From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Fri Dec 15 23:01:52 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #82 Message-ID: <31693@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 16 Dec 89 04:01:52 GMT Sender: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Keywords: offensive === 82 === offensive ===================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #82 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 16 Dec 89 04:01:52 GMT To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Disclaimer: You think *I* write all these? Hah! --- 82-01 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why on earth does the IBM JCL reference manual contain so many > references to my sex life? There's at least one per chapter, and it's > pretty embarrassing. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh!! So you've also read "What to do when your dick gets stuck in disk } drive A..." --- 82-02 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Am I addicted to roast beef? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes. The real question, of course, is why. It has to do with that } fling of yours on a farm, with someone whose name you never knew. [I } will reveal her name at the end of my answer.] } } Do you remember that fine spring day when you were so starved for } companionship, so you thought to clear your mind by taking a walk in the } pure countryside? You were enjoying the pastoral view and the fresh } air, just a bit nippy with the gentle spring breeze bringing you the } fragrance of just-opened buds. Then you saw her, the female of your } dreams. } } You knew at once that you were meant for one another, and you stood } enraptured at her calm, ingenuous country beauty, unsullied by the smog } or the grinding, mind-numbing bustle of the city, free of the } gum-snapping vacuousness of so many you'd met (and, you were forced to } admit, even lusted after). } } You hadn't known that such beauty existed: as she relaxed near your } path, your eyes feasted on her. She had, in the words of the } Victorians, a beautifully-turned ankle, and her figure -- ah, her } figure. Some might call her overly plump, but you knew better, and your } eyes travelled up her leg, past her ample rump, to her enormous ... } ahem. But her most striking feature was her eyes. Large, brown, almost } liquid with emotion, they beckoned you closer, and her full lips wore a } Mona Lisa-like expression. You approached, touched, caressed. } } She seemed a tease: despite her enticing manner and her acquiescence to } your advances, she was reluctant to lie down in the field with you. You } were making progress -- though few words were exchanged, few were needed } -- when a shotgun blast sailed over your heads. The farmer! With your } clothes in some disarray, you took off running, and he shouted after } you, "What you doing in my cow pasture, boy? You leave my Holsteins } alone!" } } Now you eat roast beef to try to purge the memory of that cow (and the } protective farmer) from your memory. You are psychologically dependent } on it, and though it makes you miserable, you can't stop. It's quite a } shame, actually. } } Her name was Bossy. } } You owe the Oracle a rare steak. Very rare. In fact, it will be } sufficient to just walk the cow by the fire. --- 82-03 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What should I get my Father (49), Mother (48), Sister (15), and Uncle > (40-45?) for Christmas? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } For your father: } A transparent nightgown (for his secretary, not for him) } For your mother: } A transparent nightgown (to make your father a little more } interested) } A vibrator (if he isn't) } For your sister: } A padded bra } A diaphragm } For your uncle: } The key to your sister's bedroom } } You owe the Oracle a Merry Christmas --- 82-04 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ai, yai yai yai, your mother eats batshit off cavewalls. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Perhaps you should refer to an elementary school grammar book as you } seem to be unclear as to how to form a question. The correct form for } this question would have it end with a question mark. In case you don't } know what they look like, they look like this: ? } That would be shift / on most keyboards. It is also advisable to make } clear what the question is trying to find out, for example: "Is it true } that your mother eats batshit off cavewalls?" or "Did you know that your } mother eats batshit off cavewalls?" } } The omniscient oracle hopes you have been enlightened. --- 82-05 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, most wise, I need help. > > I am in my bedroom. A woman with big biker thighs is wearing a leather > teddy, jack boots and a German officers hat while goosestepping around > the bed. What does this mean? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It means that you are going to owe this woman a lot of money very soon. } Or perhaps an Iron Cross medal. If you wish to get rid of this woman, } show her a picture of the holes in the Berlin wall and remind her that } pieces of it are now being sold in America for Christmas gifts. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Heavy Blimp's trashing single "Uber De } Alles" --- 82-06 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How many chucks could a woodchuck chuck, if I were larger than Mt. > Everest? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } So next time you buy a vowel } and you're staring at Vanna } don't you throw in the towel } but rather sit bak and peal that ban ana. } } Just remember to form your answer as a quest tion } or you won't win any money } And we all know its so much fun } to smear you crotch with honey. } } 4 score an d nine ban anas ago } a would chucked Mt Ever rest into the sea } And we should all know } that he chuked a chuck total of three. } } So Happy Yule and Merry new year } as Santa robs from the poor and gives to the rich } Be free of pain, strife and fear } A female dog is a bitch. --- 82-07 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is it safe? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Nothing is ever safe. Security is an illusion. We're all going to die } in the Universe's heat-death, so what the f*ck does it matter anyways?? } I'm getting sick of answering all these questions from brain-damaged } computer geeks! I'M AN ORACLE FOR GOD'S SAKE!!! } ---======*********SKKAAAA-BOOOOOOOOOOOM********======--- } "Oracle, this is GOD speaking..." } Er um... I'm sorry oh lord of the cosmos! It's been a bad day, my } priests have been bugging me about a raise and the mists all stink of } swamp gas and..." "Shut up. Do you think I want to hear this sh*t? I'M } GOD! Now stop your mewling and anser the persons question CORRECTLY." } But... but... I don't know what they are reffering to!! } "Stopping that sniffling you miserable wretch! They are obviously } talking about safe sex. Do I have to replace you with Johnny Carson??" } NO!! Oh No sir, I promise, I'll do better, it was just a temporary } lapse... } "STOP THAT!!!! GET BACK TO WORK BEFORE I TURN YOU INTO A LAVA-LAMP!!!!" } KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!! } } } Um.... } } } Oh yeah... is it safe... } um, of course it is!! But only if you use a Condomn... or a diaphragm. --- 82-08 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is it true that all short people are inferior? > > P.S. I'm 6'3" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes. I'm 6' 0", and I would acknowledge being inferior to you, except } that I am the Oracle and you aren't, so nyaaaaaaaaaah nyaaaaaaaaaah, } nyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh! } } Listen, sunshine. Short people start wars, scare animals, abuse } children, smash windows, resist arrest, take drugs, spread AIDS, perform } cruel experiments upon live animals, support the IRA, buy imported } goods, draw social security, distribute buggy compilers, drive over } hedgehogs, burn the cakes, forget the words to `God Save The Queen', } listen to commercial radio loudly at 3 AM, borrow the books from the } library that you want for your assignment, join the Labour Party, join } the Conservative Party, support independence for Scotland, give their } girlfriends cheap perfume, refuse their boyfriends intercourse, and } generally make life for us normal people into an insufferable torture. } } I am NOT a shortophobe -- !BUT! -- Hitler was short, Mussolini was } short, the people who invented BASIC were all short, the Viet Cong are } short, the Irish are short, gypsies are short, homosexuals are all } decidedly below average height, Lord Lucan is short, Ron Brown MP is } short, Colonel Gaddafi is short, Ian Paisley is short, fleas are short, } Ron Todd is short, rats are short, bacteria are microscopic, the } striking ambulance workers are all short...what we need is the FINAL } SOLUTION! --- 82-09 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle Most Wise, we have all heard a lot about Lisa, the > net.sex.goddess, whose life is dedicated to sex, and who is a true > master in her field. But surely, there must be other net.*.god(desse)s, > who excel in "*". (Although not as intereseting as Lisa). > > But it would be intersting to hear about others. So I ask you this > time: Who is the net.suppleness.goddess ? Please, Oh Mighy One, tell > me about her. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Her name is Barbara, and she lives on the fourth floor. } You must go and meet her personally. } Her phone number can be found by dialing 411 and asking for Barbara } the Great Goddess of Suppleness. } By the way, she loves Dominoes Pizza. --- 82-10 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What shall a pure virgin do when she's cornered between: > > 1. An aroused highpriest of the Oracle. > 2. A recruiting priestess of the Secluded Monastery of Bald Virgins. > 3. A pit filled with hairy and vicious tarantula's. > 4. A dark and suspicious phone-box with the message ' Aids telephone '. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Pure virgins indeed face a dilemma. } } Let the oracle analyze your situation: } } > 1. An aroused highpreist of the Oracle. } } These people are dangerous, but the Oracle keeps Lisa around to } allow them to relieve their petty human pressures with. The Oracle's } high priests are quite satisfied with Lisa, and would not easily be } convinced to choose another. The Oracle's high preistesses, on the } other hand, are very happy with Dave, and will not even give you a } second glance. } } > 2. A recruiting preistess of the Secluded Monastary of Bald Virgins } } These people are also dangerous, but are even fewer in number } than the elite high preists of the Oracle. The SMBV's work for peace, } justice, and the American way; but are dying out because of in } explicable inability to reproduce. If you think you can produce } spontaneous impregnation in a community of bald virgins, than this is } for you, and there are several people who would like to have you deliver } sermons on the mount of olives. } } > 3. A pit filled with hairy and vicious tarantulas. } } These are just plain gross. Stay away from them. } } > 4. A dark and suspicious phone-box with the message 'AIDS telephone'. } } This is simply one of Jesse Helms' direct phone lines to report } suspected cases of homosexuality. You are supposed to call if you see } anything that doesn't correspond to his rather narrow definition of what } we should and should not do. Most people just urinate in them. } } It seems that you're stuck, but the Oracle suggests the aroused } high preises of the Oracle of a choice has to be made.