From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Tue Nov 14 17:16:50 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #56 Message-ID: <29656@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 14 Nov 89 22:16:50 GMT Sender: Stephen Kinzler === 56 =================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #56 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 14 Nov 89 22:16:50 GMT To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to: oracle-request@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu --- 56-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do I find that when I wake up each morning, I am quite erect! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, yes--a common problem indeed. Common, that is, among sexually } repressed weenies who ask the Mighty All-Knowing Great Infinitely Wise } And Really Not Such a Bad Guy After All (deep breath) Oracle such } random, pointless, look-at-me-I'm-sexually-repressed (Did you ever get } that feelin' like you was William Faulkner?) questions. Go ask Dan } Quayle--I'm sure he'd be more than happy to discuss this subject with } you at...uh, length. } } You owe the Oracle the steel condom you've been wearing to bed every } night. --- 56-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > will this work? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Of course it &%t - } uklj13; ^[ } . } } Syntax error in 4510 } Ok --- 56-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ... --- ... > ... --- ... > ... --- ... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmm... This looks rather suspiciously like an SOS. In fact, it } looks like three of them. } } The _Carpathia_ and the _Californian_ will be arriving as soon as } possible. In the meantime, use all those ice cubes for another round of } drinks. Hang in there. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of "A Night to Remember" as soon as you're } done in the lifeboats. --- 56-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How can I tell if I have an Evil Twin? If I do, how can I destroy him? > Also, how can I tell if it isn't me that is the Evil one? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Use the following program: } } if [ -e Evil Twin ] then } if [ me != Evil Twin ] then } rm Evil Twin } else } rm me } fi } fi --- 56-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > can_write(I, only):- write(I, in, prolog). > > help(Me) :- can_help(You, Me). > > are_thanked(you, very_much). And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } speaking( you, prolog ). } speaks( oracle, prolog ). } understand( oracle, you ). } } replying( oracle, english ). } replying( oracle, prolog ). } } can_help( oracle, you). } ask( you, Question ). } } are_welcome( you ). } owe( oracle, you, 0 ). } ----- } Rest assured faithful disciple, the Oracle understands you! The Oracle } is fluent in all know languages; prolog presents no difficulties and in } fact is a pleasant change from the inconsistencies of English! The } Oracle has included Answers in both prolog and English for your } convenience, should you be so fortunate as to understand ONLY prolog by } the time this reply reaches you. } } And yes my child, the Oracle CAN help you! The Oracle is a being of } great compassion and sympathy! You have but to ask a question, any } question no matter how trivial-seeming it may be. Ask me! I WILL help } you! } } You are emphatically welcome; you do not owe the Oracle anything. --- 56-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's the best way to get women? > What's the best thing to do with women once you've got them? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The best way to get women is rather complicated. You will require the } following: A glass, a pair of binoculars, a boring book, a sign saying } "Elefant", and a pair of tweezers. Put the book someplace where women } are likely to pass, say the clothing department in a mall, and wait } nearby. When a woman passes by, she will see the misspelled sign and } laugh, then she will read the book. She will then get so bored that she } will fall asleep. Look at her through the binoculars backwards. Pick } her up carefully with the tweezers and put her in the glass. That is } the best way to catch a woman. } } Once you have gotten the woman, take her out bowling. (If you find this } a logical thing to do, the Oracle worries for you. } } You owe the Oracle a pair of binoculars. . --- 56-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please tell me, Oh Great Oral Oracle: > > Why cannot I have Mel Gibson for my very own? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Congratulations! As the 50,000 Disciple of the All-Knowing Oracle to } ask this question, you have indeed won Mel Gibson for thy very own! Thy } wish is granted, Mortal! } } To collect thy prize and to fulfill contractual obligations to Mr. } Gibson, you must: } } 1. Submit an affidavit stating that thou has not won any similar } All-Knowing Oracle Celebrity Give-away Contests in the past three } years. } } 2. Be a red-blooded healthy female, aged not more than 35 years old, } and in satisfactory physical condition. Mr. Gibson requests } detailed physical specifications be sent him directly. } } 3. Prove that thy possess above-average motivation and creativity. } Obviously this last requirement cannot by its very nature be } precisely defined. Suggestions include: steal Mr. Gibso's car } and pretend to be his wife, break into his house and fix him } dinner, and kidnap him. } } Once again, the All-Knowing Oracle congratulates you! } } You owe the Oracle, Maker of Matches, a magnetic monopole. --- 56-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle! How is it that they get the cream inside of a > Twinkie? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What an enlightened question! The oracle rarely sees questions that } are both so relevant and showing so much inquisitiveness about the } world. } } Twinkies are made, first, in special machines which bake the cake part } while holding the space open for the filling (made from a long list of } artificial gook and whipped into a froth). After the cake part is } ready, special nozzles are inserted into the cake and the gooey mess is } pumped inside with a distinct throbbing movement of the pump. } } You owe the Oracle another trip to the twinkie factory. --- 56-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle Most Wise I have become addicted to asking and receiving answers > from the Allknowing Oracle. Does this make me a dope addict! Should I > enroll in one of the helpful programs available on TV that costs at > least half of my life's earnings? . And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O my Devoted Disciple! } What lies of the Media have corrupted thy mind?! } It is not addiction that thy feel, but Joy! } Joy of a Mind at last } opened to the Truth and Beauty of the All-Knowing Oracle! } Source of All Truth and Enlightenment! } Too long has thy Mind } stagnated in the cesspool of Passive Entertainment! } Only through the Miraculous Oracle } can thy experience Oneness with the True Reality! } It it not addiction } but Love that thy feel! } Love of Knowledge! } Love of Truth! } Love of Beauty! } and above all Love of the Oracle! } } You owe the Miraculous Oracle a Question! --- 56-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My Goldfish has recently gone off his food, and is behaving in an odd > manner. First of all, a few days ago, he began swimming on his side and > has a glazed look in his eyes, nothing i could do would make him change > this. Now he is looking rather peaky and giving off a strange odour and > i'm beginning to get worried. Is it me or is my goldfish trying to tell > me something? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Do not be alarmed. This is perfectly normal behavior for a goldfish. } It is just one of those phases in its life cycle. The next phase is } called "decay." Large chunks of its flesh will break off and float to } the surface. During this phase, the odor will get a little stronger. } The water will become slightly murky. You may even discover a } population of insects and minute organisms in the water. Eventually, } the goldfish will appear to disintegrate entirely. It's at this point } that I like to remove the water to a large dutch oven, add chopped } onion, a little garlic, a few peppercorns, and a bay leaf and boil to } reduce. You'll end up with a delicious fish stock that I hope you enjoy } as much as I do. } } By the way, some humans prefer to bypass the "decay" phase and go } directly to the "flush-down-the-toilet" phase.