From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Wed Jan 17 17:37:34 1990 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (Stephen Kinzler) Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #103 Message-ID: <33276@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 17 Jan 90 22:37:34 GMT Reply-To: oracle-vote Organization: Indiana University, Bloomington === 103 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #103 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 17 Jan 90 22:37:34 GMT To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 103-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > OK, so like I just broke up with my girl. She said she liked me and she > liked being with me but she's been hurt too many times before so she > doesn't wanna. What am I supposed to do about this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Just a moment, I'll see what I can find out... } } % rlogin [name of girl omitted] -l oracle } } Welcome to [name omitted]'s brain! } } Message from operator!console... } Greetings, oh powerful one! What is thy bidding? } } % msg operator "I have been asked to give a decision about this person } from one of my users. I need information." } % } } Message from operator!console... } Yes, great one! What do you need to know? } } % msg operator "I need read access to /usr/control and all of its } contents." } % } } Message from operator!console... } One moment... } } Message from operator!console... } Done. May I serve you in any other way, Sir? } } % msg operator "No, go about your business." } % } } Message from operator!console... } Just call if you need anything! } } % cd /usr/control } % cat thought_pattern } B23y98xcb982ry9x283912fdhsdjh(@*&$^()*@(*B^)Z*@N&9-0mzr-2093crm90238c12 } sdfnbiasdbfipashYPINW(*^BC(Y#(QWGHAISUHDNCIUYMR(X*YR(YPRAMYWIPARIHIRUFH } {}[]{|'\>\>/.>"?>{PALK<_)*C#@)(#MX*(@YBN^#@N&(XM^&*TZ&*MYIYWUIYR)(Y(*YN } . } . } . } [this continued for several hundred lines] } . } . } . } ^C } % msg operator "Thank you - I have found what I needed." } % } } Message from operator!console... } No problem! Anything for the Usenet Oracle! } } % logout } Connection closed. } } I'm afraid there's nothing but garbage in her head. Attempt to } straighten her out. If you are successful, you will be very happy with } her. If not, no loss, you would get nothing but garbage (Garbage } In-Garbage Out) from her anyway. } } You owe the Oracle nothing. This one's on me. --- 103-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Do you do anything other than answer our stupid questions? What are > your hobbies? What do you do for a living? What do you do with Lisa??? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I don't just answer your stupid questions! I answer the stupid } questions of world leaders too! The Reagans constantly ask me "What do } the stars say we should do?" Donald Trump sends me at least one question } a week, asking what color of building he should buy next. And of } course, I recently advised Gorbachev to let Lithuania secede from the } union, and to get Raisa chunky peanut butter instead of creamy, because } she likes it better and poor Mickey hasn't been getting any lately. I } enjoy answering your questions more, since my advice to world leaders } usually deals with sensitive topics and far-reaching implications that } make me nervous; besides, your questions cost the net hundreds if not } thousands of dollars to send everywhere, and I get 50% of the take. } } You owe the Oracle an apology for sending more than one question. --- 103-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great semi-wise one, > > What happened to all the dragons and where did they go? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Too many knights having to rescue too many fair maidens by killing too } many dragons so they could make too many babies and send the world } toward the crisis it faces now. } } Either that or they tended to spontaneously combust. } } You owe the Oracle an explanation why unicorns only let virgins ride } them. --- 103-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why can't Bruce Springsteen becoming a dad be used as an accurate > predictor of the world's imminent demise? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let see if if it really is not such a bad predicator of the future } demise of the world. Let's see if who we should ask. } } (Pulls out Time Machine Terminal) } } Mail Oracle at iuvax.cs.indiana.edu in 16.Jan.2040 } Subject: Tellme oh wise oracle } Oh Great Oracle. (And I should certainly know) What are the } consequences of Bruce Springtein becoming a dad. } EOF } } } From: The Great Oracle } Subject: Your Question } Sorry but the oracle is down for repairs momentarily due to the } premptive nuclear strike launched by President Springstein. } You owe the Oracle a Nuclear Fallout Bunker. } EOF } } You owe the Oracle a Nuclear Fallout Bunker. --- 103-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > why did he do it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } He didn't really want to, but she offered him her body if he would do } it, and then they said that they would beat him to a pulp if he didn't, } and then the government decided to tax people who refused, and then an } archangel bearing a flaming sword came and explained in golden, gentle, } merciful terms that he really had to do it, and then the devil appeared } to him and showed him the fate awaiting him in hell if he didn't do it, } and then the ghost of socrates came to explain it to him from first } principles, and then the spanish inquisition showed up much to his } surprise. that's why he did it. } } so he tried the green eggs and ham, and they were actually pretty good. } } YOU OWE THE ORACLE A MORAL. --- 103-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If you were to ask me this question, what would my answer be? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh no. Not another one of these stupid questions. You know, even the } Oracle gets tired of these dumb circular loop questions. I told you } last time you mailed me one of these idiotic questions to stop playing } with that home lobotomy kit, but did you listen? Nooooooooo! --- 103-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What must i do to become recognised as a net.legend? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You must write a theory explaining the connection between Jolt Cola and } cold fusion. This must explain all known and unknown effects of Jolt } (such as being able to stay awake longer than a trucker, having the } mental power of SuperHacker, etc.). You must explain how to use cold } fusion to power a PC to lower the power bill. You must tell The Oracle } all this before you tell anyone else. } } You owe The Oracle all of the above. --- 103-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > when`s the next woodstock gonna b? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, word has it that Snoopy is getting really sick and tired of the } current Woodstock. The Oracle predicts that Snoopy will wrap the little } shit of a bird up in Linus' blanket and drown him in the birdbath. } Theres also a possibility he'll trade him to the neighbor's cat in } exchange for some piece and quiet...or use him in some ploy to nab the } entire 'birdscout' troop. } } Of course, once the current Woodstock is gone, C. Schultz will have to } come up with a new one within 2 or 3 weeks...He may not want to, but, } its in Snoopy's contract... } } You owe the Oracle a tye dye shirt. --- 103-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is _Little Debbie Does Dingdongs_ a kind of junk food or a pornography > movie? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let's see. Ah, here is the TV-guide listing: } } (1 star) } A cute, innocent young girl named Debbie steals a ding-dong from her } mother, and immediately becomes addicted. At first she steals bites out } of her mother's ding dongs, but fearful she'll get caught soon she is } sucking her entire allowance into her mouth as ding dongs. Eventually } she cannot support her growing habit, and embarks on a life of crime to } pay for ever-increasing numbers of ding dongs that give her ever shorter } ding-dong highs. Debbie realizes she must get help one black day when } she becomes so fat she cannot get out of bed. Sadly, Debbie dies of } cardiac arrest in a home for the criminally obese. } } Hmm, sounds like a "war on drugs" propaganda piece for children to me. --- 103-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > every now and zen something really > bizarre happens to me like today i > was watching some road > construction on third and they had > those flashing lights on the > things and i was really getting > into the rhythm but a little too > well because i must have got > hypnotized or something and i just > wandered around until i bumped > into some frat guy i said sorry he > said go to hell so i really wanted > to try but i had to ask the > direction big mistake next thing i > know im having a rather pleasant > dream you know the kind i really > shouldnt tell you about but it > doesnt matter because she insisted > on safe sex but i forgot my helmet > so thats when the nightmare began > at first i could only use csh and > then i had to use rn but it was > just too much to take when they > made me use emacs and i just > started screaming and screaming > until i bolted awake all drenched > and yelled is the mike on is the > mike on and it was and some guy > was calling number 9 number 9 > number 9 i only had 6 so is this > bizarre yes i needed to take > solace in my navel lint collection > but to my horror it was gone and > they left behind gobs of vacuum > cleaner lint oh so gross im going > to vomit by now my mind had been > in every possible state except i > guess north dakota so id better > ask the great oracle something real > quick but my shift keys broke both > really even the lock sheesh and i > began to worry that they forgot me > when it struck me i was upside > down and i had 9 but it was too > late now i was really in trouble > id better quit for now help And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You're doing fine. It'll wear off any minute now. } } You owe the oracle a csh script.