From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Mon Feb 12 16:10:49 1990 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (Stephen Kinzler) Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #113 Message-ID: <35600@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 12 Feb 90 21:10:49 GMT Reply-To: oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Organization: Indiana University, Bloomington Keywords: offensive === 113 === offensive ==================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #113 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 12 Feb 90 21:10:49 GMT To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 113-01 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why am I talking to the L.A. Times? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, Mr. Buckey, as I understand it, you were recently acquitted of } what was it, fifty-two child molestation counts in the McMartin } pre-school case, an event that drew quite a media crowd, in particular, } the L.A. Times. Since you seem to think the Times greatly slanted the } coverage in favor of the prosecution, I suspect you're talking to them } to see if you can obtain a tidy private settlement just in case they } want to avoid defending a slander suit. } } Ray, the prosecution may have botched the case. The tapes of the kids } might have been questionable. The jury might have acquitted you, but } you and I know better, don't we Ray? } } You owe the Oracle...no, the Oracle owes you a date with Bubba "let me } boogie in your butt" Washington. --- 113-02 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do I like Skittles(R) so much? It's beginning to become an > obsession! I must be eating at least a kilo a day. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [Sung in a manic chattering voice.] } } Skittles are so nice and good, } They don't taste like they're made of wood, } We all love Skittles every day, } They're much more fun to eat than hay. } We snarf down Skittles by the box -- } It's better for us than eating rocks! } Skittles skittles are so great! } Twice as good as shale or slate! } Skittles are the food for me! } So much nicer than drinking pee! } Skittles skittles, give me more! } They're better than being sent to war! } Skittles are more fun than sex } With Tammy Faye and other wrecks! } Skittles skittles make me laugh } Much more than being cut in half! } Skittles skittles make me smile } Much wider than sucking bathroom tile! } Skittles skittles make me grin, } They don't taste like they're made of tin! } So eat up all your Skittles now, } And just lean back and say "OH WOW!" --- 113-03 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who is the world's largest generator of low-level nuke waste? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Tiffany's Whore House in Waco Texas (their motto is 'You'll glow for } two reasons when you cum out'). } } You owe the Oracle a lead-lined condom. --- 113-04 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who is the best teenager? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle, let it be known, HATES ill-defined questions. For, on an } ill-defined question, the Oracle must Decide How To Answer, rather than } merely Lying. } } Since the Questioner, in its utter filth, failed to properly define the } word "BEST", the Oracle will use its own omniscent definition, AS } FOLLOWS: } } 1) He/She/It must not have any religion. Religion fucks up people's } minds, and they start going to church. Then they start doing things } like masturbating to orgasm while reminding themselves they are not } supposed to like it. } } 2) It must not be a Republican. Republicans make Campaign Contributions } to Dan Quayle, wear Rolex watches, and eat artifically colored ice } cream. } } 3) It must not be a Democrat. Democrats vote for whoever has the most } trees on TV, drink gin till they throw up, and eat artificially flavored } beef. } } Note that through the above qualifications, the Oracle has neatly } eliminated 95% of American Youth. Other countries do not count. } America is the only country that has Teenagers. In case the Questioner } did not notice, the Oracle is proceeding by a process of Elimination, } which continues: } } 4) It must score at least a 0173 on the Hacker Test. Non-Hackers are } all scared that they might press the wrong keys on the keyboard. } } The above whacks off 99.999% of the remainder, leaving a pool of only } 200 teenagers left. } } 5) It must either 1) Use no drugs at all, or 2) Use drugs daily in high } doses. Wimps need not apply. } } Only 3 people in the United States between ages 13 and 19 now are left. } Joe and Burt are jerks, so the grand winner of the Oracle's Best } Teenager In The World Contest is: } } XXXXXXXXXX X. XXXXXXXXX } } Did the Questioner actually think the Oracle would _reveal_ the name of } the Oracle-In-Training? After all that effort? Never! Never! } Hahahahahaha! } } Better Luck Next Time. --- 113-05 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is Jason Prondack a psychopath? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Jason hates his fellow human beings. } He likes to see blood and guts spill out all over. } Then he likes to go out for a beer. } In other words, he's a perfectly normal American. } } You owe the Oracle three of your fingers. --- 113-06 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My heart > it shivers > My liver > it quivers > My stomach > it lurches > My nose > it runs > in churches. > > Wise Oracle, suppose I made two little plugs > out of tofu for my nostrils? Then not only would > the flow stop, but I'd have protein-rich snack > afterwards! Should I pursue this idea? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Use twinkies instead. They're more absorbent. --- 113-07 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is it possible for a human to have oral sex with a swan? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Wait, I'll check. } } [ Listening, you hear nothing. Then } } } #### #### # # ## # # # # } # # # # # # # # # # # } #### # # # # # # # # #### } # # # # # # ###### # ## # # # } # # # # # # # # ## ## # # } #### ### # #### # # # # # # } } SQUARK, SQU-GLBGLBGBLBGLBGLBGLBGLB. AAAAAHHHH! ] } } I'm back. } } The answer is yes, but that doesn't necessarily make it a good idea. } } You owe the Oracle a new swan. --- 113-08 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, I know Lisa is our net.sex.goddess, but are there any other > net.???????????.gods/goddesses, and who are their names? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let's see: } } Lisa net.sex.goddess } Barbara net.suppleness.goddess } } These are known to everyone. But there are some lesser known } gods/godesses. Here is a list of a few of them: } } Dave net.sex.god (has a totally platonic relationship with } Lisa) } Henry net.homosexual.god } Luigi net.pizza.god } Sophia net.pasta.goddess } Alicia net.coffee.goddess } Gene net.net.god } Robert net.driving.god } Mark net.paranoia.goddess } Jill net.design.goddess } Rachel net.laughter.goddess } Bill net.laughter.god } Steve net.oracle.god } } Finally, } } God net.overall.god } } One more note: to find out any more about net.*.god{esse}s, you can't } ask a net.*.god{ess}. They simply don't know, as possesion of such } knowledge is deemed to be an evil thing. You have to ask: } } rwhod net.who.daemon } } You owe the oracle some more ideas. --- 113-09 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How does one recover from a bout of being irretrievably stupid? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I wish I knew. I was going out with a wonderful girl with an incredible } sense of humor (up to professional levels, as I aspire to be.) Then I } did something on New Years' Eve that I don't remember because I was } incredibly drunk and had a memory blackout. Now she hardly talks to me } at all. You have asked one of the most difficult questions in the } universe. And I'm at a loss for an answer. But I can consult higher } authorities. } } !phone god@genesis.heaven.omni } Busy? } -o } } Message from god@genesis.heaven.omni (The Almighty) on console at 19:24 } What is it this time?! } -o } Someone wants to know how to recover from a bout of being } irretrievably stupid. } -o } You apologize. If that doesn't work, you recover by considering it } a learning experience. } -o } OK, I'll tell him. Thanks. } -o } I'll send you a list of questions I received in prayers later on } tonight for you to answer... } -oo } EOT } ^D } } That's God's opinion. Now for some other opinions... } } !phone satan@rushdie.hell.omni } Got a minute? } -o } } Message from satan@rushdie.hell.omni (Lucifer) on p0 at 19:32 ... } What the fuck do you want, Oracle?! } -o } Your computer is called Rushdie? } -o } Yeah... that's where Salman is hiding right now. He's saved on a } hard disk until everything blows over. } -o } I have a question. How do you recover from a bout of being } irretrievably stupid? } -o } You sell your soul to me and I'll fix everything. } -o } That's stupid! } -o } Fuck you too. } EOT } ^D } } So much for that. One more try... } } !phone cthulthu@necro.chaos.omni } Can I ask you a question? } -o } } Message from cthulthu@necro.chaos.omni () on p1 at 19:36 ... } Sure. } -o } How does one recover from a bout of being irretrievably stupid? } -o } The entire spell is detailed in the Necronomicron. } -o } OK, thanks. } EOT } ^D } } Well, there you have it. If you're not happy with that, piss off. --- 113-10 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > yuck! What is this slimy green thing on my bed? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Wasn't it a good dream, though? } } You owe the oracle some Delta Sleep.