From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Fri Feb 23 16:50:39 1990 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (Stephen Kinzler) Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #129 Message-ID: <36882@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 23 Feb 90 21:50:39 GMT Reply-To: oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Organization: Indiana University, Bloomington Keywords: offensive === 129 === offensive ==================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #129 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 23 Feb 90 21:50:39 GMT To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 129-01 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do we have Valentine's day? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A very good question. You see, thousands of years ago, there lived a } little friar in a peaceful hermitage high on a mountaintop. This holy } man loved to work in his garden, feed the wild birds, play the lyre to } listen to the echo off of the mountain, meditate about holy things, and } go out at midnight wearing a hockey mask to rip out villager's hearts } and drink their blood. His true name was never known, but all the } people in the surrounding countryside called him the Valn-ite, which } means "mean horrible nasty person." The villagers were otherwise } peaceful, trouble-free people. A day came, however, when a fearsome } band of barbarians entered the region, and all the men in the villages } went out to fight them. The little friar, seeing his chance, took the } opportunity to enter each village in turn, slaying all the women and } children, and leaving their disembodied hearts behind in heaps. When } the barbarians came to the villages (having decimated the opposition) } this is what they found. In their glee at discovering a creature even } more bloodthirsty and evil than themselves, they set the day apart as a } holiday, at which time each year they would tempt the friar down from } his mountain with human offerings, and dance about a fire all night } while the friar feasted. The discarded hearts would then be fixed over } the thresholds of their dwellings with arrows as a symbol of good } fortune in battle. That this terrible, loathsome rite would pass down } through the ages eventually to become a day representing romance, is a } prime example of the sheer pervosity of Mankind. } } You owe the Oracle a box of candy shaped like a hockey mask. --- 129-02 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > Why do women insist that men leave the toilet seat down??? All the > women I have spoken to say it is because sometimes when they go to the > bathroom at night they don't look and they "fall in." Why should they > get mad at us when they are too unconcerned to check?!? When men go to > the bathroom (even at night) they have to check that the seat is up, or > they get it all wet. If men can check, why can't women? What is their > excuse for not being aware of the position of the seat, when men have to > be aware either way, at any time? I sure would appreciate some insight > to this problem which has probably plagued man (and men) since the day > Mr. Toilet invented the Toilet Bowl. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Envy. Pure and simple. } } You are a man. You know the simple joy that pissing your name in the } snow can bring. Ever see a woman try this? Pitiful. Sure, Barbara the } net.supple.goddess might make a go of it, but for your average Sheila? } No way Hose, eh? } } You've heard that old saying "shake it more than twice and you're } playing with it". Well, they don't even get to shake it ONCE and we all } know how much fun playing with it is. } } So next time you use your forward cannon to sink that cigarette butt } battleship, reflect a moment for the unfortunate half of the species who } will never have the simple pleasures you take for granted. --- 129-03 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I'm sick. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, you must admit that it's your own fault. } } Let's just review a record of your ingestion over the last three days: } 1. Three cases of Everclear. } 2. Enough toll-house cookies to build a witches house. } 3. Various other junk-food items in gargantuan quantities. } } And what activities have you been engaged in? } 1. Wild, violent sex with partners of various race, age, and gender. } 2. Swimming through rivers at 35 degrees F. Rivers that have been } polluted beyond hope of recovery. } 3. Walking on, crawling over, and tunneling through heaps of fiery } coals. The Everclear kept you from feeling the pain until the } nerve endings were destroyed. } } While I realize it came as a total shock and cost your dearest friend, } the death of your hamster should not have put you THIS far over the } edge. } } You owe The Oracle a six-pack of sanity. --- 129-04 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why did God invent relativity? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, it all started on March 12, 1867. Me and Lucifer and God and } Death and a couple of other guys got really hammered, see, and we were } shooting dice together, and Luci was really cleaning up. (I still think } the dice were fixed, but I don't know for sure.) Anyway, God got low on } cash, and Luci got this idea that he'd stake him, but if God lost, he'd } have to let Luci rewrite some laws of physics. Naturally, God didn't } like the idea, but Luci suggested that me and Thanatos could help, and } eventually agreed to the idea (did I mention we were all extremely } plastered?). Anyway, God lost, and me and Luci and Mr. D went into the } next room and stayed up all night deciding what we should do to the } universe (and drinking beer and lauging and barfing from time to time). } } The next day, after the three of us had managed to uncross our eyes, we } got out the notes we'd scribbled the night before, scraped most of the } puke off, and tried to puzzle out our handwriting. It was pretty } incoherent (and some of it, especially the "rubber sheet theory", was } kind of perverted) but a deal's a deal, and God made it all officially } natural law. } } He learned his lesson though. To this day, he never plays dice with the } universe. Monopoly sometimes; never dice. } } You owe the Oracle a good hangover cure. --- 129-05 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Okay Okay, so I'm at the Save-Mart gettin a pack of smokes when in she > walks. A major piece of Babe-o-Rama. So I'm lookin, and she's buyin > some OJ. So I walks up to this Skirt-o-Lishus and says, "Pardon me > Miss, but is that fresh squeezed?" And she's givin me the once over, and > BANGO right outa the blue she says, "Why don't you come over to my place > and I'll give ya some Fresh Squeezed". > > Hey, What I'm Tellin Ya! So I'm thinkin and she's lookin and I'm > winkin and she's wigglin and next thing I know we're at her place and > then, By-Da-Bing By-Da-Boom she's givin my Weasel the wicked double > dose. So, I'm saying to this premoistened bit of skrunt, "Hey Yo, not > fa nuttin, but how bout I hose ya with my One Eyed Roommate ?" > > So we're Stuffin the Bunny when all of the sudden she wants me to put > on this black silk cape and pointy hat. Your sayin "No Way", but I'm a > liberal dude, so I'm thinkin "Way". So I'm Boppin and Bumpin when > BOINGO she stops me again. Now she wants me to yell in her ear, "I'll > get you my pretty" and stuff like "And your little dog too". So I'm > thinkin, Is this broad weird or what? But Like I got nuttin else better > to do with my afternoon that Boink some Haus Frau with a major kink. > I'm telling ya, if she didn't have major league Wallys, I mean, out to > friggin hear ! Forget About It ! > > So pretty soon she starts going crazy, Hey, what'd I TELL YA, and she's > kickin and buckin. All of the sudden she jumps up and pours a bucket of > ice water over her head and starts yellin "I'm Melting, I'm Melting" and > she won't let me near her unless I keep sayin "There's no place like > home, There's no place like home". Sheesh, Ya know what I'm screamin ? > > Hey Yo, Oracle, you finished with that beer or you nursin it? Ha Ha. > Tell me this, pal, what do women want? I mean straight up, no bull. > > Rocko Marzetti > Bono's Bar n Grill > Brooklyn, NY And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Supreme, all-powerful, most righteous and badass Oracle is very glad } you have asked this question. } } The Oracle has done a great deal of enjoyable and much-deserved } research on this matter, and come to this conclusion: } } Men never understand women because they ask the wrong questions. } } All right, bud; let's cut out the bull**** and get to the } problem. You want to understand women? I got just the recipe. } Your problem is that you're thinking in just one group; women. } I know, I know; you're at the mercy of your gonads, and can't help but } think that way. The truth is, there are four kinds of women; quiet, } loud, in-between, and strange. Here are the things they want: } } Quiet women: Quiet women want a nice, likeable, interesting, } sensitive, intelligent man with whom they can share a life, have a few } kids, line the walls with cute stuffed animals, and get some security in } an impossible world. } Loud women: Loud women want a sex god. They want a } hard-rockin', body-thumpin', go-for-broke sex god that'll keep 'em } fulfilled, permanently. } Strange women: Strange women want off this planet, like now. } They want to go somewhere the the grass grows purple, the sky is under } the floor, and men dress up in funny costumes. And they don't care what } they have to do to get it. } In-between women: In-between women don't make sense; even to } themselves. They want everything the other women want, and they don't } care that it's impossible to have all of it. They want it all, and } they're going to make everyone miserable until they DO get it all. } } There are two problems; first, none of them can possibly get } what they want; There are no more likeable interesting, sensitive, } intelligent men who are still nice, the sex gods are all stoned out of } their minds, and attending Betty Ford clinics across the nation, and the } only way to get even close to off-planet is to use "controlled } substances", and buddy, if I even THINK of recommending that, I'd get } attacked by that awesome nemesis, majority@moral.hypocrisy. } The second problem is this; it's impossible to tell between the } different types of women, since they have been taking fashion tips from } each other, and now you'll find any of them dressing like ANYTHING. So, } brother, it looks like you're out of luck. But at least now you } understand them. } } You owe the Oracle a used condom and a package of } hormone control pills. --- 129-06 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Could you please tell me a Lisp joke? > > Thanks, Lisper. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Thure, I'd be happy to: } } Thethe two guyth are on the top of the Empire Thtate Building. One of } them turnth to the other and thayth you know, if you jump from jutht } thith thpot thereth an air current which will float you right around the } building and drop you right back in the thame plathe. The other guy } thayth "No way!" The firtht guy thayth it'th true. Watch. Tho he goeth } to the ledge and jumpth! He floatth around and landth right back where } he tharted. The other guy thayth "I gotta try thith" and he jumpth, and } fallth like a rock and goeth THPLATT. The firtht guy taketh a thwig out } of a bottle and Loith Lane walkth up to him and thayth, you know } Thuperman, you're a bathtard when you're drunk. --- 129-07 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Am I dead yet? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, you are, which raises the curious question of how you were able } to send me this message... } } Heh heh heh, I'm gonna love this! } } %talk lucifer@mwahhaha.brimstone.com } } %Hello! Eternally Burning Pit, Inc.! What the fuck do you want? } } You're incorporated now? } } %What the fuck is this, a quiz show? What do you -- wait a minute, I } %know you! You're that goddamn Oracle! Why the hell won't you leave us } %alone?! } } I'd like- } } %No, don't tell me, let me guess! You want to talk to the boss, right?! } %LIKE EVERY OTHER FUCKING TIME YOU CALL??!! } } Well, yes, if you wouldn't mind- } } %Oh, noooooooo! No fucking trouble at all! I'll just page His Infernal } %Majesty right now and tear him away from his important business so } %you can bother him with your pissy little problems, which will most } %likely infuriate him so much that he'll take the nearest imp, which } %will of course be me, and shove 25 pounds of red-hot cinders up my } %ass! } } Yes, if you could hurry it up-- } } %Have you ever tried to pass a cinder? Do you have any idea what that } %feels like? Huh? ANY FUCKING IDEA?? } } LOOK ASSHOLE, JUST CONNECT ME, ALRIGHT?! } } %Well, you don't need to shout. } %...... } %WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT THIS TIME?! } } Ah, Lucifer! I just thought you'd like to know that one of the damned } souls in your pit seems to have gotten loose and gained access to your } system! } } %WHAT??!!!! WHO IS IT??!!! WHO IS THE LOUSY MOTHER- } } Oh, come now, Lucy-boy, you know the answer's not going to be free! } } %What? WHAT!!!!! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHH! RASSEN-FRASSEN-DINGLE-DONGLE- } %BITCH-BLASTEN-POOP-PUCKEN--WHERE'S THAT IMP? WHERE'S THAT FUCKING } %IMP? [No, sir, no PLEASE! UGH! ARGH!] pant...pant...name your price. } } Well, I want all the Sports Illustrated swimsuit models to come over } to my place and act out all the fantasies I've had about them. } } %Okay. You got it. Who is the bastard? } } I also want Donald Trump to withdraw all of his money from his bank } accounts on a whim, and then trip and lose it all down a sewer grate. } } %grr...OKAY! FINE! Now tell me who he is!! } } I also want a bigger system. This VAX is getting cramped. I'd like } something roomier like say, a CRAY. } } %ooorgh! ALRIGHT!! ALRIGHT ALREADY!! JUST TELL ME WHO THE FUCK IT } %IS!!! } } His name is--oops, almost forgot. I also want a copy of the new B-52's } album. } } %AAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGHH! IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE! } } Nope. } } %You sure? } } Absolutely. } } %Then tell me who that load of worm droppings is! } } Except for the fact that the B-52's album has gotta be a CD. } } %NNNNNYYYYYYYYUUURRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHH! BRICKLE-BRACKLE-DING-DONG!! IMP! } %IMP!!! [No! Ouch! Yargh!] pant...puff Oracle, tell me who it } %is...NOW!!!! } } Okay. It's a particularly devious one by the name of . Got it? } } %Yes. Now go away. } } Sure thing. I'll most likely call again tomorrow! } } %OOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHH! AH HATES THAT ORACLE!! } %connection terminated } } You the Oracle nothing. You're going to be paying plenty as it is. --- 129-08 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What does George Bush like to do in bed? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [call 1-800-WHITEHSE] } } (Operator): Hello, secret White House line. How may I help you? } } (Oracle): Collect me to the President's nighttime staff room, please. } } (Operator): One moment, please... } } (NSO): Hello, Nighttime Staff Officer Anita here. Is it time } yet? } } (Oracle): I'm afraid not. This is the Usenet Oracle, and I'd like to } ask you some questions. } } (NSO): What's a use net or a kull? Which one are you? A net or a } kull? Are you from the press? I can't talk to the press. Georgie } would kill me. Is this some kind of joke? } } (Oracle): I'm not required to answer more than one question at a time, } you stupid slut. I'm an Oracle, I'm not the press, and this is a } very long and turgid kind of joke. Now answer my questions. } } (NSO): I don't understand, but if you're not the press I guess it's OK. } } (Oracle): The basic question is "what does George Bush like to do in } bed?" } } (NSO): Well, I'm not completely sure of *everything* he likes to do in } bed, because sometimes we're just told to bring in Flossie or Sandra } or one of the other Livestock Nighttime Staff Officers. Flossie is } quite sweet about it, really, and the other sheep ... Lizette, I } think she's called ... is also pretty nice, but the pigs can get } pretty rowdy, especially the male ones. And I truly don't want to } think about what happens to the Small Rodent Nighttime Staff } Officers. We don't give them names, you see, because they don't } usually come back alive, and when they do they're awfully smelly and } we need to cut all their fur off and shave them and then we couldn't } remember their names from before because they look so different. } } (Oracle): Well, I don't need to know everything. What are some of his } typical nocturnal activities involving humans? } } (NSO): Well, he usually calls up Fred and Flouncette and Wanda when he } really wants to have some fun, and they almost never come back that } night. Generally they have to be in the hospital for two or three } days, afterwards. And they usually don't talk much about it. I did } notice that Wanda's whips are getting kind of worn out, though. } } (Oracle): Well, Ms. Anita, what are *your* nighttime duties? } } (NSO): That's *Miss* Anita, if you please. I'm not some kind of } radical feminist witch dyke! You must be some kind of communist } Democrat, trying to get political dirt on poor Georgie! He's } allowed some simple material comforts, don't you think? I don't } need to give you details, you filthy-minded scummy liberal! Go } screw a whale! } } I hope that clears things up somewhat for you. --- 129-09 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What will my future wife look like? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } She'll be dark-haired with red highlights, with brown eyes and pale skin } and supple breasts and long, firm, long, firm legs and } she'll...she'll move like a goddess, slinking and insinuating her } heavenly body about you, against you, her fiery breath hot on your } chest, her hands stroking, caressing, as she takes you, every aspect of } her womanhood is oh, hot hot, creating you destroying you melting, } fingernails on your back her tounge gently flicks across you take her } your pounding throbbing thrusting OH oh OH yes yes YEYESYESYSY!!! } } You owe the Oracle a cigarette. --- 129-10 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Help me please, Oracle. Why do all the fast food places in the > commercials have really cute girls working in them but every one that > I've visited has the retirement home overflow and the Official Ugly Club > (tm) membership for employees? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Really cute girls become hookers or fashion models or actresses (some of } whom star in burger commercials as employees, wearing specially-designed } makeup ["appliances" such as pert little false noses and chins, falsies, } etc.] to make them look even cuter) if they're not particularly bright. } Otherwise their cuteness helps them get into better colleges, and } ultimately better positions (in several senses of the word) in places } where normal people work. } } Why do they use the pretty little actresses (with further artificial } sweetening) in the ads? It's the old trick of selling with sex. Men, } the advertisers hope, will come to associate the burger joints with the } pleasure of the presence of cute girls; women, with the pleasures of } being cute. } } Mc Donald's once tried having all of the employees at several of its } franchises wear custom-made rubber masks to give them cute-girl faces at } least. Sales boomed, but the employees complained that it was already } hot in their polyester uniforms and the masks made things unbearable. } Also they had to fend off amorous customers. The experiment ended after } one homely girl stood too close to the deep-frier and her mask melted -- } customers fled from her smiling, dripping face in terror.