From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Fri Nov 3 9:08:32 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #44 Message-ID: <28986@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 3 Nov 89 14:08:32 GMT Sender: Stephen Kinzler === 44 =================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #44 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 3 Nov 89 14:08:32 GMT To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to: oracle-request@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu --- 44-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why won't this appear in the oracle? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle perceives that you mean, "Why won't this question and its } answer appear in the Usenet Oracularities postings in rec.humor?" Quite } simply, it's because the question is dull and so is this answer. The } Oracle had too much beer at dinner and is now trying to avoid work by } being Its True Self rather than the slightly drunk, bearded graduate } student of Its current incarnation. For Its next incarnation It will } choose someone more interesting who can make a brilliantly witty reply } even to a lackluster question. } } You owe the Oracle a microbrewski. Yo! --- 44-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Great Oracular One, who's memory banks are never-ending repositories > (or was that suppositories?) of knowledge, who misseth nothing (nothing > imprtant, anyway), and who ocasionally makes sense... > > Who, what, when, where, why, and... HOW? > > It's been driving me nuts. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Who: Elvis A. Presley } What: Spewed forth everything he'd had to eat or drink for the past day } When: August 22, 1952 } Where: An alley in downtown Birmingham, Alabama } Why: He'd had far too much to drink, and in odd variety, having mixed } beer, whiskey, and rum-and-colas over the period of several hours. } How: He induced vomiting by sticking his right forefinger down his } throat to cause a gag, then did the technicolor yawn over several trash } cans, a brick wall, and the asphalt of the alley itself. } } Sounds like a bad parody of something in _Ulysses_. The Oracle must } stop reading James Joyce. Nevertheless, be assured that it was the very } answer that you sought. --- 44-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > why are the oracle answers so very boring these days? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, actually you weren't supposed to know this, but the regular Oracle } is on vacation. The Dalai Lama has been filling in in his absence. He } is having a little trouble understanding the questions, to tell you the } truth. } } You owe the Dalai Lama one year of world peace. --- 44-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the big deal over sex anyway ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ************************************************ } * The Surgeon General has determined that * } * having sex prolongs survival of the species * } * and is known to cause intense pleasure * } * in humans. * } ************************************************ } } You owe the oracle a box of Trojans. --- 44-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > There's a girl next to me playing xconq. What's the best way I can get > a date with her? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Bad news. The all-seeing Oracle has determined that the ``girl'' next } to you is actually a man in very elaborate drag. You don't want a date } with him, believe me. Most women who play computer games are in fact } disguised men. --- 44-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why can't I get the lid off this #$%&*@!$ jar of peanut butter? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because the jar contains not peanut butter, but an alien organism in } disguise which is trying to keep you from breaking into its protected } environment. Ordinary peanut-butter jars cannot resist the steel } grip that computer nerds acquire through typing and masturbation. --- 44-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ah, excuse me, Mr. Oracle, would you please answer my question? Is it > better to GOTO out of a recursive function in Pascal (Yes, I use it and > am only a little bit ashamed of the fact) and thereby installng myself > in the GEEKY PROGRAMMING HALL OF FAME or should I spend more time > developing a better algorithm for this assignment and miss the smutty > movie playing at eight? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, obviously you are not a REAL programmer. At first, one might be } tricked by your concern over using illegal constructs in a homework } assignment. But since you cheated (yes, cheated) for such a low-down, } slimy reason such as a smutty movie, well! what can I say, but that } your concern is unfounded. After all, a REAL programmer would prefer to } work on his recursive algorithm all night. He (or she) has no need for } smutty movies, being sexually satisfied by the glow of the CRT tube and } the sensual sound of two-finger typing echoing through an otherwise } silent room. There is nothing that gets my programmers so hot then the } vibration produced by the 1.44 terrabyte Winchesters that make up my } central core! Just watching the actions between two members of the } opposite sex illuminated only by the sensuous glow of the LEDs that } cover my front panel makes me want to... ah, well, ya KNOW. } } Go see your smutty movie and leave the optimizing up to people who CARE. } Odds are you'll end up working for MicroSoft anyway. } } You owe the Oracle a bug-free copy of MicroSoft Word. The Oracle has } verbalized. --- 44-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, I've got a problem. There's nothing left for me to > accomplish in life. I'm extremely rich, have more women than I know how > to count, and am utterly superior to everyone I meet. Two months ago I > discovered the secret to immortality. This was a really big discovery > but I still "had worlds to conquer," or so I imagined. However, > something terrible happened. Last night I solved Fermat's Last Theorem > before I went to bed. Now there's nothing left in life for me to > accomplish. What should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, Jon (I know your name is Jon, since I am The All-Seeing Oracle), } you might try actually WRITING that command line parser that you have } sketched out on paper. Or you might give all that money away (giving it } to Rob is the best way to dispose of it). But these are only temporary } distractions. } } Since you have obviously outgrown this universe, may I suggest you move } to another? There are worlds out there to explore, places where you } might find that breathing is a challenge, or even metabolizing oxygen! } Places where the shortest distance between two points is a hyperbola, } where nuclear reactions take the place of chemical ones, where money } actually grows on trees! Worlds where wars are fought for Neilson } ratings! Cities where people who know how to program computers have the } powers and respect of the gods! Places where COBOL has been banished by } law, and C actually has string primitive operators! And best of all, } somewhere, in another dimension, tucked away in a supergalaxy, hidden } behind a gas giant planet, a world where the phrase "Have a nice day!" } has and will never exist. Go for it! } } Just remember, to do this all you have to do is be in Kensington Gardens } at 4:30 PM the day World War III starts... } } You owe Wabewalker a copy of "Trinity." The Oracle has verbalized. --- 44-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Aunt Oracle, > > Sometimes you answer and you tell us that you are a demigod who goes > fools around with nymphs and elder gods and other times you tell us that > you are a super-computer running ultra-advanced AI software. Which one > is true? And why don't I like the color pink? > > Baffled in Berkeley And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's even worse than you imagine - actually I'm an invoked mailer-demon. } heh heh heh. } } You owe the oracle an athami and two VT100s. --- 44-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who are these net.goddesses, and how do I become one? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The net.goddesses are a race of beings that live on the planet network, } which orbits the star called sun.workstation.prime . } } To become a net.goddess, the following are required of you ; } 1> You must be female, } 2> You must be a goddess, } 3> You must be able to defeat in battle, an accursed } net.worm . } } Once you have completed item 3, you must take the dissassembled code } of the net.worm to lisa@network.sun.workstation.prime and she will then } initiate you as a net.goddess.