From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Wed Oct 11 15:46:17 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor,in.bizarre Subject: Usenet Oracularities #10 Message-ID: <27582@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 11 Oct 89 20:46:17 GMT Xref: iuvax rec.humor:30360 in.bizarre:263 === 10 =================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #10 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 11 Oct 89 20:46:17 GMT To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. --- 10-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How long has Dan Quayle been a brainwashed Soviet zombie? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dan Quayle is NOT a brainwashed Soviet zombie. He is God's curse on the } U.S. for assorted naughtiness. } Bush is the anti-christ. } Gorbachev is actually a 3000 year old Australian vampire. } Margaret Thatcher is a reptilian infiltrator from a parallel earth. } You owe the Oracle 30 copies of The National Enquirer. } The Oracle has spoken. --- 10-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > For three days and nights, I've been trying to get rid of the error > message "sleep: Permission denied" on my screen. Please help me!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That message will persist until midterms are over. } Meanwhile, have plenty of jelly beans on hand. --- 10-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the specific heat of a small child? (i.e.- What amount of heat > needs to be applied to raise to the boiling point?) What is a child's > vaporizing point? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You owe the Oracle your first two children. Due to the special nature } of your question, the Oracle cannot answer until payment is made. } } And don't forget the jelly beans. --- 10-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh ancient and wise Oracle, who's mind scans the universe, who knows all > that is unknown, who is on first name basis with most of the gods of > Asgard, > What is the best brand/type of condom? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh seeker after wisdom, your question is indeed an upright one. } Upon receiving your query, the initiates of the oracle did begin } immediate investigation. The vestal virgins and acelibate priests } were called in, and did perform all acts of pleasure with many } and various brands/types of condoms. } } I, as The Oracle, did oversee this debauchery, and penetrated } deep into the depths of the issue. As with many questions, the } answer is complicated. } } You neglected to specify what you wanted to use these condoms } for, so I will do my best. } } For water balloon action, non-lubricated plain Trojans are the best. } Good, sturdy, work-horse latex tubes. } } For prevention of the transmission of sexually transmissible } diseases, "natural" lamb condoms are the worst. Condoms treated with } nonoxynol-9 and with a reservoir tip are best. } } For prevention of pregnancy, they are all rather similar, though } the reservoir tip does reduce the chance of breakage slightly. } } For pure pleasure, and a good job at the above, LifeStyles are } great. Take your pick from the different kinds. I like the Nuda, } but the others are also good for your coital needs. } } And remember, all acts of love and pleasure are my rituals. } } Hail Eris! Hail Inanna! Hail Yes! --- 10-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the average radius of splatter from a person dropped one hundred > feet? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, my child... There is no simple answer to this question. } It requires many years of study and much experimentation to } arrive at an answer. Naturally I have done so. } } First a definition. The splatter zone is defined to be a circle } of radius R about the impact point such that 66% (by mass) } of the, er, protoplasm is contained within the circle. } } The size of the splatter zone is directly proportional to the } volume and consistency of the goop contained in the human. } Therefore, a person like Roseanne will have a considerable } splatter zone - not to mention ground zero, while, say, Emmanuel } Lewis' demise would be scarcely observable (but very enjoyable } no doubt). } } The splatter zone also depends on the altitude from which the } object departs. Thus, it is theoretically possible to have } both Roseanne and Mr. Lewis generate identical splatter zones, } but in practice Mr Lewis would burn up upon reentry. } } You are encouraged to perform your own experiments. I suggest } that you start with fish (guppies, goldfish, salmon) and work } your way up. Always use live subjects, since dead ones tend } not to thrash around so much on the way down, which can greatly } reduce the interest of the observers. The dropping of objects } larger than Orson Welles is not recommended - the mess is just } too big. } } All that said, the splatter zone for the average adult human } from a standard 12 story building is about 2 meters (with a } large standard deviation). --- 10-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How did Man come into existance? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, you see, God forgot to use a condom... } } You owe the oracle three hickeys. --- 10-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > I'm being followed by some strange creature that, when I turn to look > at it, zips behind me. I KNOW other people can see it, they just won't > admit it. I've tried to look in a mirror, but it's too clever for that. > What is this thing and how can I make it go away? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's a troll. Try leaving plenty of chocolate chip cookies around. } If that doesn't work, leave the country. --- 10-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How does one justify the need to "seize the day" while also > desiring to "prepare for tomorrow". You see, I could get > hit by a bus tomorrow-- in which case I shouldn't have bothered > to study this evening. On the other hand, if I don't die and I > fail my exam tomorrow, I may end up driving the bus. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You sound as if studying for your test is not 'seizing the day'. The } true meaning of seizing the day is the maximum realization of your } potential, right now. If you go out and play hacky-sack or frisbee or } whatever it is you would rather be doing instead of studying, this is } seizing the day, but in a much lesser degree since the degree of self } improvement is much less. The effects of relaxation of transitory, and } your increase in skill level will probably be minute. On the other } hand, studying for your test is an attempt by you to become one with the } topic, and in doing this, you will have already taken the test and } passed. Since the bus hitting you was pre-ordained, you will have } milked the most out of life by acquiring knowledge. The oracle has } spoken. } } You now owe the oracle 1 grasshopper and 1 oreo cookie. --- 10-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If a small furry puppy dog exploded on the south pole, would people > still say that the cute lovable creature had blown "up"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Since such an experiment would most likely be carried out under the } aegis of the US military-industrial complex, I doubt that anyone capable } of recognizing the cuteness or lovability of the pup would ever be in a } position to comment. Observers might report that the bio-unit } participated in an irreversible phase-change. --- 10-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where do I find the perfect woman? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 1) You may find the perfect woman in Hank's Diner, 171 West Main St., } Gronghammer, Maryland. Better hurry, though. She'll only be there } another hour or so. } } 2) You asked the wrong question, though. You really wanted to find the } woman who is best for you. Her name is "Toluemeia Gnelfru } Pasawattawa," and she can be found on the lost continent of Atlantis } pretty much any time you look after 8405 BC, in time stasis, in a } green glass tube. } } You owe the oracle your firstborn child.