From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Mon Feb 12 18:12:20 1990 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (Stephen Kinzler) Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #114 Message-ID: <35609@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 12 Feb 90 23:12:20 GMT Reply-To: oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Organization: Indiana University, Bloomington === 114 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #114 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 12 Feb 90 23:12:20 GMT To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 114-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I AM NEW TO COUNTRY. I GO TO DISCO. I DANCE. SOMEONE SHOUTS GET DOWN. > I GET DOWN ON FLOOR. PEOPLE STEP ON ME. WHY. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's part of a new welcoming/initiation-to-our-culture tradition. Other } ones you might want to try are: } } - Pin-the-tail-on-the-moving-train. } - The flaming Statue of liberty. (get a glass filled with any flam- } mable liquid. Set it on fire and hold it upraised over your head. } Douse yourself in gasoline and wait for the fumes to catch.) } - Go to any sports game in New York City and stand outside the } stadium with a big sign saying THE (insert name of home team } here) SUCK!!!! } } There are tons of these. For a complete list, sell everything you own } and send the money to me at: } } ORACLE } Oracle Drive, } Oracle, OC 00000 } } You're welcome. --- 114-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Blug? > -Blug- > -Blug-Blug- > o > o > o > > ><{ `> And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Gone face-down in the wading pool again, eh? Either grow gills or get } up, buddy. I haven't time for this semi-aquatic nonsense. } } You owe the Oracle a snorkel and a can of chlorine tablets. --- 114-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dearest Oracle, > > I always keep a pad and pen by my bed so if I ever think of a > question for you while lying there, I can write it down and I won't > forget it. Do you approve of this or is it kinda pathetic? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No it's quite good. A lot of questions come up in bed. Here's the top } ten: } } 10) What's a good cure for the common cold? } 9) What's the difference between socialism and communism? } 8) Why do I have to go to work so early in the morning? } 7) How did my ex-wife get the sheets so soft and why can't I do the } same? } 6) David Letterman isn't funny, is he? } 5) Where does Arsenio Hall shop for clothes? } 4) What color is the ceiling? } 3) Is George Bush a wimp? } 2) How did he/she learn these things? } 1) Are you in yet? } } You owe the oracle an answer to each question. --- 114-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is wrong with the letter "k" on this keyboard. It doesn't work at > all. Whenever I press it, nothing happens. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm... Do you have the environment variable ACTIONKEYS on? If it's not } on, then when you press the letter "k", nothing will happen, but if it's } on, you'll give birth every time you press the k key. } } You owe the Oracle your firstborn. --- 114-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Give me all the information on Lisa, our net.sex.goddess, and send me an > ASCII picture of her in the reply, too. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'll try, but it won't be easy. Not with the way that the Pentagon } is watching the Internet these days. } } Any way, here goes. } } Lisa was born in CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED. She CENSORED her CENSORED } and CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED. In CENSORED CENSORED } she CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED } CENSORED. } } By the time CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED. } Later that year CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED and CENSORED } CENSORED CENSORED. CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED in CENSORED CENSORED } upside-down CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED. She CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED } CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED. } } So you can see she has had an interesting life to date. } } To contact Lisa , just CLASSIFIED RESTRICTED CLASSIFIED, or you can } CLASSIFIED CLASSIFIED CLASSIFIED RESTRICTED CLASSIFIED. } } Finally, here is the ASCII picture: } } ****** } * * } ##### ####### # # ##### ####### ###### ####### ###### } # # # ## # # # # # # # # # # } # # # # # # # # # # # # # } # ##### # # # ##### # # ###### ##### # # } # # # # # # # # # # # # # } # # # # ## # # # # # # # # # } ##### ####### # # ##### ####### # # ####### ###### } *** *** --- 114-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Bloop me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What you have sent me is not, of course, a question. Instead it is a } coded form of Manuel Noriega's Swiss bank-account number. } } The Oracle is now fabulously wealthy. } } You owe the Oracle nothing, nothing at all. } } Have a nice day. --- 114-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The geek sitting next to me is staring at his computer screen and > laughing uncontrolably. He just sits there and laughs and I'm trying to > do socially meaningful things, and look, there now he's choking, and > he's stumbling around looking for help. What should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Unfortunately, there's not a lot you can do. He was reading the FBI } transcript of your sex life. That would make anyone die of laughter. } } You owe the Oracle a used condom. See you in 20 years. --- 114-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Does Neil get crosslegged? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hm, interesting question. As Armstrong was climbing off the Eagle back } in '69, we heard him say, "A small step for -static- man, a giant step } for mankind." } } My personal *Oracular* impression of what happened, has always been: } Armstrong, climbing down stairs backwards, "A small step for Ow, f*** man, a giant step for Mankind." And NASA edited it for } the public broadcast. } } However, we can ask Armstong himself and find out what actually } happened. } } : } } :Hello? } } :Is Neil Armstrong there please? } } :(heard in the distance) Honey, its for you. } :Hello, may I help you? } } :Yes, it's the Usenet Oracle here. I was wondering, what did you } :really say on the moon? } } :(real agitated) You'll never ow, f*** man, my old knee } :injury, know. And I'll never tell. } } :Well, thanks for your time Mr Armstrong, I hope your leg gets better. } } :Goodbye. } } } Well, it is my Oracular opinion that Neil will develop crossleggedness, } knock knees, and other symptoms of an early knee injury, later in life. } } You owe the Oracle a new childhood hero. --- 114-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle the Great, > What is wrong with this program??????????? > > program appointment(input,indata,output); > > [very long Pascal program omitted for posting -- SK] > > end. > > Thanks, Oracle, I know you can find the answer. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, you have come to the right place! The oracle is an expert } programmer. } } Give me a minute.... } } [SOUND OF NUMEROUS ULTRA-RAPID KEYSTROKES...] } } There. Through various error-detection, editing, and debugging } techniques, I have created a working version of your program. A few } commands were altered slightly, but the discrepancies should be almost } unnoticable. } } Here it is: } } program appointment(input,indata,output); } begin } writeln('You owe the Oracle $1.00'); } while(TRUE) do } begin } writeln('You owe the Oracle another $1.00') } end; } end. --- 114-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Big-O, > > There are four of us living in my house. Our names are Jeff, > Kristin, Simon and Tim. What would be a good answering machine message > for us. The ones we come up with are rather lame. > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Jeff, The message you should leave runs as follows: } } Sound F/X: Loud music in the background. } You: Hello? (Shouted) HELLO? (Pause) I can't hear you. (Pause) } Wait a minute, I'll just go and turn the music down. } Sound F/X: Walk away from the machine (wooden floor), turn music down. } Come back, Pick up phone. } You: Hello? (Pause, Imagine someone saying 'Hi, it's so-and-so') } Oh Hi, how are you. (Pause) Look, I'm sorry, but Kristin's } in the Bath, Simon and Tim are out, and I'm just a recording } So why don't you leave your message after the tone...