From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Thu Jan 4 20:29:38 1990 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (Stephen Kinzler) Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #91 Message-ID: <32451@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 5 Jan 90 01:29:38 GMT Organization: Indiana University, Bloomington === 91 =================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #91 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 5 Jan 90 01:29:38 GMT To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Disclaimer: You think *I* write all these? Hah! --- 91-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My lover has been buying dozens of sex toys lately. Should I take this > as a sign that she is losing interest in me ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, Only that she has been reading too many oracular postings } and feels that she is missing out on a lot of things mentioned here. } Incidentally, she intends to introduce you into some of them tonight, be } especially carefull with the bear traps. } } You owe the oracle one plastic surgeon. --- 91-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the square root of a rutebega? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ______________ ___________ } / __________ / ga } / / ga = / be } / / be 4 / e } \/ \/ e \/ } } For a common garden variety: } } b = ln | 2 | } g = ln | 3.01 | } a = ln | 2.99 | } } so the square root of a rutabega is 2 * e^(3.01 * 2.99) = 16204.55 } } You owe the oracle some candied yams. --- 91-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My cat "Whiskers" was run over by a truck that was hauling a bunch of > hari krishnas out to the airport. I realigned the main BUS and checked > all his circuits. I did a load check on his back plane and got a plus > minus of .025 volts, (not too bad for his age). I also did complete RAM > diags and I don't see any damaged chips. His NAND gates seem to be > processing properly with a 50 nanosecond relay. > > But Whiskers keeps choking on hairballs that aren't there, and just > yesterday he took a major dump in my older brother's VCR. Bud's gonna > be major honked when he tries to watch his tapes of "Dukes of Hazard". > Oh Oracle, most wise, what did I miss? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There are several more places to check: } } The BUS, although transmitting properly, may be overloaded or can be } distorting transmissions due to pinching of the coax. } } The power supply could have a low current even with the proper } voltage. } } Undamaged RAM with scrambled data are not useful. } } If the processor's elements are not damaged, the control circuit may } still be in an unknown state. You may have to reset it. } } Choking is an indicator of coolant misfeed. } } You owe the oracle a copy of Chilton's Tabby manual. --- 91-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Huh? Oh, sorry. I can't seem to get work off my mind, and that's why I } came here too. I just need to relax a little. I actually thought you } came to ME for an answer to some troubling question. I'm an Oracle, you } see. Oops, sorry, here's my card. You bet, questions, queries, wisdom } for all, and at prices the average mortal can afford. } } I think that's where the problem started. I've been working my butt } off over the holidays, and last night when the Mrs. told me to clean } the litter box or move out, I sort of went off the deep dive, (If you } know what I mean). Thank goodness my son only owns a Whiffle Bat and } not the real thing, or half the neighborhood would be beaned to death. } I'm supposed to keep taking these little blue pills till the script runs } out then come back for another evaluation. } } Anyways, that's why I'm here. The boss was sympathetic to all of it } and said, "Christ Bill, take a couple of weeks off and improve your } stroke". So, that's what I'm doing here. So terribly sorry to disturb } you, but do you mind if I just play through? I don't need to get on top } of your desk. I'll just take one stoke and play it in the hallway. I } can't seem for the life of me to straighten out that slice, ever since I } started taking those damned pills. I feel much better, though. --- 91-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What are the sexual positions that are the best? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First, the Oracle is miffed because your question is so wordy. Only } brisk and snappy questions provoke the Oracle's interest. In this case, } "What are the best sexual positions?" or "What sexual positions are the } best?" would suffice nicely. Snappy; that's the ticket. } } Having overcome my snit, I reply: the best positions are positions of } responsibility, such as Chief Condom Procurer, Chief of Configurational } Protocol, Reverend Fundamentalist Guilt Spreader, Head Liberal Ethics } Attenuator, Master Iteration Counter, and so on. } } You owe the Oracle a safe-sex manual and a copy of "The Elements of } Style". --- 91-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why are so many of your answers in rhyme? I think that's kind of lame, > myself. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I like to write things that rhyme } It's something to do with my time } If you don't like my verse } I'll just start being terse. } } You owe the oracle... --- 91-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do we have two nostrils, instead of one? Is this a manifestation of > the broader dichotomy of Good and Evil? Is one nostril Good, and the > other Evil, in that case? Is there any telling which is which? If I > use one more than the other, could I become more holy? Could I be > tricked, use the wrong one, and thereby suffer my own personal Fall from > Grace? Any comments on the interesting rhyme of "grace" and "face" (the > most popular location for human nostrils). And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, PLEASE! } } You have two nostrils because ONE would look silly. How many prom dates } would you get with one nostril, hose nose? } } "Space" also rhymes with "face". As does "acetylcholinesterase". Go } figure. --- 91-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How is it that you know everything? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The phenomenon is known as "Infinite Sum Omniscience" or ISO. The } Oracle really does not know any more than the populace that it serves, } but it can take advantage of the pseudo-synergistic application of ISO } which allows that even though the whole is no more than the sum of its } parts, if you use a lot of smoke and mirrors and put the word "Usenet" } in front of it, it looks like more. Here is a more precise explanation: } } Let K be the total Knowledge of the Usenet Oracle } Let X(i) be the knowledge of one of the Oracle's users } Let N be the number of users of the Usenet Oracle } } The Infinite Sum Omniscience equation says that: } } N } ------- } \ } K = \ X(i) } / } / } -------- } i = 1 } } As N, the number of users, gets higher and higher, K, the total } Knowledge of the Oracle, climbs accordingly. For very large values of } N, K approaches infinity, thus approximating the sum total of knowledge } in the universe. } } You owe the Oracle three hours of Calculus tutoring. --- 91-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please sing me a song about the eggplant threat. Thank You in advance. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ahhh, you remind me of my childhood! Let's see now, how did this go? } Oh yes! } } OH THE WIND WAS DARK AND PURPLE } ON THAT DAY WHEN LIGHTS WERE BLACK, } AND THE WOLVES THEY CAME A-HOWLING } WHEN THE EGGPLANTS THEY ATTACKED. } } THEY CAME IN DROVES AND TROUSERS, } THEY CAME IN PICK-UP TRUCKS! } THEY CAME FROM EVERYWHERE } AND THEY TRAMPLED ON THE DUCKS! } } THEY CAME WITH NARY WARNING, } THEY CAME WITH MURD'ROUS SPITE, } THEY CAME TO POUND OUR TOWN TO DUST } THAT HIDEOUS "EGGPLANT NIGHT." } } WE LAY SLEEPING ON OUR RUSTY BEDS } TUCKED IN LIKE ALBACORE, } THE CHILDREN HUGGED THEIR HORNETS NESTS } AND DREAMED OF DINAH SHORE. } } THE POUNDING! POUNDING! IT BEGAN, } DOWN BY THE WATERY DOCKS! } AND MEN GREW ILL, AND ALL STOOD STILL } THE TOWER'S ANCIENT CLOCKS! } } "GEE WHIZ!" WE SHRIEKED IN FEAR AND HATE } AS EGGPLANTS CAME ON LAND, } "LOOKIE!" CRIED THE BRAVER SOULS } SOON SMASHED UPON THE SAND. } } THE EGGPLANTS ATE THE STREETS AND STORES, } THEY ATE UP CITY HALL - } THEY ATE AND ATE (THEY BURPED) AND OH, } THE HORROR OF IT ALL! } } BRAVE ANNIE GOT HER GUN OF COURSE, } AND DUMBO TOOK TO AIR - } BUT NOT UNTIL GREAT *GECKO* CAME } COULD WE THE EGGPLANTS SCARE! } } GREAT GECKO! HE WHO KNOWS NO GOOD } BUT KILLS WITH WANTON GLEE! } SOME SAID "OH GREAT, SURE, *THIS* WILL HELP" } THE REST, JUST "GOLLY GEE!" } } GECKO STOOD FULL NINE LEAGUES TALL } WITH LEGS LIKE MIGHTY WILLOWS - } HIS PANT LEGS ARE NINE SIZES LARGE } AND THE WIND BETWEEN THEM BILLOWS. } } WITH A MIGHTY RUSH HE GRASPED A 'PLANT } AND MASHED IT IN HIS JAWS. } IT SCREAMED AND CRIED! AT LAST IT DIED, } BUT GECKO DID NOT PAUSE! } } WITH SWEEPING HAND HE SCOURED THE LAND } ALL NIGHT, ALL WEEK, ALL YEAR! } UNTIL, AT LAST, HE BURST, AND PAST } BEYOND ALL EGGPLANT-FEAR. } } BY THEN JUST EIGHT OR NINE OR TEN } BLUE DEATH FRUIT LAY ABOUT - } WE FOUND THEM, STAMPED THEM INTO MUSH } AND BEGAN TO SING AND SHOUT! } } FOR THOUGH THEY CAME AND TERRIFIED } OUR HUMBLE LITTLE TOWN, } NOTHING STOPS COURAGEOUS FOLK } WHEN ALL THE CHIPS ARE DOWN. } } FOR WE CAN CONQUER ANY FOE } WHEREVER THEY MIGHT LURK } SO LONG AS WE HAVE BIG DUMB GUYS } LIKE GECKO DO THE WORK. --- 91-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle Most Wise, > > What should I tell my friend who wants to name her new baby ``Quincy''? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You should list for her all the famous Quincies of history. } } 1. John Quincy Adams. } 2. Quincy Marlboro, the inventor of dental floss. } 3. Quincy Aaron Jones, the second superintendant (1841-1849) of the } Cleveland, Ohio school system. Instituted uniform spelling of the } word "Principal" throughout the school system. } 4. Quincy Hanks, one of the greatest Directors of the Division of } Roads in the whole world. Under his supervision, the DOR filled } in over 150,000 potholes annually --- more than twice the number } for the previous Director. } 5. John Quincy Public. Generic kind of guy. } 6. Quincy Armond-Dohicky. First victim of malaria while wearing a } zoot suit and drinking at a speakeasy during Prohibition. } 7. Quincy, a giant quince wearing a top hat, a promotional gimmick of } the American Quince Grower's Association from 1961-1965. } } Those are the highlights. You then should point out to your friend what } a wonderful list of people her son will join. } } You owe the Oracle your first-born son "Flopsie".