From kinzler Wed Apr 4 22:00:35 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Wed, 4 Apr 90 21:46:27 -0500 From: Stephen Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #141 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 141 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #141 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 4 Apr 90 21:46:27 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 141-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Here's Cathy who's lived most everywhere, > From Istanbul to Bel Air, > And Patty's only seen the sights > A girl can see from Brooklyn Heights, > What a crazy pair! > But they're cousins, > Identical cousins and you'll find, > They look alike, they walk alike, > They sometimes even talk alike, > You will lose your mind, > When cousins are two of a kind! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Stop it! Just *STOP* it! Everyone makes fun of me, well you can just } stop it! } } *SNIFF* } } Nobody understands. } } It's tough being an all mighty oracle. Really it is. I just couldn't } take it. They were young, we were foolish, who was to know? } } Besides, when was the last time you had twins? --- 141-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What does the future of my BBS (bulletin board system) look like in > the 1990's? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hang on a sec... I'll have a look. Meanwhile, here's some light music... } } dum dee dum dee ACK! } } Fuckin-a wow man dig it! Here we go: } } Dec 1990 : Gets two telebit 9600+ Modems for $1400. } Feb 1991 : Gets a sun workstation and goes over to Unix. Total cost: } $46000 } Mar 1991 : Gets UUnet hook-up and starts carrying netnews. } Mar 1991 : Gets a 600 Megabyte laser drive to accomodate NetNews. } Apr 1991 : On the leading edge of technology, gets a 16 KByte modem } Jan 1992 : Gets a couple of more Suns to network. Starts charging for } hookup. } Apr 1992 : IRS Audit. Cancelled when IRS computer crashes "Mysteriously" } losing all records. America rejoices. You owe me for that } one, guy. } Jan 1995 : Gets a Cray-On-A-Desk, 3 35 Kbyte Modems. } Mar 1995 : Gets a 400 Gigabyte Hard disk. } Apr 1995 : Gets a hook-up to Bitnet because people want to chat on } relay. } Jan 1998 : Cray-On-A-Desk now obselete. Dumped for Super-Giga-Mega- } Japanese computer on a desk. 1024 Gigabytes Ram, 20000 } Gigabyte Hard drive. } Mar 1998 : All earlier modems dumped for 13 512 Megabyte Ram Transfer } modems from Telebit. } Dec 1999 : Declares bankruptcy. } } You owe the Oracle $6251231321, which is what you will pay for all this } hardware. --- 141-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please explain the classification scheme for 1st cousin, 2nd cousin, 1st > cousin once removed, etc. My 1st cousin's daughter and I are > considering marriage. What is your advice on the subject? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My advice to young people considering marriage: DON'T. } } The classification scheme is as follows: } } God } | } | } The Oracle <~~~~~ Bitnet Link ~~~~~> Pablo Picasso (deceased) } | | } | | } | Kernighan ---------------- Ritchie } | Holborn | } | Eve Viaduct | } -------*------------*------------*------------ William } | : Earl's | Shakespeare } | :(disused) Court | } ---------------- `A' ------------------------ } | | | | } Neanderthal Tyrannosaurus Napoleon William the } Man Rex Bonaparte Conqueror } | | | } | |------------------------------------------- Max } Sylvester Clare | | Bygraves } Stallone Short | | } 1st cousin once 2nd cousin } removed (used to be at `A' } but is now removed) --- 141-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and wise all-seeing and all-knowing fount of wisdom and truth, > known to some lesser sorts as the Oracle, simply because they would be > unable to comprehend the true greatness that is your self, I ask of thee > an answer to this most perplexing and troubling question. > > It seems that every time I submit a witty and potentially clever > question to the oracle, some dweeb comes back with a plain and dull > answer, and it never makes it into the Oracularities. Likewise, when I > receive a question which I must answer, it is inevitably a dull and > uninteresting question with absolutely no potential for humor or wit. I > have not yet had either question nor answer published, and I am tired of > my witty questions being ruined by amateurs, as am I tired of being > subjected to worn out and fruitless questions which give me no > opportunity to display my true capability as a hand of the Oracle. > > What can I do about this tragic situation? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh servant, whos ego is much too big for his miniscule talents, whos } questions are really the ramblings of a deranged, but dull mind, } I shall tell you the answer to your troubles, but first a word from } our sponsor: } } ************************************************* } * * } * This oracle answer has been * } * brought to you by... * } * * } * CATHOLISOL CLENSER * } * the miracle acne medicine * } * * } * Manufactured by The Catholic Church Inc. * } * (The Papal Pimple People) * } * * } ************************************************* } } And NOW back too... (fanfare) THE ORACLE. } } OK David, there are four steps which you must take to ensure that } you will get your answers posted. } } First: It is necessary that address the oracle in the } proper form, (as you have finally learned to do.) } } Secondly: About those unpaid parking bills... The } oracle has a cooperative deal with the local police } departments, to ensure that in the future you will } recieve clever witty answers you must 0100100101101 } 0100010001110110100100100100100 clerc at least } a hundred dollars per ticket and 001011010010001010 } 0101101. I'm sorry, my translating module seems to } be malfunctioning, I think some idiot bought the } cheap batteries on sale instead of Duracell. Damn. } 10001011011000010010 better fix that now, 010100011 } C'est vrai, Quell domage, 1000100111110010 } } OK, that's better, I think it was just a late April } fools joke. At any rate... } } Thirdly: Send twenty dollars to P.O. Box 64 along } with some naked picture of your girlfriend and her } number. } } And Forthly: Get a life, there's more to existance } than getting your questions printed, you should be } satisfied simply recieving my wonderful advice. } } You owe the oracle some more respect. --- 141-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Gosh almighty, who's been taking the Lord's name in vain now? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } How the Oracle should We know? --- 141-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What was\will be the most stupid thing done by Dan Quayle? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } When he invites George Bush around for dinner and serves broccoli } soup followed by baked broccoli with a broccoli salad and finally } sugared broccoli for desert. Mr Bush will choke on an after dinner } mint and Dan will be the Prez! --- 141-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > All right, Oracle, tell me some good ways to mess up the phone company. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } mmmmmm. Oh, yeah...that's it. Yes right there. Oh yes yes Yes YES } } What? Where? Oh, DAMN! No, I have to take it now - it says so in my } contract. OK, just hold that position and I'll try to make this as } quick as possible. } } ALL RIGHT, HOSEHEAD, so you want to mess with the phone company, eh? } Did it occur to you that this message is probably being brought to you } courtesy of the phone company? That the bits which make up this here } message were probably transmitted over phone-company leased data lines, } through phone-company switching equipment? } } Message from kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu on console at 23:39 ... } All right, oracle...just because this poor naive prankster happened to } catch you at an inoportune moment with Lis....hey, what have we here? } That's not Lisa! Say, Oracle, who's your friend? Aren't you going to } introduce me? Oh, by the way, does Lisa know about this? Y'know, it's } been a while since I talked to Lisa...I think I'll give her a call right } now and see how things are going. } -o } } } %write kinzler } Uh, heh heh, just take it easy there, Steve...uh, I mean Mr. Kinzler, } Sir. No need to uh, disturb Lisa at this hour. Besides, I was done } with the harassment. I *really* was going to answer the question right } away! OK? } -o } Well, since you put it that way, I suppose it is rather late, and Lisa } is probably busy right now anyhow...I wouldn't want to disturb her in } the middle of something - that's SOO annoying, you know? All right } then, go ahead. But I'm getting tired of having to intervene like this; } you'd better watch yourself. } -oo } ^D } } damn it, I hate it when he's smug. } } So, you want to mess up the phone company, eh? } } OK, one thing you might consider is sending them a dead gopher with your } bill. I hear Harlan Ellison once did tried something similar on an } unresponsive publisher (something about the publisher putting cigarette } ads in the middle of Ellison's book in violation of the contract, as I } recall) and the results were most gratifying. Send it fourth class, and } make sure the box is *very* well sealed. } } Of course, this will only serve to "mess up" the billing department. I } sense you are looking for something on a more global scale. } } This one's guaranteed to be effective. First, buy a radio station. Get } it way up in the ratings by playing all the great new music, but not too } often. The Oracle hates it when the radio stations play the same song } over and over and over. Then, announce a cash give-away - five hundred } dollars to the 98th caller (or whatever your frequency is - if you're at } 102.1, give away to the 102nd caller) Do this every day for a week. } Pick a different time for each call, but MAKE SURE it's during business } hours! } } The flood of incoming calls, at a sustained level will swamp the local } phone switching office...if your station coverage is large enough and } you are near a state border, you might even generate some inter-state } traffic. Tell the long-distance callers to call collect! That'll max } out the time spent on operator assistance. Remember that for every call } that actually makes it through, there will be dozens or even hundreds } trying and getting a busy-signal. } } Every time you run one of these give-away's, you will bring the local } switching office, as well as all the near-by offices, to their knees! } } } However, the Oracle's all-time favorite blitz on the phone company has } to be one back a few years ago when a Berkeley fellow was disconnected } for not paying his bill...only, he had the cancelled check that showed } he *had* paid his bill on time. After being run around in circles by } the local billing office, he was told "Certainly we will reconnect you. } Please pay a reconnect charge of $43.91." } } Furious at his mistreatment, but in desperate need of a phone at the } time, he paid the reconnect fee, then entered a suit against the phone } company in small claims court for the cost of the reconnection. The } phone company lawyers didn't take it seriously, and no one showed up on } behalf of the phone company, so a default judgement was entered in favor } of the plaintiff, and the Pacific Bell was ordered to pay damages of } $43.91. } } After trying repeatedly (but unsuccessfully) to collect, he posted a } lien against the main Pacific Bell office building, said building to be } sold at public auction, and the proceeds to go toward repayment of the } debt. } } Apparently, the Pacific Bell folks thought this was all a gag, and they } didn't do anything about the lien or the auction. In fact, our hero was } the only one present. He bought the building for $43.91, which } cancelled his debt and left him sole owner of the Pacific Bell office } building. } } Suddenly, Pacific Bell was only too eager to respond to this guy's } complaint. Sad thing is, he let them off for only the cost of the } original reconnect fee. } } --- } } You owe the Oracle a WATS line. Now get lost, I have other things to } do! --- 141-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why was iuvax down for so long? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's kind of a long story. First, you see, there was Genghis Khan and } the Mongol horde. You may recall from Medieval History that they } trashed a substantial part of the world. They were trashing Europe, but } Genghis died and so the hordes had to go back to a _kurultai_, a } gathering of all the Mongols, so that they could decide on his successor } (Ogodai won). You didn't want to miss the _kurultai_, if you were a } Mongol, because it made a big difference if you got to be the ruler of } all Mongols, and by extension of the whole earth -- and if you weren't } there, the other Mongols would probably decide that you weren't loyal, } and include you in the general trashment. } } Well, a small band under the command of Omaigodai Khan (Ogodai Khan's } nephew-in-training) set off for the New World. They weren't too worried } about the fact that the New World hadn't been discovered yet; they knew } how slow Omaigodai Khan was. As expected, they managed to trash Europe } in a straight line about ten yards wide from Anatolia to the Straits of } Gibraltar. (They were opposed largely by well-trained and merciless } schools of fish, as their route lay mostly under the Mediterranian.) } } So, eventually (Jan. 7, 1871) they got to the Atlantic Ocean. They } sacked and burned their way up the seacoast, trying to get passage to } the New World. After several unsuccessful attempts to sail across the } Atlantic in a sacked and burned boat, they changed their tactics. They } commandeered the _Mary, Queen of Spots_ for their passage. They } repeatedly encountered adverse weather conditions, mutinies, pirates, } poor navigation, and the coastline of Japan, and so their passage took } longer than the few weeks common at that time. } } On Dec. 2, 1989, the _Mary, Queen of Spots_ dropped anchor in San } Fransisco Bay. Omaigodai's horde chartered a bus to drive them to the } Midwest. They encountered a variety of problems, such as flat tires, } motorcycle gangs, running out of gas, inability to load _yurts_ } (Mongol-style felt huts) into the cargo bay, contaminated yogurt, the } sizzling sex shops of Kansas City, and so forth. } } Well, they overcame all these obstacles with usual Mongol determination } (which is impressive) and tactics (which are destructive), and they } arrived in IU last Monday, at approximately six a.m. By noontime they } had looted a substantial fraction of the pigs in the Ag school, and } liberated a map. From this map, they discerned the location of the } greatest treasure at IU, which is of course the computer center, three } blocks from the Ag school. By five p.m., they had arrived here. They } cut the power lines, rendering me unconscious. Our brave technical } support staff (especially Elizabeth, who is a real fiend with a sabre) } held them off for most of a day. } } Finally, the situation was desparate. Elizabeth had been cornered by } fourteen of the Mongols, and was barely alive. They had robbed a campus } cop, and gotten keys for all the doors in the building. Bob and Elaine } found a tin of sardines and a long rope, and they rigged up a } cat-catcher. Michelle had an amber rod, and they quickly threw put } together a scheme whereby they would rub the rod on the cats, thereby } generating enough electricity to start me up for a few seconds. } } So I told them about the _kurultai_, and they immediately turned around } and set off for home. } } There's going to be a real surprise in Mongolia in about eight hundred } years. You owe the Oracle videotapes. --- 141-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Wonderful Wise Worthy Wizard of Wit and Worldliness Sir Oracle....I > heard a nasty, nasty, nasty rumour the other day. There's this person > here and she says that she is the "Supreme Commmander of Vax Forces" and > that you, yes, you the one and only Oracle and my favourite hero (except > for Bugs Bunny) is her......MUMMY. > > Is this true? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Congratulations! I, the awesome Oracle, have been writing an AI program } designed to parse, translate, and answer all questions sent to me so I } can have more time with Lisa. (Hey, theoretically, such a program will } be impossible for another 150 years, but Lisa's worth the hassle!) I've } tried it on a few other questions and have discovered bugs, but now I am } fairly confident it will work. So here we go. } } !answer -debug question } 6th level alliteration detected } 3rd level praise detected } Supreme Commander of Vax Forces: Researching... not found. } Interpolation: Supreme Commander of Vax Forces invented. } Favourite: British spelling } Bugs Bunny: Researching... found. } Mummy: Researching... found. } Question: Is this true? } } Error: Oracle is not a mummy } Phonetic twist: mummy -> money } Error: Oracle is not money } Phonetic twist: mummy -> mommy } Error: Oracle is not a mommy } Synonym: mommy -> creator } Parsed question: Did Oracle create Supreme Commander of Vax Forces? } } TEXT OF ANSWER: } 'Ello, squire! Haven't seen you for a bit... right, well the Oracle } DID create the Supreme Commander of Vax Forces, I invented the } concept a few seconds ago, in fact. Righty-right. } } You owe the Oracle a symbolic debugger. } END OF ANSWER } } ...Hmmm, not too bad for a test run. It got a bit confused when it } had to invent the concept of Supreme Commander, and then } subsequently asked whether or not the Oracle had created it. But it } got the payment line right. And the British spelling was a bit } overdone, but can't hurt, right? } } Since you so patiently helped me debug my Auto-Oracle, I'll give you } a bonus: the answer to someone else's question! } } The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > Do women really care about a man's length? } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } Only if you care about their depth. } } } } You owe the Oracle a sonar-generating condom. } } Thanks for helping me out, and expect more answers from the new, } almost working Auto-Oracle! --- 141-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, the depths of whose recursion stack is unfathomable to mere > mortals, > > In the Usenet Oracularities #140, you write: > > > The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. > > Your question was: > > > > > Why does everybody love the `vi' editor? To me, it seems usable only > > > for advanced masochists. > > > > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: > > > > } Use of the vi editor is one of those things that separates the > > } levels of users. A lower-level user will make a comment such as the > > } one that you made. Adepts, Wizards, Gurus and Gods will all laugh > > } at such a comment. > > I am a Unix Guru: I debug programs from octal dumps. > I eat VMS hackers for lunch. > I know the entire Ada manual by rote, never use Ada anyway since I write > all my programs in machine language and never use assemblers since I > type in the binaries directly using cat. > I can make a PC/XT under Xenix outperform a VAX 11/780 under VMS. > I spend all my waking and sleeping hours in front of a terminal. > I write device drivers in my sleep. > The DEC salespeople worship me as a minor deity and sacrifice young, > buxom secretaries to me at full moon. > > I know every conceivable aspect, feature, unfeature and misfeature of > vi. I can use it, abuse it and misuse it every conceivable and > inconcievable way. > > Yet, I still hate its guts, and consider it usable only for advanced > masochists. > > Why? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The guru that claims to be a guru is not a true guru. } A true guru is beyond opinions. } The nature of all things are hers.