From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Tue Oct 17 19:20:06 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor,in.bizarre Subject: Usenet Oracularities #21 Message-ID: <28026@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 18 Oct 89 00:20:06 GMT Sender: Stephen Kinzler Xref: iuvax rec.humor:30636 in.bizarre:280 === 21 =================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #21 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 18 Oct 89 00:20:06 GMT To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. --- 21-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How many pieces would an IBM AT workstation break into if thrown out of > a fifth story window? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } After having thrown 100 IBM AT workstations out the the window, here } are my results: } } 49 vaporized opon impact, which is good because you can recycle the } silicon, which is the most valuable item in the machine. } 32 dropped onto some Mac's that people upstairs were throwing out the } window. } 18 broke into 3 or more pieces. } 1 hit the designer of the braindead chip the thing runs on. } } You owe the Oracle a 1001 virgins and the book '1001 Kinky Sexual } Positions' by Tammy Baker. --- 21-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What are the three most important rules to live your life by? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The three most important rules to live my life by are as follows: } } 1. Give people wise and witty answers, even if they } happen to be completely fallacious, salacious, } mendacious, or even occasionally veracious. } } 2. Don't piss off the Amalgamated Union of Prophets, Seers, } and Oracles. This means no telling about the future, } except in broad generalities, and being careful even } then. } } 3. Don't drink all that root beer at once. } } Wait, did you mean the three most important rules for HUMANS, generally, } to live their lives by? That's different!... In that case the Oracle } yields to established wisdom: } If I am not for myself, who will be for me? } And if I am only for myself, what am I? } And if not now, when? --- 21-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > There is a saying: To err is Human > To Really foul things up > Requires a computer > > Is this true, If so, what things have you fouled up? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Parding your beggon, dy mear, } I must repeat you to beg that question, } If my /usr/adm/messages was near, } a fist'o'loul-ups would have flooded your station! --- 21-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do they call it catsup if there aren't any cats in it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Foolish mortal! Know you not the history of catsup? } } Listen and learn!!! } } Long ago, in deepest, darkest Italy, Luigi was in his tomato garden. } He found his cat out there, chasing mice in his tomato garden. } } "Whassa matta you, you stupid cat?" cried Luigi, who then tossed } his cat out of the garden. Day after day, he would toss the cat } out of his garden, and day after day, his cat got angrier and angrier. } } One day, Luigi was walking toward his house and was surprised as a } tomato hit him *splat* in the face. His cat, smirking cattishly, } was on the roof with a number of tomatoes, which he used to pelt } Luigi. Repeatedly. } } From that day on, Luigi had to be on the watch for his cat, for if he } failed to notice the cat on the roof, he'd get splattered with the } tomatoes. So he had his son shout "Hey, papa, looka uppa, the cat's } up!" in warning whenever he saw the cat ahead of time. } } Luigi's wife, however, noted the tasty qualities of the pulpy remains of } the tomatoes, and began putting a similar substance on the family's } hamburgers. Since the son's call shortened to 'Cat's Up' later, the } tomato mush also became called 'Catsup'. } } Ask a silly question... } } You owe the Oracle ten White Castles smothered in orange peels. --- 21-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What will I get on my final exam in EE3601? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Blood. As you wail and gnash your teeth in the depths of dispair, you } will invariably bite your lips and tongue and bleed all over. } Sweat. You complete inability to recall facts even remotely related to } any of the questions on the exam will cause you to sweat profusely. } This will begin with the question "Name:_________________________". } Tears. As your carry your exam up to turn in, blubbering like a baby } in your shame and misery, your tears will soak the paper, completely } obliterating any traces of the meaningless scrawls that you had hoped } would be interpreted as correct answers. } } This is what you will get on your exam. } } The Oracle requires a sacrifice of 963 brain cells. Completely pollute } your body will alcohol and/or other toxic chemical substances after the } exam for a period of not less than 24hrs. --- 21-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Will I ever find a great woman? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, you can get in touch with me, if you like ! My name is Tanya, I'm } blonde, 20 years old, into sexual adventures of every kind, and I'd } *really* like to meet you ! Phone me at the following nu } Segmentation violation - core dumped. --- 21-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Will David Letterman ever marry? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually David Letterman IS married, however he keeps this } a secret. He is married to Paul Schaffer ( Pauline Letterman } in real life ). Pauline just wears a skinhead wig on stage. } Ever notice the knowing looks the two sometimes exchange on stage? --- 21-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Just WHO is that short guy always behind George Bush at public > appearances? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle is accessing..... } } FORM DD-230343/22 GOVERNMENTAL EMPLOYEE PROFILE 17 OCT 1989 17.37.09 EST } *CLASSIFIED INFORMATION* -- USE PURSUANT TO INSTRUCTIONS SEC 1.1.3.4-42b } } VILLECHEZE, HERNANDO R. SSN 090-87-5734 } MALE HISPANIC DOB 29 FEB 1949 } H 3'11" W 120 H BR E BR BPL PELAQUAME, MX } NEXT OF KIN: HERVE VILLECHEZE, BROTHER, FANTASY ISLAND } } DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: SHORT, VERY SHORT } PSYCHOLOGICAL PROFILE: ANNOYING, VERY ANNOYING } } POSITION: PRESIDENTIAL AIDE LEVEL: GS-12 DOH: 11 NOV 88 S: 1 SC: TOP } } DESCRIPTION OF DUTIES: } ANNOUNCE ARRIVAL OF AIR-FORCE-ONE/TWO (CODE: LE PLANE LE PLANE) } CHECK ZIPPER OF PRESIDENTAL PANTS BEFORE ANY/ALL PUBLIC APPEARANCES } WEAR JESTER OUTFIT AND ENTERTAIN AT FIRST LADY'S TEA PARTIES } KEY PARTICIPANT IN ANNUAL PRESIDENT'S INVITATIONAL DWARF TOSS } PLAY CHUTES AND LADDERS WITH DANNY } FOOT REST / DOOR STOP / KICK BALL } [EOF] } } You owe the Oracle the head of a Commie in a styrofoam box. } The Oracle has spoken. --- 21-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If I had once been twice as old as people twice as wise as I, > why would all my teeth be gold, and tufted pigs live in the sky? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If you were once twice as old, } As people twice as wise as you, } Then you are aged because I'm told, } A child's wisdom is all that's true. } } Ga-ga-goo-goo. --- 21-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because the pivot point is more than 30 degrees to the left of her } tonsil.