From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Sat Oct 21 12:37:25 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #26 Message-ID: <28250@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 21 Oct 89 17:37:25 GMT Sender: Stephen Kinzler === 26 =================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #26 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 21 Oct 89 17:37:25 GMT To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. --- 26-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When did Janis Joplin's pimp roast Jane Fonda? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Just between you and me, Jane Fonda is (or was) the United States' } secret weapon against the growing spread of Communism, Liberalism, } Feminism, and exercise. This might seem contradictory, but when you } think about it, having a ditzy actress as spokesperson for these ideals } does more damage to them then anything else. Janis Joplin's pimp, being } a good card-carrying- ACLU-member, roasted her last July. Any recent } appearances of Jane Fonda were clones. Keep this under your hat, ok? } } You owe the Oracle a copy of "The Illuminatus Trilogy." The Oracle has } verbalized. --- 26-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I can smell the Lipton's tea on your breath, huh, you screwball field > mouse? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ERROR: Question too stupid. } NFS File Server Oracle not responding } NFS File Server Oracle OK } Loading Oracle.alt... done } } Sorry, I don't drink tea. It corrodes my circuits. } } You owe the Oracle a marsupial. } The Oracle has verbalized. --- 26-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I ordered a Grand Marnier ice cream with maraschino cherry, they brought > me a blueberry cake with walnuts and candied orange peel, and so I ended > up eating a raspberry cheesecake with maraschino cherry, because of the > Stalinists. Why did this have to happen? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If the Stalinists had kept their walnut and orange covered communistic } blueberry cake, the yin and yang of world peace would be in jeopardy of } being unbalanced and this would cause the Total Order of Things Yet To } Come to become almost as messed up as someone who _volunarily_ studies } Physics for enjoyment. But this would still not explain the early snow } fall received by parts of the United States, according to my weather } database. The lack of the marachino cherry can be readily explained by } carefull examination of recently published statistics. Your chances of } marrying a virgin are less than 1 in 7. Thus, by simple math, the } chances of two virgins marrying is less than 1 in 49. This explains why } the Stalinists revolutionaries were unable to supply you with a } marashino cherry. Cherries are simply in too short supply to waste by } endowing them upon ice cream. } } A recent survey conducted by the Oracle indicates that eight out of ten } Satlinists would serve blueberry cake with walnuts in lieu of Grand } Marnier ice cream if stranded on a desert island. In a similar vein, } 100% of all physicians surveyed said they would not need aspirin if } there were no lawyers present on the same desert island. } } But this still does not {P{{{ and then remove the chains, preferably } using only your mouth. This should solve both of your problems. BTW, } use lime jello for a delightful change. } } ** ERROR IN LINE 81934a RECOMPILE AND RESEND MAIL IN THE MORNING --- 26-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it that all the truly fabulous babes *aren't* in Computer > Science? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If you haven't figured it out yet, my explaination won't be much help to } you. Women suffer from the psycological phenomena called "computer } envy." Like its sister phenomenum "penis envy," women see computers as a } distinctly male appendage. They see computers as something wished for } and yet never really attainable. Something that is the essence of man. } The oracle, having all necessary parts for self reproduction already } attached at birth, doesn't fall prey to the typical human weakness, and } therefore has no qualms about stroking the keys on a keyboard. This } brings us to the crux of the "babe" problem. Whilest good-looking women } have no problem finding a human male to release their pent up } frustrations. The lesser-looking women, through no fault of their own, } have more trouble finding outlets. You can hear comments such as "The } keys on the keyboard were quite firm today" or "The keyboard and I were } as one today" coming from the women who frequent the computers labs of } all great universities. You can also find out how a women will be in a } human sexual situation by how they use a keyboard. *** Warning to human } males, avoid the women who are seen hitting and beating on the keyboard, } unless you happen to have a strong seditive! *** Do strike up } conversations with the women who talk to their terminals, and bluntly } ask to have sex with the ones who stroke and fondle their keyboards with } loving care. This is all the informat allowed to give to you. The rest } you'll have to find out by yourself. Happy hunting. --- 26-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh oracle, > How can you tell if a man is really sleazy? what clues let you know > that a guy is just out for another notch on the old bedpost, as opposed > to something meaningful? > > Thanx. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Here are some generally helpful tests: } } (1) A notched-up bedpost. (This is pretty definitive, but many sleazy } men are getting smart and use metal bedposts, with the notches } micro-engraved. Bring a jeweler's loupe.) } } (2) The usual signs of sexual arousal are also pretty definiative. } Never trust a man with an erection. } } (3) Male genital organs are a pretty sure sign as well. } } (4) A large income is a virtual guarantee of sleaze -- he'll treat you } as something to buy. } } (5) A small income is a virtual guarantee of sleaze -- he's just doing } it so you will support him. } } (6) Breathing. Heavy or not. } } BTW, the same apply for lesbians (especially #3) } } You owe the oracle a new outlook on life. --- 26-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why does anyone give a hoot about Zsa-Zsa. And who gave her that dippy > name, anyway? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } But dahling, Zsa-Zsa has been an inspiration to us all. I couldn't even } count all the hours I spent as a child dressing up in Mommy's jewelry } and furs imitating Zsa-Zsa in front of the mirror instead of going out } and playing baseball with the guys. "New York is where I'd rather be } ...", I'd sing at the top of my squeaky pre-adolescent lungs. Ah, those } were the days ... } } You owe the Oracle your most embarrassing childhood nostalgia. --- 26-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is LISP a communist plot? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No. Fortran and Cobol were communist plots, designed to force } programmers to obey all kinds of arbitrary rules and thereby become } indoctrinated. Lisp is the expression of complete programming freedom. } It's an *anarchist* plot -- and the anarchists hate the communists. } } You owe the oracle a pipe bomb. --- 26-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > why is my calculator broken? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Two days ago, you filled your calculator with hydrochloric acid. Then } you put it in the gamma-ray laser. Then you whacked it eleven times } with a 10-pound sledgehammer. Then you put it in the compression } chamber and turned it up to 2,000 psi. Then you rubbed lipstick all } over it. Then you threw it off of a twelfth-floor balcony. Then you } threw it to the sharks of Madagascar. Then you dropped a 1.2 megaton } nuclear warhead on it. Then you sawed it in half with a hacksaw. Then } you ran it through a Kitchenaid mixer's meat grinder attachment. Then } you dropped it in a black hole. Then you stomped on it, and bit it with } your teeth, and insulted it horribly. } } That's why it doesn't work. } } You owe the oracle two nicad batteries. --- 26-09 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why am I standing in Times Square, naked except for a paisley necktie, a > dildo, and a corset? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because, my son, you are a Reformist Hare Krishna Voodoo Cult Druggie } Biker Neo-Maxi Zoom-Dweebie. } The paisley necktie represents the universe. The corset represents the } boundaries, ever-shrinking, of the universe. The dildo represents the } lonely woman in comfortable shoes. Times Square represents making a lot } of noise and getting money thrown into the hat at your feet until you } SHUT THE FUCK UP. } You owe the Oracle the dildo and 5 chocalate chip cookies. --- 26-10 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, oh pulsating pink and perky one, how can you stop gerbils > exploding when you shag them? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } you are the despicable lout. } } use duct tape