From kinzler Fri May 25 14:10:29 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Fri, 25 May 90 13:58:57 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #162 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 162 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #162 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 25 May 90 13:58:57 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 157 18 votes 01647 12456 43821 25632 35631 33642 12492 35433 56421 43533 157 3.0 mean 3.9 3.7 2.6 2.9 2.7 2.9 3.5 2.9 2.3 2.9 --- 162-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise & unflappable Oracle, > > oh, what's the point of going on...i'm doomed...there's no reason > to exist...can't even remember the stupid and mendacious question > i was going to ask you...i wish i didn't exist... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } So you need a reason to go on? Never fear, The Usenet Oracle's here! } } THE USENET ORACLE'S TOP TEN REASONS TO GO ON LIVING } } 10. Late Night with David Letterman } 9. Michelle Eveland } 8. Technotronic videos } 7. Cola Wars } 6. Savings, savings, SAVINGS!!!!! } 5. Debbie Gibson's new fragrance, Electric Youth } 4. The Usenet Oracle } 3. Unix } 2. The University of Minnesota, Morris is finally getting a new Student } Center! } } And the number on reason to go on living: } } 1. Lisa and Lena } } You owe the Oracle an autographed picture of Larry "Bud" Melman. --- 162-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I am from Australia, and we have only just started getting the alt.* > groups. I've just spent some time looking at alt.flame, and all the > people going on and on about nothing and a question springs to mind: > > Why? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Once upon a time there was a land called "Usenet". Most of the } people there were social outcasts who found joy in the twiddling } of bits. Being as how they were very good at this twiddling, } they took pride in their opinions, and stated them loudly so that } others would listen to them and respect them. Into the faceless } void of the net they would type their opinions, and woe unto the } unsuspecting visitor who might question their Not So Humble } Opinions... } } It is the need to be heard that you see in alt.flame, the need to } define onesself by having, and stating, strong opinions. It is } easy to rant and rave at a faceless audience that is always quiet } while you are typing at them. } } Those who never feel listened to find solace in alt.flame. Be } thankful that you are not one of them. Give understanding and } pity to those in alt.flame, because you have what they do not. --- 162-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O most experienced and wise Oracle, > What advice would you give to one about to take four final exams in a > two-day period? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 1. Before the first examination, buy or otherwise acquire a large (100- } 200 gallons) bottle of brandy or cognac. Before each examination, } immerse the teaching assistant of the relevant course in the liquor, } and set them alight. } } 2. Drop two tabs of LSD before each examination. } } 3. When the whale swims up to the glasnost, emit beams of radiation in } standard Pascal which sort the input data. } } 4. Make sure that Yasser Arafat doesn't firebomb your table of } integrals. The best way to do this is a short SNOBOL program. Don't } use the "FRETURN" mechanism, though. Yasser's sure to have it } booby-trapped. } } 5. If Secretary of State James Baker shows up with a phaser and a } shovel, dive very quickly under the place where the table used to be, } even if it looks like a mantissa at the moment. Be careful not to } disturb the nuclear warheads they keep there. } } 6. Be sure to bring some bowls and spoons, in case the exam papers are } written on ice cream. } } 7. Bring a copy of the Bill of Rights, in case you somehow become an } American citizen or a fried potato or something like that. Make sure } that it satisfies all the requirements of data abstraction, code } modulation, and big clouds of gas and dust. } } 8. Don't glitch on the whale. It has a bright spot on its surface, } which you detect each time it spins. } } 9. *( -dng 14@ object # ajixi? Oh, the *$N spinning. } } 10. Interfe!$@ puslll N(( *$N. } } 11. On second thought, lay off the LSD. --- 162-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the depth of meaning in the common manager's mating > cry, to wit: > > "Get outta my face ya bum an shaddap er ya FIRED!" > > I hear it quite commonly, in fact, with alarming frequency; > should I be concerned? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let me put it this way: } } Get outta my face ya bum an shaddap er ya FIRED! } } You owe the Oracle your first unemployment cheque. --- 162-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Are there health hazards peculiar to being Canadian? Eh? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In Professor Snilwit's _Guide To the Fauna of Canada_ he makes a } reference to the tendency for most Canucks to end a sentence with some } strange syllable. While not in itself dangerous, it often confers a } sense of stupidity about the speaker, thus leading to assaults by } vicious muggers and grammatical nuns. Another problem with being } Canadian arises from a dietary predilection for bad beer -- this leads, } of course, to the making of movies such as _Strange Brew_ and the } evolution of the MacKenzie brothers, both of which can be tried as } justifiable homicide in American courts. Thus Canadian beer-drinkers } who say "eh?" have a short life-span in the United States. Health } hazards peculiar to the location of the Canadian in question are: acid } rain's gaseous hiccup (ARGH), being eaten by brown bears (or polar } bears), falling into the ocean, shooting yourself while hunting, and } falling into a vat of beer. For a more definitive answer see "I Hate } Canada" by P. Trudeau. } } You owe the Oracle a 51st state. --- 162-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How much news could usenet use if usenet could use news? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } nooze! } It's just another kind of booze! } It's made for people who love to looze! } I read it to the chicks I crooze! } That's what I love about netnooze! --- 162-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and Hunnish Oracle, without whom Cleveland would be fleeing, > whose beauty randomizes the politicians themselves, I abase myself > before your artistic non sequitur. I made a lasagne by the recipe you > sent me, and now the noodles are glowing green and creeping around my > apartment. What's going on? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, you asked for the recipe for Teenage Mutant Ninja Pasta, and I } gave it to you. With proper marketing, you should draw in a bundle with } syndication and merchandise. Just don't get them really wet, otherwise } they will dissolve and goo up your carpet. } } You owe the Oracle a Teenage Mutant Ninja Pasta action figure. } The Oracle has advised. --- 162-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wildly massively all-seeing and god-fearing Oracle, without whom the > nematode would be uncomplicated, whose omniscience delights the > politicians themselves, I abase myself before your shocking omniscience. > > Should I stop asking you stupid questions and go back to work? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, you should, Jenkins. This is your boss in #307, and I'm } sick and tired of you wasting the company's CPU time and resources to } send mail to this purile Oracle thing. } } I've been reading this Oracle stuff, and I haven't found it to } have one single redeeming quality. Everyone seems pre-occupied with } this fictitious Lisa character and phony conversations with Satan. } } In this company, however, we observe a higher standard. You're } not meeting the standard, Jenkins. So get your ass in gear and finish } that OS/2 port; we've got a deadline. And don't give me any of that } creativity crap. This is no time for creativity. We've got a product } to produce. } } You owe The Oracle an honest day's work. --- 162-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Someone on the net just claimed that "labels matter less than what is > inside." If this is true, this will completely demolish (1) my > philosophy of life, which can be summed up as "look good, sound good, > smell good, and you'll be rolling in chicks and money", and (2) my > philosophy of buying canned goods in grocery stores, which can be summed > up as "if it looks good, sounds good, and smells good, then pay the > money and give it to a chick to cook for you." How should I respond to > this deep, penetrating spirituoshopping crisis? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Do that which you always intended to do, viz: ignore the claim and } go on looking good, sounding good, smelling good, and rolling in } chicks and money. --- 162-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh clever Oracle most splendid, all-comprehending and all-trying and > all-grokking and all-smelling and all-spying, whose roast glows to > heaven, I beg of you,, answer my flamboyant query. > > If, as some might suggest, I should best stop asking you dopy > questions and get back to work, what sort of work might be best for me > to get back to? For I shall not do just *any* sort of work. I shall > do nothing geeky or otherwise degrading, and whatever I do must be > scholarly and wise and suitable for a gentleman of impeccable taste. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Several options come to mind: } } Coke is having a contest using some stupid pop-out-of-the-can } gimmick. Offer a service to X-ray Coke (tm) cans in bulk to look for } winning cans without actually opening them. Charge half the winnings. } } Change the sheets on your bed. This will improve your chances of } finding a mate by rather a lot. } } Hi-jack the Fox "Network's" satellite feed. (You should, however, } release it for 'The Simpsons.') } } Find work as a Veg-O-Matic. } } Send 'ask me's to The Oracle instead of 'tell me's. } } Re-program Voyager II to send back its imagery as encapsulated } PostScript files. } } Offer to help Steve Kinzler scan material for the Usenet } Oracularities. } } Find out how Twin Peaks was *really* supposed to end. } } Positively confirm or deny everything that is alleged on } alt.conspiracy. } } You owe The Oracle 10,000 Nintendo lockout chips.