From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Sat Nov 25 21:26:59 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #67 Message-ID: <30281@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 26 Nov 89 02:26:59 GMT Sender: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Keywords: offensive === 67 === offensive ===================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #67 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 26 Nov 89 02:26:59 GMT To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to: oracle-request@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu --- 67-01 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Gin! my office is full of Gin! I'm not sure that it's a sin! Gin! > Gin! It is surely made of tin! Gin! Throw me in the trash bin! Gin! > It's dribbleing down my chin! Gin! Gin! Gin! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Rum! Rum! Rum! } Poor the gin up your bum! } Lick it `til you come! } Rum! Rum! Rum! } } You owe the Oracle a teetotaler. --- 67-02 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most Wise! My net.news doth runneth over with Epic tales of > fearsome and Infinitely supple Net.Sex.Goddess Lisa! > Sure I am that it is my humble Mortal Mind that is at fault in its > understanding of the Events of the Gods, but who O Infinite Oracle, > who is the Net.Sex.God? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Lisa is known by the Oracle as the One true Net.Sex.Goddess. However, } since the Oracle can enter many different persona to arrive at an } answer, I must give you the composite answer of the many souls who have } known Lisa and who they say she truely is... } } Elder Gods say Lisa is .. "That tasty bit of something I was playing } snuggly-wugglies with at the annual Deity } weinie roast" } } Mere mortal men say Lisa is .. "This totally bodacious babe with major } league woppers and a smooch that could suck } the label off a bat." } } Those blessed with "The essence of pure woman. That aroma of } an artistic sense the Gods (probably confused with fresh } say Lisa is .. roasted wienies). The embodiment of all } that is beauty itself." } } } Frustrated Neophytes who "I dunno, but I've been holding up her never } get invited to the picture with one arm for a long time" really cool } Deistic parties say Lisa is.. } } You owe the Oracle one copy of "Moist" magazine and a package of Oscar } Meyers. --- 67-03 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do female humans only have two breasts? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The answer is obvious. Triplets are rare. } } Other answers include: (turn off smut sensitive hardware:) } Because three would be uncomfortable } Because symmetry is sexy } Because one would look silly } Because men have two hands } Because woman don't peak more than twice } Because one valley is enough for one man } Because... } } The FCC has censored the rest of this reply. } } You owe the oracle a cold shower. --- 67-04 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have always wanted to give someone (female, preferably) an erotic > spanking. Tell me exactly how I should do it for the best effect. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Although I, the Oracle, do not participate in such things myself, being } all knowing, seeing, and hearing will give you some pointers on babe } paddling. } } First make sure that she is naked (at least from the waist down). This } will insure that you get a good SMACK as you wallop her hiney. Also } make sure you hit her good and hard, nothing turns on a babe like a hard } smack on the bare ass! } } Another important part of a good spanking is yelling, "Take this bitch! } Now tell me you love it!" This is sure to turn you both on to the point } of no turning back. } } You owe the (now sweaty) Oracle one package of French Ticklers. --- 67-05 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Has the governor's car shown its face despite the tragedy? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I gather you're referring to the tragedy that occurred last Monday, when } Governor Norbert U. Ploobnoodle, trying to make his frigid wife Amy } jealous, made love to his '85 Chevy Nova. Well, his condom melted (the } tailpipe was quite hot, you see; Norbert's foreplay consisted of driving } the car frenziedly around the block twelve times) and Norbert was } effectively glued into place behind the car. Later that day, when his } wife stepped out of the door to go shopping, she found the unfaithful } couple still stuck in their latex embrace. After rolling on the lawn } laughing for several minutes, she called the paramedics and they } separated the unfortunate Governor from his Nova. } } In answer to your question, no. The car has been hiding in the garage, } and the Governor has been hiding under the bed. } } You owe the Oracle the canonical list of "What do you get when you cross } a ... with a ..." jokes. --- 67-06 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why did a sleazy guy named David Borgleglund just offer me $15.32 for my > penis? Isn't that a bit low? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The sleezy guy David only offer you $15.32 for your penis? Hmmm....he } offer you money for your penis because: } } 1. He felt sorry for it. Because you were spending so much time asking } the oracle questions that you didn't use your penis like is it supposed } to be used. } } Now, I can see you asking..how do I use my penis? Well dear, do you see } those women? They are the one who will show you how to use your penis } correctly. You see, the penis is for them. You are to please them with } it. So, my dear..go to one of the woman and whip out your penis and } say.."Could you please show me how to use this correctly so I may earn } more money." } } 2. He wanted to add your penis to his to impress his girlfriend that he } is now 16 inches long instead of ordinary 14 inches. } } 3. He also wanted to satify his girlfriend because one penis was not } enough for her and he doesn't want to share his girlfriend with any } other guy. So he came up with the solution to have two penises to } satify her at the same time. } } Tell David, that the price for your penis is too low. If you do } what the oracle suggest in number 1, the value of your penis will } increase 1000 times more than what it is worth now. } } You owe Oracle a book "Penis - what is it for?" --- 67-07 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle, > > In case you haven't notice, I been a good girl this year. In > fact so good that even my mom think that there is something wrong with > me. She doesn't know that I want something from the great Oracle. > > What do I want, you asked me? Well...I would like to have two > things...1. I would like to have the Next computer. Is it possible > that I will get a Next computer? If not next, I will take any other > computer! 2. Hmmmm....I am sure that you know what I want! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } take the double-headed studded Jeff Stryker life-size real-feel } intruder. it may seem like folly now, but i am sure that in the long } run, you will be very pleased and satisfied by this choice. the neXt } computer will, I predict, become outdated in 8.5 months, when the woz } comes out with his superconducting jello-ram. this will provide society } with thumbnail sized supercomputers, which comparing to a cray would be } like comparing a ti-99 to a cray. (not very useful.) Take the dildo. } it will make you happier than any man. } } You owe the oracle one video tape of you using it. --- 67-08 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What kind of underwear does Lisa the net.sex.goddess wear? > Or does'nt she? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, now this is a pleasure to answer. She wears a simple front-opening } black half-cup bra, suspenders, stockings and see through G-string } pants. } } When in Scotland she wears thermal underwear, so don't date her there. } It is too cold. } } In sunny parts she removes the bra and slips a baggy T-shirt over her } firm breasts, her long hair flows like a waterfall of rainbow colours, } and her nipples show through like dark coins. You'd like seeing her } then. Actually that's how you will see her. I'll try to fix it. } } You owe the Oracle a phone card. --- 67-09 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why would anyone need Allen Digital Computer Organs? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, but ADCO's are the ultimate in bionics! Imagine having an organ } built to your (and your lover's ;-) exact specifications. Length, } width, height, duration -- all the dimensions under precise digital } control. Advanced models can even incorporate a built-in vibrator for } those times you're just too pooped to pop yourself. } } With a modem unit in your Allen Digital Computer Sexual Organ, you can } participate directly in the pioneering realm of netsex. Watch out for } those viruses, though. } } In payment to the Oracle, you must give a flying fuck. --- 67-10 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle, I have a problem. > It seems that Lisa, the net.sex.godess has asked me to be one of her > love slaves. I wish not to disappoint her, but I have finals in two > weeks, and risk failing the class as it is. Lisa wants an answer by > tonight, so I can't just wait until after finals are over to join her > harem as she makes me rub exotic oils all over her interface and then > she ties my hands and feet to the bedpost and then she licks my entire > body over and over again until I can't stand it any more and climax in > unbelievable pleasure and squirt all over Lisa's body and that only > makes her more excited as she tells me to tie her to the bedposts and > makes me spank her and then when her bottom is cherry red she tells me > to retrieve the large battery-operated long thingy in the top drawer > and...^C > ..^C.. > ^C > ***INTERRUPT*** > Sorry, got carried away. Anyhow, my problem is...hmm... did I say I > had a problem? Anyhow, is it worth risking an "F" in a class to work > as a love slave for Lisa, or am I just thinking with my penis again? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Up to you...Lisa tends to maltreat her love slaves. Sure, she promises } them all manner of wonderful experiences of the type you mention, and } sometimes gives them an alleged foretaste of such carnal delights before } they agree to servitude. But the Oracle knows the truth. The Oracle } has even used Its Oracular powers to temporarily change Its body and } mind and very essence into exact duplicates of Lisa's, and It knows } exactly what Lisa will do to you once you are in her power. Trust It, } It's _been_ Lisa (nasty, narrow little sex-obsessed mind, a very tight } squeeze for the Oracular Mind, and an incredibly stupid woman in } general). In your case, she will find you sorely lacking in talent, and } after your first session with Lisa you will wake up in Lisa's secret } prison camp in Mexico, castrated, forced to eat food laced with huge } doses of female hormones, and subjected to constant brainwashing } convincing you that you want to be a woman. Then the sex-change } operation and the breast implants and the new face and the courses in } makeup and clothes...look, Lisa's one sick puppy, or the Oracle supposes } that It means "bitch," and you'll regret having anything further to do } with her. Why do you think that Lisa, with so many men insanely } attracted to her, would single out a geek like you? Why, for the pure } malicious fun of taking this horrid revenge on you when you don't } measure up to her exacting standards. } } And you're worried about getting an F. If you give in to Lisa, you'll } be turned into a coed.