From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Sat Dec 2 17:05:38 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #72 Message-ID: <30712@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 2 Dec 89 22:05:38 GMT Sender: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu === 72 =================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #72 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 2 Dec 89 22:05:38 GMT To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. --- 72-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, O Oracle most wise in the ways of Personkind > > What is the sound of one hand slapping you silly? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It goes: } >>KRAK!!<< Aaaaaaaaaaaaargh! } >>KRAK!!<< Oooooooooooooooh! } >>KRAK!!<< Aaaaaaaaaaaaargh! } >>KRAK!!<< EeeeeeeeeeeeeeeK! } >>KRAK!!<< Aaaaaaaaaaaaargh! } >>KRAK!!<< Oooooooooooooooh! } >>KRAK!!<< Aaaaaaaaaaaaargh! } >>KRAK!!<< EeeeeeeeeeeeeeeK! } Oh, God, STOP IT, STOP IT, AAAAAARGH! } } You owe the Oracle a set of lovers' dungeon equipment. --- 72-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, > What is the percentage of computer science grad students > that are geeks, and how can I meet some drama majors? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First of all, let us look upon the definition of the word geek: } } geek \'ge-k\ n [prob. fr. E dial. geek, geck fool, fr. LG geck, fr. } MLG] : a carnival performer often billed as a wild man whose act usu. } includes biting the head off a live chicken or snake. } } From this definition, we can see that only a small percentage of } computer science grad students are actually practicing geeks (about 8%), } while a great many more (38.2%) actually are closet geeks who's thoughts } constantly turn to the myriad completely gross, yet fascinating things } that can be done with small animals. } } The Oracle knows of your secret wish to join the circus (or a rock } group) and practice your fascination in public, and it also knows of } your silent struggle to suppress these feelings for fear that the } descent public will not accept you. However, there is no need to fear. } Your are in the company of other geeks who have gained much fame and } money (ie. such as Ozzie Osbourne, who was a computer science grad } student). } } Come out of the closet and express yourself on some nearby livestock! } } As for your second question, drama majors may be easily purchased at the } nearest Drama Shop. } } You owe the Oracle the head a live chicken or snake. --- 72-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have to write documentation. Is this the right job for me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } By sending Me a message consisting of two well-formed, correctly spelt, } grammatical sentences which make complete sense without the need for a } knowledge of exactly what it is you're describing, you have proved } beyond any doubt that: } } WRITING DOCUMENTATION IS THE ***WRONG*** JOB FOR YOU. } } People who write documentation would have written: } } My employment situation (Part # 23435674565-001) as of this instant in } time requires I engage in documentary printed format output (art Nos. } 343434243-6 through 6645675). There is a glass of orange juice on my } head. Kindly oblige me with your approximate estimate of the } appropriateness for myself of task onto assinned what like I have been. } THIS LINE INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK --- 72-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who is this Lisa woman, and why is she our net.sex.goddess? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A mortal who does not know Lisa the net.sex.goddess can not understand } the mere words. A human male must preform the following ritual in order } to come to know Lisa the net.sex.goddess: } } 1: Stay in the terminal room very late, wait for everyone else to } leave. You must be coding in C, Pascal, Modula-2, or assembly. } } 2: After all are gone, take out the five bannanas (four is OK if one } has been eaten) and lay them around the terminal. } } 3: Turn out all of the lights so that the room is bathed in the light } of the CRTs. } } 4: Attempt to contact Lisa by typing lisa at the C prompt repetitivly. } } Good luck... --- 72-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is there a cure for Empire? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The only cure to empire lies in the glorious revolution by the } proletariate against their bourgeoise imperialist overlords. Only by } throwing off their shackles can the workers of the world truly be free! } Down with the Imperialist Yankee pig dogs! Long live the Revolution! } The workers control the means of production! Stalin took flowers to his } mother every week! Raisa Gorbachev is one hot babe! } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the Communist Manifesto, signed (in } passion-pink lipstick) "Love and Kisses, Raisa" --- 72-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > M M<'-I>F4@,`IS971E;G8@5DE354%,('YJ:&%L;&5N+V4* M4B!^:FAA;&QE;B]E"G5M87-K(#`R-PIS970@<&%T:#TH+B`D2$]-12]B:6X@ > M8"]U7-P871H8"D*8FEF9B!N"FUE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where should I eat tonight? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dude! I haven't heard from you in ages!! You know, you've become a bit } of a folk hero around here ever since you spiked the East German } leader's last few meals with LSD. He's still trippin' on that last } batch you made, and he's still deluded into thinking that communism } sucks and that the breaking of the Berlin Wall will snag him the Nobel } Peace Prize next year. Good trick! It's nice to know that in all the } excitement you still haven't forgotten your good buddy, the Oracle. } } I can understand why you wouldn't want to eat in E. Germany, or any } other Soviet bloc country, for that matter. The Ruskies have a pretty } high price on your head now that you've converted one of their best } subordinates. Hmm, where to eat... Oh, heck, why don't you come on } over to my place for chow tonight? We can chug a few brews, cook up a } couple of steaks and shoot the bull for a while. I'll even invite Lisa } over (you know how she gets after a few drinks ;^) ) and you two can do } whatever you want later when I shut down for the night. } } You don't owe me anything, though I'd appreciate it if you'd call me now } and again. Maybe cook me dinner next time, too, OK? --- 72-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When snow melts, what happens to the white? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } drip dlip } drip } } drop } trickle drop } dripple drip } dropdrip } drip } } splash! } } puddlepuddlepuddlepuddlepuddlepuddlepuddlepuddlepuddlepuddlepuddlepuddle } puddlepuddlepuddle puddlepuddlepuddlepuddlepuddle } puddlepuddle puddle puddlepuddlepuddlepuddle } puddlepuddle puddle puddle puddlepuddle puddlepuddle } puddlepuddle puddle puddle puddle puddle } puddle puddlepuddle puddlepuddle puddle puddle puddle --- 72-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I obtained the following information: > > Script started on Fri Dec 1 22:27:40 1989 > % finger oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu > [iuvax.cs.indiana.edu] > Login name: oracle In real life: The Usenet Oracle > Office: c/o kinzler > Directory: /usr/spool/oracle Shell: /bin/csh > Never logged in. > ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ > % exit > script done on Fri Dec 1 22:28:16 1989 > > O, mighty oracle, how can this be? How do you do it. You don't even > LOG IN! > And mighty oracle, if you never log in, why do you need a directory? > Please tell me. This is fascinating. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, easy. I know the root password. I know yours, too. } } I know everything. } } You owe the Oracle the patches to the fingerd security hole. --- 72-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do Americans celebrate Superbowl? is she the religious holiday? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Superbowl is a special time that comes but once a year. Many } rituals must be performed to observe "Superbowl Sunday" as it is called. } } 1) All the male members of a household must form an enclave before the } altar. } } 2) Many female members may attend. Few, however, are as religious as } the men are. } } 3) Ritual sacrifices are collected. These can be as varied as crackers } and gourmet hot dogs but necessities include pretzels, beer, and } good old-fashioned burnt hamburgers. } } 4) No work is allowed. This is a sabbath day. } } 5) Special members are allowed to enjoy the ceremony in person, rather } than having to watch through the electronic altar. These members } must pay a tithing and pray ferverently for their token of } attendance. } } 6) The holy ceremony is very steeped in ritual and must be watched to } be fully appreciated. The dance of the "cheerleaders" (special } acolytes) is supposed to be related to other religion's ferility } rites (this does occur just before spring) and the competition of } the "champions" (sometimes called players) is a tribute to the gods } of war. } } 7) Holy figures can be found everywhere. High-ranking officials of the } church can be found wearing special clothes (in black and white, } portraying their ambivalence) and using "flags of power". } } 8) The ritual lasts for several hours, allowing all in attendance to } become rather inebriated. } } 9) The church collects a great deal of money for the rituals. Some of } this money is given to the members of the church. } } 10) Relics of the ritual are also sold to support the church. These } relics include timekeeping equipment, calendars, and other } implements required for advanced culture. } } 11) The celebration lasts well into the next few days. } } You owe the oracle a Superbowl ring.