From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Thu Nov 30 17:30:32 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #70 Message-ID: <30572@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 30 Nov 89 22:30:32 GMT Sender: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu === 70 =================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #70 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 30 Nov 89 22:30:32 GMT *** Note new information below. To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. --- 70-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is a Nietzschean Ubermenschen? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } He is just like the superman in the comic books, except instead of } fighting Lex Luthor he fights God, and instead of avoiding Kryptonite, } he should avoid sex. --- 70-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If the Oracle (with the "oral"-like prefix) says all, is there... > > ... an Opticle that sees all? > ... an Audicle that hears all? > ... an Olfactoracle that smells all? > ... a Tacticle that feels all? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes! And there is also a Testicle which....Oh, never mind! --- 70-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Back in the good old days, before even Fortran was invented, Oracular > answers tended to be very ambiguous and difficult to interpret. The > Delphic Oracle had a large staff of priests just to interpret its > answers. > > Your answers, however, are very clear and explicit. Why are you > different from all other Oracles? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Seven is the number, then: seven starlings, } Seven ghosts adrift in the moonlight waters, } Seven trees with sleep in their branches, } Seven tongs as swift as fire, } Seven lines of seven stones, } Seven VAXen. } Swift and sure they are, but noontime fire shall not hasten them. } Cold and cruel they are, but water-of-ice shall not warm them. } Solid as a rock they are, but the ground shall not support them. } They dance in the sky at dawntime. } Seven again: seven loaves they take for food, } Seven times the Squid of Death passes them at night, } Seven feet above the earth, } Seven fathoms below the sea, } Seven lemurs. } When the ghosts of wind come swirling around us, } Ghosts of wind past } Ghosts of wind present } Ghosts of wind future } Ghosts of wind which never will be } What can we do but answer them? --- 70-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What are the words to the "official" Indiana University anti-fight song? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } OK, here it is. I don't understand why I.U. keeps singing about the } ocean though. It's kind of far away from the ocean. } } Indiana University! Queen of the Waves! } I-U! It's OK! } Indiana University! Ruler of all she surveys! } I-U! It's Allright! } Indiana University! Mistress of the Vasty Blue! } I-U! It's OK! } Indiana University! Dutchess of the Seven Seas! } I-U! It's Nifty! } Indiana University! Lord High Chamberlady of the Wide Oceans! } I-U! It's Mega-OK! } Indiana University! Executive Vice President In Charge of Marketing } for the Waterways! } I-U! It's Cosmically Find and Dandy! } Indiana University! Highly Connected New York Lawyer for the Sargasso } Sea! } I-U! Like, Wow! } } } Oh, we fight fight fight } for ol' IU tonight, } Oh, let's keep that flame alight } And let's give them no respite, } Let's keep them all uptight! } It's OK 'cause we're allright! } Let's kick them to such a height } that they fly right out of sight! } They'll go higher than a kite! } None shall save them from their plight! } We'll whump them when it's light! } We'll whump them when it's night! } Let's make our plays so recondite } they'll look like a hellgrammite! } Oh, let's kick and bash and bite, } And thump and whack and smite, } and trash with all our might } for our mascot Troglodyte! } We don't do it out of spite, } We just do it 'cause we're tight! } } Indiana University! Queen of the Ocean! Yay!!!!!!!! --- 70-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please tell me, a humble mortal, O Mighty Oracle > What happens if you accidentally mail off a half finished answer to one > of us? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, this problem has never occured before, the results would be } terrible, famine would break loose on all the lands, Dan Quayle would } become president, and worst of all you would be inflicted with a } terrible --- 70-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle: > What's going on between Tom Bombadil and Goldberry? The guy seems...er, > you know... How about her? Can you clarify that chapter, please? Oh, > and Frodo? She was to...enthusiastic about this little fellow. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The trouble with the prudish Englishman Tolkien is that he left out the } *really* interesting parts of his tales. In many cases you can read } between the lines, but in other cases you'll have to turn to the } All-knowing Oracle to get the details. OK, here we go: } } Tom Bombadil and Goldberry had had a very long and happy relationship, } mainly because of they both realizing that her sexual needs couldn't be } satisfied by old Tom, who, though still strong, was entering his dotage. } As is (actually) obvious from the book, Tom was more interested in } watching young hobbits run around naked in the grass, anyway, so he } didn't mind Goldberry'slittle adventures with various dwarves, } woodcutters and vagrant wizards, as long as they were kept on a purely } physical level. } } Tolkien does mention that Frodo fell in love with Goldberry's beuaty. } What he doesn't mention is how much of the attraction resulted from the } sight of her naked body under her semi-transparent dress (the use of } underwear hadn't spread to those remote areas yet), and that Goldberry } returned Frodo's compliments by repeated visits to his bedroom that } night. The real reason for Frodo's staying two nights at Tom's house is } of course readily apparent, given that background. } } Tolkien's books give many subjects to speculate about, such as "How did } Saruman really breed his half-orc warriors?" and "What did *really* } happen between Bilbo and Gollum when Bilbo got the Ring?". Tolkien } writes about guessing riddles, but, as you know, he's not entirely to be } trusted. } } You owe the Oracle an explanation of why the Wizard of Oz was so nice to } little girls. --- 70-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, Oh Wisest of the wise: > > Why must we use contraception, instead of just having toggle switches on > our butts? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because if a woman sat down on a man's lap the wrong way she could } accidently reset her toggle switches, and we all know what would happen } then. --- 70-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why don't you go to hell? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle travels far and wide, both through space and time, and has } often visited Hell. It is situated in the centre of a great, smokey } plain, surrounded by forbidding mountains. During the Oracle's travels, } the Oracle is often asked to answer questions of the various inhabitants } in these far-off regions. The Oracle expects payment, of course, and } the inhabitants usually compensate the Oracle with sumptuous } accomodations and overindulgent hospitality. As you might expect, the } Oracle has grown to prefer the rewards of some areas over those of } others, and Hell is one of those favored areas, thanks to the excellent } chili platters served in their finest restaurants. However, as part of } the tortures administered to many of the Hell residents, large computer } software development efforts are under way at the moment, and at the } Oracle's last visit many questions were fielded about programming laser } equipped satellites in COBOL, apparently the only computer language ever } used in Hell. This upset the Oracle's digestion greatly, ruining } several day's feasting on chili platters, and so the Oracle does not } expect to visit Hell again anytime soon. } } You owe the Oracle a pitchfork and a copy of Dante's "Inferno" published } on punched cards (Hollerith coding). --- 70-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Somebody sent me a present yesterday. It was a hole that came from the > Berlin Wall. What should I do with the hole ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First, find someone who has a piece of the Berlin Wall. *Then*, take } the hole and put that and the Wall piece together. Congratulations, } you've just maintained the space-time continueum... --- 70-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great sagacious one, > > W > h > y > ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } W } h } y } } n } o } t } ? } } You owe the Oracle a randomized TAB function.