From kinzler Tue May 1 15:38:37 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Tue, 1 May 90 15:33:42 -0500 From: Stephen Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #150 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 150 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #150 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 1 May 90 15:33:42 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 150-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's the story of Schroedinger's cat? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ahhh - after having to answer two zillion questions about woodchucks, } Lisa and kinky sex, I finally get an interesting one! } } Schroedinger's cat is often described as a thought (Gedanken) experiment } by ignorant authors of physics textbooks. Actually, the cat, being very } real, very much resents being called 'gedanken', and the experiment was } a very real one, too. The true story remains little known, however } (having been hushed up by idol-worshipping later generations of } physicists), so the Oracle is very happy to get the opportunity of } telling it. } } It all happened back in '27 or '28, when Schroedinger, Born, Einstein, } Bohr and some others of that bunch of guys were discussing the } connection of reality and quantum mechanics over some beer. Einstein } had just made his famous exclamation 'Aber der liebe Gott wuerfelt } nicht!' (But the good Lord doesn't play dice!), although he (due to the } large amount of beer ingested) had some difficulty getting the } pronunciation right, and it actually sounded more like 'But a wood gourd } doesn't pay twice', which, of course, is pure nonsense. (Except in the } little-known Uhumba dialect of northern Swaziland, where it actually } means 'A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn' - rather a } remarkable coincidence. But I digress.) } } Bohr maintained that a quantum mechanical system actually is a } superposition of all its possible states, until you make a measurement, } when the system instantly collapses to just one of these states (Since } he had just finished his seventh Carlsberg, he had some difficulty } getting the German syntax right, but never mind, that's what he meant). } } 'Zo you mean zat, for example, zat cat over zere could be, zay, bos } alife and dead at ze zame time?' Einstein retorted } } 'Which off zem do you mean?' asked Born, 'I zee two off zem, and zey } actually are zuperposed (or is it ze beer? Yes, it is ze beer!)' } } 'Nonsense' replied Bohr, 'a cat is not a quatn... quamtun... *quantum* } mechanical system!' } } 'But', said Schroedinger, struck by a thought, 'suppose ve *make* it a } quantum zystem, by haffing a radioactive decay trigger a hammer, that } breaks a cyanide bottle, that kills ze cat, wiss a certain probability!' } } Had the guys been slightly more sober at the moment, they might have let } it rest at that. Now, however, Schroedinger grabbed poor Snurzi (yes, } German cats are called things like that) and put her in a box, while } Bohr ran down to the labs to get some cyanide, some uranium and a geiger } counter. They rapidly connected up the apparatus, switched it on and } went home. The next morning, they reckonned, Schnurzi would be a } quantum mechanical superposition of 50% living cat and 50% dead cat. } } The next morning, when Schroedinger had recovered, he realized what they } had done - as soon as they opened the box, poor Schnurzi's wave function } would collapse into a state where she would be either dead or alive. } Hovewer, to his horror he found that he had put the decimal point wrong, } and that, as soon as they opened the box, they would with a probabilitiy } of 99.5 %, not 50 % find a very dead cat. } } He immediately called his friends and they decided to leave Schnurzi in } the box until Einstein had found out what was wrong with quantum } mechanics. Unfortunately, he never did. All of them also swore solemn } oaths never, never, to do a single experiment again. } } Schnurzi was, by the way, rescued by the net.physics.goddess (although } she, due to the non-existence of Usenet at that time, was only the } physics.goddess) a few days later, made into a cat.physics.martyr, and } is still living in the net.heaven. } } } You owe the Oracle a self-consistent theory of everything (and I mean } *everything*, I want to use it to calculate the cosmological constant as } well as my chances of getting a date with Lisa). --- 150-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, most wise and wordy Oracle, > > Why is it that when you are asked the most simple and stupid > easy-to-answer questions, you answer in many pages of boring > text, using up my quota, and boring me half to death!? > > -Jane User And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Jane, you ignorant slut. Asking me why I am so verbose is like } asking Michelangelo why he used so many colors, but being the } brain-dead sleazebag you are, I wouldn'tt put it past you. Not } everyone life can be boiled down to a dollar amount and a time } limit, as yours can. Rather some of us enjoy the fine art of } conversation, and see the merit in concise flowing text, as } opposed to "if you're done then get out, and leave the money } on the table", or other such witticisms fund in your trade. } Jane, everyone has their strong points. My strong point is clear } and enlightening prose, yours is disposal of bodily fluids, so } you don't tell me how to do my job, and I won't tell you how to } do yours (unless you phrase it as a question). } } You owe the Oracle a tape of Poin-Counterpoint from the old } Saturday Night Live --- 150-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's that on your head? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah! I see you're admiring my new hat! I do cut a dashing figure in it } don't I? The } } >message from kinzler!iuvax } >Hey, Oracle! Nice hat! (ppffft!) } } Why thank you, Stephen! Observe the tasteful green fringe, the } exquisitely centered ruby! } } >message from lisa!iuvax } >Oh, Oracle! Your hat is so (pft!) so sexy! } } Oh, Lisa! Do you really mean it? } } >Oh, sure! That orange piping really (haha) really turns me on! } >BWAH-HAHA^C } } Isn't Lisa sweet? But my favorite part is the action scenes from "The } A-Team" all around the rim. Yes, this hat is a keeper! } } >message from barbara!iuvax } >Say, Oracle, can we get a picture of you in your hat for the } >yearbook? } } Certainly! Why, Barbara, are those tears in your eyes? } } >Yeah, (heeheehee) that hat just moves me to tears. (heeheeheehaha) } } Boy, it's great to have friends, isn't it? } } You owe the Oracle some more admiration. --- 150-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Classes end in a few days. Any words of wisdom before I depart? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Tsu-li's favorite student, Jo-nen, came to him one day. } "Tsu-li," he said, "I am leaving tomorrow to visit my family. Do } you have any advice for me before I depart?" } Tsu-li looked at Jo-nen and said, "Don't forget your toothbrush." } In that instant Jo-nen was enlightened. } } Nueh's comment: } Tsu-li was old and stupid. He should not have given Jo-nen such } an easy time of it. Jo-nen would have learned better if Tsu-li had } answered by hitting him with a stick. } } To travel with a toothbrush, } Walk the dusty roads with a comb, } Knowing the true nature of zen } And where your towel is. --- 150-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Mighty Oracle, this question is not for you, but for Barbara. Could > you please forward it to her? (I know you can answer it yourself, > please don't be offended. I would just like to get the answer from > Barbara herself.) > > --cut here------------------------------------------- > > Your Divine Suppleness, Dear Barbara, > > I am the one who first made you known in the Oracularities, by asking > about the net.suppleness.goddess. Since then, I have become a great > admirer of you, though I have never seen you. I hope you don't mind > being mentioned in the Oracularities. No, it's not me every time! > > Being the goddess, I am sure you must be cultivating the true, pure > suppleness, untouched by thoughts of sex or other distractions. That > is the job of Lisa, who, as I understand, is also extremely limber. > But she is stiff as compared with you, my lovely Barbara! > > And I want you to know that it is for this that I admire you so much: > You are divinely supple for no other purpose than just being supple. > When you do your contortions, it is simply because you love being > able to do these things with your super-flexible self. It is not only > the unique quality of your suppleness, but also ist natural purity, > that makes you so special. > > I would like to ask you one thing: I suppose you spend a lot of time > practising and exploring new stunning acts to perform and unbelievable > positions to assume (you must have a fantastic repertiore, Barbara!). > > But when you simply want to sit on your sofa reading a good book, or > on cushions on the floor watching TV, how do you sit? I mean, what > positions do you find the most comfortable, when you want to give your > wonderfully supple body in to total relaxation? > > Have a good time, and don't ever let anyone exploit your divine > suppleness for any other purpose. Stay the way you are! > > A good, friendly hug from > > Your great admirer. :-) > =================== > > PS. If you want to know who I am, The Usenet Oracle have my > permission to give you my mail address. > --cut here------------------------------------------- And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Okey-dokey. I gave your letter and your mail address to Barb. } Good luck! --- 150-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Wisest of Mythical Expert Systems, please bequeath to me the following > knowledge: > > Why can't people ask the Oracle interesting questions, instead of crap > about net.sex.goddesses and navel lint? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, well, it appears we have an intellectual in our midst. Belly } button lint not good enough for you, eh? Lisa, the beloved (and } belusted) net.sex.goddess not good enough for you, eh? I suppose you'd } prefer some highbrow, pseudo-intelectual humor? } } Q: How many quarks fit in a shoebox? } } A: All of them, because they have no temporal dimension } therefore take no space at all! } } Oh har, HAR! You dweeby, pencil-neck physics types make me puke! } Normal people LIKE sexually oriented humor, and I pesonally have } the largest bellybutton lint collection in my lodge (Loyal Order } of Oracles local 53272373 -e14), and darn proud of it! Tell you } what, I'll make you a deal. You keep your opinions to yourself } or I'll send out Rocco, the net.kneecap.god to show you what he } does with those kneecaps. } } You owe the Oracle your favorite pocket liner. --- 150-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Could'ja tell me about the Midnight Rambler... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, I could. } } You owe the Oracle two cigarettes and a postage stamp. } } } } Hah! Just kidding! You thought I was sitting here at my Oraclular } terminal, with that smarmy "cooler-than-thou" smirk on my face that } people get when they've just said something that they think is so } extraordinarily clever-clever that they expect you to simply pass } out, right there on the floor, from the shame and degradation of } being a mere mortal in the presence of someone so totally hip, when } in actuality you're facing a losing battle keeping yourself from } beating their ugly zit-covered faces into what you hope will be a } somewhat-less-annoying-looking pulp. You probably thought I was } going to continue by faking a "write" message from Stephen Kinzler } or God or somebody, telling me that I had to go back and fully answer } the question by describing the Midnight Rambler, whereupon I'd bitch } and piss and moan for a little while and then launch into something } even _less_ interesting, probably involving Lisa the net.sex.goddess } and/or a phone call to Hell. But no! Not me! I'm cooler than that! } I don't _do_ irritating cliches like that! I'm not one of those twits } that answer the question, "do you prefer creamy or chunky?" with "yes!" } Nor am I the kind of jerk that corrects the spelling on bathroom walls, } and I'm not one of those obnoxious geeks with halitosis that are so } fond of informing people that the nineties don't actually start until } 1991 so they don't know what all the fuss was about, as if that might } excuse them from their inability to get a date for the 1990 New Years } party. No sir! You should count yourself might lucky, if I do say so } myself, to be receiving an Oracular response from someone as groovy } as I am! Bye now! --- 150-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me oh Oracle whose presence spans the universe and beyond, whose > knowledge is infinate, How is it that photons are massless and > yet have an angular momentum and exert a pressure. > > -your humblest of servants- > -john- And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } John: } } We regret that the Oracle is in the shower (with Lisa) at the } present moment. However, we have a guest Oracle tonight. Straight from } that newsgroup of the intellegentsia - alt.sex.wanted - we have } BIFF@BIT.NET } } > HEY DOOD WHAZ THE KWESHUN? } > } > O YAH SOMETHIN ABOUT FUTONS AND MASS. HEY DOOD, MY BRO HAS A FUTON, } > AND IT"S MASSIVE. YEA LIKE WE ALL GO TO HIS PLACE AND SIT ON IT AND } > WATCH AEROSMITH ON MTV. AND GUNS N ROSES. YEA DOOD LIKE IT"S TOTALLY } > AWESOME. } > } > DOOD THERE"Z NO PRESSURE TO SIT ON IT. LIKE MY FRIEND JOE WANTS TO SIT } > EVERY TIM ON THE ROKING CHAIR. YEA. } > } > NEX TIME WE GO MY BRO SAID WE CAN HAVE BEER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU CAN GO } > TOO. } > } > SO DOOD HANG LOOSE AND ALL. YOUR SOX UNTIED! HAHA MAD YOU LOOK! } } You owe Biff a real life. --- 150-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wise of Oracles whos silicon chips I am not fit to lick, please > tell me why President Bush is afraid to put sanctions on the Soviet > Union after its blockade of Lithuania. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Here's the story from the beginning... } } Lithuania tells Gorbachev, "We want independence. The Americans got } their independence 214 years ago, and their quality of life has been } increasing in leaps and bounds ever since. Heck, Americans don't even } need three forms of I.D. to buy a Mario Bros. II cartridge." } } Gorbachev tells Lithuania, "We're not going to give you your } independence. See, we LIKE you. You're our FRIENDski. And to make } sure you REMAIN our friendski, we're going to place an economic embargo } on you. Have a nice life, Dudeski." } } Now comes the good part... } } Bush tells Quayle, "Dan-o, you're a good man and a good vice president. } Not many presidents ask their vice presidents for their opinions, but } I'm going to ask you for yours. Do you think I should put sanctions on } the Soviet Union after its blockade of Lithuania?" } } Quayle replies, "No, sir. I'd say that you should definitely } not...not...uh....Could you repeat the question?" } } "Do you think I should put sanctions on the Soviet Union after its } blockade of Lithuania?" } } "Oh, right. I'd say that you should definitely not put sanctions on the } Soviets. You see, when the Soviets placed the embargo on Lithuania, the } Lithuanians were so locked out of trade that they couldn't buy any food. } And the only thing that grows naturally in Lithuania is popsicles. So } the Lithuanian government had to impose food rations on the people." } } "So what's your point, Dan?" } } "Well, sir. If we put sanctions on the Soviets, they might embargo } *us*. And if it weren't for the Soviets, where would we sell our } surplus Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle comics?" } } "Gee, I don't know." } } "..and our surplus fluorescent yellow bluejeans?" } } "I'm not sure." } } "...and our extra BROCCOLI???" } } "That's it. It's final! Read my lips: No sanctions against the Soviet } Union for its blockade of Lithuania." } } "Very good, sir." } } } So there you have it. Now you know why the President refuses to put a } sanction on the Soviet Union. } } You owe the Oracle a bottle of borscht. --- 150-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, whose infinite wisdom spans the universe and encompasses the > entiretity of time and space, please tell me, an insignificant worm when > compared to you, > > Why do I like Unix so much? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O seeker, whose body parts are small, whose feet smell like pig breath, } and whose hair is always greasy and matted, } } You like Unix because, as a child, your father only responded to you } when you made mistakes and your mother laughed at everything you said or } did. Your sister tied your socks together and cut holes in your sheet. } } Now, as an adult, you derive great comfort from using Unix. } } You owe the Oracle a set of finger puppets and a donut.