it was rather bad form to make love in a church. However, such } pleadings had never worked with her before, and I was having similar } results now. She also knew where all my hot spot were, and before long } we were both furiously pumping away. } } People, including myself, when in the throes of passion, tend to } make noises. These noises don't necessarily have any meaning, or indeed } make any sense, but they are made nontheless. In my particular case, I } tend to utter an "Ooooo"-type sound. However, given that we were both } standing up at the time, I was experiencing more structural stress than } usual, and the sound was coming out somewhat garbled, as if I were } adding an 'l' to the end. We had also ended up such that my back was } facing the large main bell (thought I didn't know that at the time). } The bell came to about the nape of my neck. Oh, did I mention I also } throw my head back a lot? } } Anyway, as final gratification approached, I uttered my sound at } the top of my lungs and threw my head back. I hit the bell rather } firmly, causing it to make its characteristic noise. The pain that } followed a few picoseconds afterward caused me to lose all interest in } what I was doing at the time and grab my head. Marie, however, thought } that the combination of the two sounds was absolutely the most } hysterical thing she ever heard in her life, and burst out laughing. } The sound also caught the attention of, well, everyone in the city, } since the bell wasn't scheduled to make anything remotely approaching } that kind of noise for at least another 20 minutes. Shortly afterward, } the tour guides opened the belfry and let us out (we had dressed by } then). } } Since that time, Marie has always referred to me by the sound } that was made: "Oolbong." "Baldoon" is a phonetically corrupted version } of the name of the town where the cathedral is located. } } I think you can still see the dent in the bell today... } -------- } Funny how My replies are always sexual in nature. } } You owe The Oracle Marie's new name and address. --- 163-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why does Pepto-Bismol work? Why should bismuth subsalicylate settle an > upset stomach or ease diarrhea? Why bismuth? I like the word > "bismuth." Bismuth, bismuth, bismuth. I think I'll change my name to > Bismuth B. Bismuth and go around handing out bismuth tablets. I also > want things made out of bismuth. Is bismuth metal stable in air? Maybe > I should have rings and dog tags and buttons on my jacket all made of > bismuth. How about a bismuth belt buckle? Bismuth tips on my shoe > laces. Bismuth foil on the walls of my apartment instead of that stupid > wallpaper. Bismuth-plated bumpers on my car instead of chrome-plated > ones. Oooooh, I love bismuth! Maybe I can have a dress and > undergarments made of little bismuth links like chain mail only finer, > and get my girlfriend to wear them. I wonder if she'll change her name > to Bismuthia -- what a pretty name! > > Yours in bismuth, O wise and bismuth-supportive Oracle, > > Bismuth B. Bismuth And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I think you had better go back and read the instructions once more. You } should not pulverize tablets and inhale them nor should you inject the } liquid into your arm. Taking it this way is extremely addictive and } causes one to rave on and on about how much they love and need it, as } you have demonstrated in your question! My advice to you is to throw } away all Bismuth related producyou have in your home immediatly, then go } and admit yourself into the Betty Ford Clinic. --- 163-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > HELP! One moment I was graduating from college, ready for an exciting > career doing system programming, and all of a sudden I'm stuck inside > this concrete building where the windows don't open, the fluorescent > lights buzz, and this burly, smiling man holds the elevator doors open > for me. Where am I, how did I get here, and what do I have to do to get > out? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmm...sounds like IBM to me. You are a slave of Big Blue. I think } that they've taken to kidnapping new employees. But don't worry -- } spend all your time sending messages to and from the Oracle, and you'll } be out of there in a jiffy! --- 163-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > I asked you about bismuth and you said that I should stop taking bismuth > tablets, and especially not sniff them or inject them. But I haven't > really been having much bismuth recently -- just a couple of > Pepto-Bismol tablets (which contain bismuth subsalicylate) the other > day. It's not due to bismuth abuse that I have become obsessed with > bismuth. I just like the sound and look of the word, and the appearance > of the metal. Bismuth, bismuth, bismuth, bismuth, bismuth, bismuth, > bismuth, bismuth, bismuth, bismuth, bismuth, bismuth, bismuth, bismuth, > bismuth, bismuth, bismuth, bismuth, bismuth, bismuth. Doesn't that make > you feel wonderful, dear Oracle? When was the last time you said > "bismuth." You may not have said it since reciting a memorized list of > elements! Go ahead -- say it! Use the word bismuth in a sentence. Buy > some Pepto-Bismol or a cheap copy -- get the liquid, and watch it slide > against the glass, all pink- dyed. Bismuth. Wow. Is bismuth used in > any other commercially common products? Where can I buy bismuth wire > and bismuth tubing and assorted bismuth shapes? I want to make statues > of of bismuth. I want to cover things with bismuth foil. I want a > bismuth condom. I want to wrap food in bismuth foil instead of aluminum > foil. Is bismuth expensive or something? How come people don't know > about bismuth? Doesn't the name bismuth come from "weiss [something or > other]" meaning "white [something or other -- 'stuff' or 'mass' or > 'lump' I think] in German? Is bismuth part of pewter? Wood's metal? > Type metal? Any type of solder? > > Do you realize (of course you do, being the Oracle) that I've spent > entire YEARS of my life without giving bismuth a thought? I've even > though more about ruthenium and rhodium than about bismuth. Maybe > bismuth is the catalyst for a practical form of cold fusion! Years and > years in which I didn't see the word "bismuth" in print, let alone say > it! And Pepto-Bismol ads don't mention the bismuth in it directly. > Stupid fools! Here they are with a product that is largely made of that > wonderful chemical element BISMUTH and they don't proclaim it to the > world! Are they ashamed of bismuth? Bismuth must be ashamed of them! > I wouldn't be surprised if bismuth refused to be put in Pepto-Bismol any > more -- if it went on strike! I wouldn't blame it, either, oh no. > > Excuse me. But I do hold bismuth in tender affection. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Tsk, tsk, tsk... } } These Canadians are so stupid. } } Makes you wonder if they change their underwear. --- 163-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why don't we spell "Eskimo" "Esquimaux" any more? Do the French still > spell it that way? Is it true that Eskimo consider it a mildly > insulting term (somewhat less so than an American black might consider > "nigger")? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You came to the right person on this one. The Oracle has an agent in } Alaska, and he has been contacted to try to answer this question for } you. } } Hello, Alaska! Can you hear me? Come in! } } What? } } A question has been posed to the Oracle that we would like you to } answer. } } So? } } Well, it is about Eskimos, and we figured that you would be the best one } to answer it... seeing as you are in Alaska and all. } } Oh. OK. You realize that it IS 3AM here, don't you? } } Oh, sorry. Forgot about the time difference. } } No problem. Let's see, the person wants to know 2 things. First of } all, we do not spell Eskimo "Esquimeaux" anymore because the French } spelling is too hard, especially for English speaking persons. If } the French want to spell it that way, fine by me, but don't say I } didn't tell you so! } } As for the term "Eskimo" being insulting, are you insulted if } someone calls you by the name of your culture? Frenchman, } Englishman, American, Eskimo, Athabaskan, Aleut, Y'upik. They are } all very distinct and separate cultures. } } If you really want to insult an Eskimo, call him an Aleut, or vice } versa. You are guaranteed a fight quicker than you can say "pass } the muktuk". } } "Eskimo" has come to mean "anyone that is indigenous to a cold } climate and isn't European", and, unfortunately, it can be used as } somewhat of a slur. } } Can I go back to bed now? } } Yes, thank you, Alaska, for that information. That information was } provided by XXXXX@ALASKA in case anyone is interested. } } You owe XXXXXX@ALASKA one large wool blanket and an Eskimo Pie. --- 163-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What does the future hold for my BBS (bulletin board system) in the > 1990's? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } BBS! } BBS! } See how it runs! } See how it runs! } The first one to call had an IBM, } He flamed about how the screen was so dim. } You told the poor dweeb to RTFM, } On BBS! } } BBS! } BBS! } See how it runs! } See how it runs! } The next one to call had a Mac SE } He'd bought it on sale at MIT } He flamed because you couldn't FTP } from BBS! } } BBS! } BBS! } See how it runs! } See how it runs! } The third one to call had no girlfriend, } He'd never get sex to the bitter end, } You told him his manners and clothes to mend! } on BBS! } } BBS! } BBS! } See how it runs! } See how it runs! } The users call up and all want to chat! } They have smaller brains than the average gnat! } They download your files and that is that! } on BBS. } } BBS! } BBS! } See how it runs! } See how it runs! } You lose lots of money on user fees, } They niggle and haggle and flame and tease! } And there's nobody here who knows how to say "please" } on BBS. } } BBS! } BBS! } See how it runs! } See how it runs! } I dialed it up on the telephone, } The sysop told me that its screen was blown, } Have you ever heard such a heartsick groan, } from BBS? --- 163-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where does the wore "fnord" come from? I keep seeing it on the net... > now I've seen it in the literature for a fantasy-role-playing game. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's mostly used by the Illuminati and their imitators. It's a generxxx } xxxxxxx xxxxxxxx xx xxx x x xx x xxxxxx xxxxxxx, xx xx xx x xxx xxx } xxxxx xxxxxxxx x xxxxxxxxx: x xxxxxxxx x xxxxxxxx xxxxx; xxxxx x x xxx } xxx xx x xxxx x x xxx x xx xxxxxx xx xxx xxxxxx xx xxx x x xxxx xx xxx x } xxxxxx xx xxxxxx xx xx x xx xxxx xxxxxx: xxxx x x x x xxx xxxxxx. xxx } xxxxxxx x xxx xxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxxx xxx xxxxxx, xxxx, x xxx, xxx xxxx, } xxx x xx xxxxxx xx xxxx xxxx xxxxxx x xx. xx xxxxxx xxxxxx xxx x x xx } xxx xx. xx x xxxxxx x xxxxxxxxx x xxxxx xxx xx x xxxxxxx xxxxxx xx xxxx } x xxxxxxxx x x xxxxxxx xx xxxx x xx xxxxxxxx xx xxx! xxxxxxxxx x xx } xxxxxxxxx x xxxxxxxxxxx xxxxx xx x x xxx xx x x xxxxxx xxxxxxxxx xxxx x } xxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxx x xxxx xx x xx xx x x x xxxx x x xxx xx xxxxx x x } xxxxx x xx xxxxxx xxx xx xxxx xxx? --- 163-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's it like to have sex with a woman? I'm a virgin and so I don't > know. Is it really worth all the trouble and expense, or should I go > for perpetual virginity? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } YES!!! I love it question I can finally answer good. Oh boy! } } Ok let's start. } } Sex with a woman is like this. Well it is hard (no pun) to describe, so } just watch. } } ] talk lisa@sexland.net.good } } Connection Established... } } ] Lisa this is the Oracle again I need to show a guy what sex is like. } } ] Would you help.... } } ) Ohh O let's do it } } ] Lisa (pant,pant) } } ) Ohh Ohh Ohh Ohh (Gasp!) } } ] (Gasp!) } } ) More! } } ... CENSORED ... } } ] (Puff,Puff) } Connection Closed. } } Well anyway I hope you got the Idea, but to sum up: } } Sex is well worth your weight in blue berries. } (That's all any other males knows either!) } } You owe the Oracle a report on your first time. --- 163-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Are there any manuscripts of unknown Bach cantatas hidden away > somewhere: lost amongst heaps of paper in a museum or archive, waiting > to be discovered? If so, where can I find one of them? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hidden in a vault deep in the mountains of Bavaria is the Bach cantata } "Ein Feiste Berliner ist Meinen Got", (A Mighty Jelly Doughnut Is My } God). This is the last cantata Bach ever wrote, and it was written in } 1821. } } "Du bist ein Scheissekopf!" I can hear you exclaiming at the terminal. } "Bach died in 1750, and he surely would not have written such an } irreverant cantata even if he were alive seventy-one years later!" } } However, Bach did not die in the eighteenth century as many critics have } claimed. His stupendous musical genius was such that he began to } anticipate the musical styles of future times, and so the Musicological } Illuminati (you do know about the Musicological Illuminati, do you not?) } was forced to remove him, lest he introduce new musical styles before } they were ready to criticize them. They tried to assassinate him } several times, but he was always able to compose fugues powerful enough } to defeat their plots. (You may wonder where all those fugues came } from, when Bach quite clearly wrote in his diaries "I abhor fugues! } They are the vilest of all musical forms, and were I not in grave danger } I would not sully my soul with them!") } } The plots failing, they had Telemann compose a potent orchestral suite, } so boring that it drove Bach to unconsciousness. The Illuminati removed } Bach to a secret cave in Bavaria. They substituted the corpse of a } baker for Bach's corpse, and most of the musical establishment was } fooled. } } After some days, Bach recovered consciousness. He was imprisoned in a } tiny cell, and fed only one pizza and water whilst the Illuminati } debated amongst themselves as to the proper method of disposing of him. } But almost immediately, the Illuminati made the mistake of feeding him a } pizza topped with sweet pickles, shrimp, figs, red-eye gravy, } cauliflower, Kung Pao shrimps, eggplant, salami, lobster, corned beef, } Uji, mayonnaise, snails, jelly, five-spice squid, crab salad, vinegar, } and apples, which (as is well known) is the Pizza of Immortality. This, } of course, rendered him invulnerable to all that the Illuminati could } do, and so they simply held him in captivity. } } He tried to devise music which would release him; mighty though he may } be, still he is no Orpheus, and so he remained imprisoned there. He has } been composing from that day to this. By 1818, he had anticipated the } styles of Debussy, Stravinsky, Satie, and Strauss, and had composed an } epic two-year-long opera in a fairly Wagnerian style on based on } thematic material from "The Wrath of Khan." The previously-mentioned } cantata is written in somewhat of an absurdist style. By 1840, he had } passed through twelve-tone and minimalist phases. I probably shouldn't } tell you want he's doing now; it requires instruments for which the } technology will not be developed for millions of years. } } You owe the Oracle the complete works of Carl Orff, on CD.