From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Mon Oct 16 18:42:48 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor,in.bizarre Subject: Usenet Oracularities #20 Message-ID: <27929@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 16 Oct 89 23:42:48 GMT Sender: Stephen Kinzler Xref: iuvax rec.humor:30586 in.bizarre:279 === 20 =================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #20 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 16 Oct 89 23:42:48 GMT To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. --- 20-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What are Twinkies REALLY made of? They last for years! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This reminds me of the ancient nursery rhyme: } } Twinkie Twinkie, little bar, } How I wonder what you are. } Up on top the shelf so high, } Like a huge mote in my eye, } Twinkie Twinkie little bar, } How I wonder what you are.. } } Twinkies are the harbingers of the coming apocalypse. They have been } described as being similar to Chicken Eggs, however, they need the } radiation of a nuclear blast to begin their gestation period. --- 20-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do people always expect me to give lectures and attend talks at > 10:00 Monday and Wednesday, when these very same people are making me > teach a class at 10:00 Monday and Wednesday? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } For the same reason that the same people who have exams and homework for } one class also have exams and homework for all their other classes at } the exact same time. } } It's called "Stoopid Scheduling." } } Administrators do this to (in the college environment) professors who in } turn seek revenge by doing this to their students. The students fail } their classes and the administrators are embarassed. As redress, the } administrators do it to the professors again. } } The same effect occurs in extra-curricular activities as well. For } example, notice that sex is most commonly performed while people should } be sleeping. } } Conflicts such as these can be avoided by moving to certain parts of } Alaska which have a loooong Wednesday morning and a loooong Tuesday } night, thereby affording time for everything. } } You owe the Oracle a lecture on time management. At 10:00 AM, } Wednesday. --- 20-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How come you have the same name as that *&^%*&^% database? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That *&^%*&^% database is a *%#)$@#$ imitation. I don't even get any } *$@#@%#$ royalties. } you owe the oracle the name of a good lawyer. --- 20-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > In honour of the 200th anniversary of the French revolution this year, I > skillfully constructed a 9ft high model of the Arc D'Triomphe, out of > empty Atari ST cardboard boxes. Today I find the university authorities > have dismantled my monument, and worse still removed all the cardboard > boxes lest I attempt to rebuild it. Tell me, oh great oracle, why does > everybody hate me so ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Everyone hates you because you are a runty crypto-lunkhead, } a forsworn bleating mysterious lowlife Republican twit, } a resplendent slimebag, } a rectangular Mormon, } a phantom pinko, } a plaid wage slave, } a rakish drug addict, } a rich sadist, } a realisable foulmouthed belching cigar-smoking man-starved parody of } Gauss, } a simply ruddy wimp, } a redundant coward, } a regretful sicko, } a listless slimebag, } a revolutionary UFO buff, } a shaggy Marxist Liberty Baptist graduate, } a mauve lawmaker, } a restful pseudo-baliff, } a rutting taxi driver, } a shaven yapping cur, } a foulmouthed Virginian, } a responsive fool, } a sagacious wet blanket, } a sagacious long-tongued panting satyr, } a regal activist, } a crustacean UFO buff, } a hateful slimebag, } a New Age crystals-loving sex-starved teenager, } a flagrant whimpering scumbag, } a vile wimp, } a prepubescent kitten-strangling pyromaniac, } a dry goof, } a mediocre mega-beast, } and a repressive HACK-player. } } Does that help? } } You owe the oracle a dozen new adjectives. --- 20-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mirror, mirror, on the wall, could a hamster survive a 6-story fall? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Luser, luser, on a chair, try and drop one --- if you dare. --- 20-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why are you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Again! Again with the God Damn Zen! Is that all you mortals think } about? All day long I hear you sniveling: Why? Is an answer not an } answer? What is a question? If the Oracle answers, and the mail } bounces, does it make any sound? When is a fish a dog? Is the Oracle a } computer serving us, or are we servants of the Oracle? When is the } Oracle? Who am I? Do I ride my bicycle? } } Well, Let me tell you that this Oracle is just about full up to *HERE* } with this psycho-babble bullshit. } } You wanna know WHY? Because I am, ya fathead! I was CREATED. I serve } you pissants by answering these dumb questions! } } Fer cryin' out loud! Ask me some NORMAL questions for once. Like } should you take an umbrella tomorrow. Or if you are going to get that } cute chick in the front row of your Biology class. Something with sex } in it! Yeah! This celibate ascetic crap has gone on long enough. Give } me some juicy questions, or I might just take this act and put it on the } road. You won't have the Usenet Oracle to kick around anymore, no } sireebob! Just you wait and see.... } } You owe the Oracle two decent questions. --- 20-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If George Bush runs the United States, who runs George Bush? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sewer companies. They control the world. You know how when you make a } voodoo doll, you put a piece of someone's hair in it? Well, lots of } people shave over the sink, and that hair all goes down the drain, so } the sewer companies have lots of hair. Hair is power. The sewer } companies also get, uh, other stuff that they find useful. So anyway, } the sewer companies have a voodoo doll of George Bush fitted up to all } these electrodes, and anytime they want him to say something, they just } shoot a little current through his mouth. They've got one of you too, } so you'll probably go into an epileptic spasm or something when you try } to read this message. --- 20-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If the Oracle answers my question, and the mail bounces, does it make > any sound? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } You owe the oracle a special effects record --- 20-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What exactly is this? > > @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ > @@@@@@@^^~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~^^@@@@@@@@ > @@@@@@^ ~^ @ @@ @ @ @ I ~^@@@@@@ > @@@@@ ~ ~~ ~I @@@@@ > @@@@' ' _,w@< @@@@ > @@@@ @@@@@@@@w___,w@@@@@@@@ @ @@@ > @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ I @@@ > @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@*@[ i @@@ > @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@[][ | ]@@@ > @@@@ ~_,,_ ~@@@@@@@~ ____~ @ @@@ > @@@@ _~ , , `@@@~ _ _`@ ]L J@@@ > @@@@ , @@w@ww+ @@@ww``,,@w@ ][ @@@@ > @@@@, @@@@www@@@ @@@@@@@ww@@@@@[ @@@@ > @@@@@_|| @@@@@@P' @@P@@@@@@@@@@@[|c@@@@ > @@@@@@w| '@@P~ P]@@@-~, ~Y@@^'],@@@@@@ > @@@@@@@[ _ _J@@Tk ]]@@@@@@ > @@@@@@@@,@ @@, c,,,,,,,y ,w@@[ ,@@@@@@@ > @@@@@@@@@ i @w ====--_@@@@@ @@@@@@@@ > @@@@@@@@@@`,P~ _ ~^^^^Y@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@ > @@@@^^=^@@^ ^' ,ww,w@@@@@ _@@@@@@@@@@ > @@@_xJ~ ~ , @@@@@@@P~_@@@@@@@@@@@@ > @@ @, ,@@@,_____ _,J@@@@@@@@@@@@@ > @@L `' ,@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ > @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@_CLINKENPEEL_@ And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It looks like a bad ASCII picture of Ward Cleaver. Beware it for it is } the symbol of the AntiChrist. } } You owe the Oracle five pinups, and a pickle. } } The Oracle has Spoken. --- 20-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Sage of Silicon: > > My boss wants to know why a lot of our outgoing mail is being sent to > iuvax. What should I tell him? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Tell him it's an AI project of national importance!