From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Mon Oct 9 17:11:53 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor,in.bizarre Subject: Usenet Oracularities #3 Message-ID: <27411@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 9 Oct 89 22:11:53 GMT Xref: iuvax rec.humor:30282 in.bizarre:254 === 3 ==================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #3 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 9 Oct 89 22:11:53 GMT To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. --- 3-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's the meaning of life, if any? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The meaning of life, my child, is a complex idea, far beyond the mental } capacities of mortals. However, life is like a computer program, some } are good, some are bad, all have different functions. And when you are } done, you must pay the author so get a better registered version. --- 3-02 --- offensive --------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, please answer me this : > > I have recently acquired the urge to get severely beaten by a good > woman. Unfortunately a good woman with complimentary urges is hard > to come by. Where exactly can I get one from and how do I recognise > that she is indeed the one for me ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The person in question may acquire such a female in any given } leather bar in the SF Bay Area. The person will know that the woman } is the one for him/her because his/her name will be tatooed on her } left buttock. --- 3-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > how may one obtain true wisdom in this world without the use of a 31 MIP > color UNIX workstation with two 351 megabyte disks and internet access? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Wisdom cannot be achieved through the mere use of a colour Unix } workstation even if it does have two 351 megabyte disks AND internet } access. For true wisdom one requires a black and white workstation for } this provides greater resolution and a far steadier display. Until you } possess this you will never know true wisdom. } } Take it from me, though - true wisdom ain't all it's cracked up to be. --- 3-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Whenever I eat mushrroms with a delicate cream sauce, I have an > overwelming urge to blind people I don't even know. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Astoundingly, even to the ever-wise and all-knowing ORIFICE, } 'er ORACLE, your problem is you cannot spell properly. } } MUSH-R-ROMS are ROMS that are to be used to store copyrighted (R) } software (MUSH). "Mushrooms" or "rooms" as we used to say in the } context of "za" at the Oregon State AbNormal School for Oracles } are for eating! Since MUSH-R-ROMS are irradiated in order to } store data, it is clear that the radiation has disturbed your } lateral geniculate and has given you "seer" envy, in which you } blind innocent bystanders, and ask the ORACLE, dumb questions. } } To avoid this problem in the future where "Seer-Sucker" PJs! } } Signed, } } ORACLE, speaker of truth, cross-licenser of patents, and mentor } to Soderbloom. --- 3-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I want to come by bike tomorrow. Will the weather be good enough ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Little acid raindrop in the air of ASDARTZ, third planet of Betelgeuse. } As you choose not to show the right attitude with respect to Us, the } great Usenet Oracle, you will be punished. } } Thus it was said, that on every day two-wheeled transportation was } choosen, rain was falling on you. And, further it was said, that on } every day four-wheeled transportation was choosen, the sun was heating } your squirmy almost invisible brain out. } } And remember! Those who want to walk in the sun, take their umbrella } with them, and those who expect rain, take swimming lessons. --- 3-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have a problem with extreme flatulence. Whenever I move suddenly, a > great gust of methane erupts from my buttocks. This can be extremely > embarassing at times, especially when the said eruption is accompanied > by a noise not unlike a chorus of trumpeteers. > > I'm at my wits end. What can I do ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Maybe if you whistle a horn part along with it no one will notice. --- 3-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle, tell me: Why are people so stupid? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } One day, a man, who though himself better than most, sought to find a } measure for that most godly of gifts, intelligence (not to be confused } with military intelligence, which is disapproved of by both the gods } and Groucho Marx). So he defined a number, which was 100 for an mediocre } brain, higher for a better, and lower for a worse. } } However, as a part of the Great Convenant between the gods and men, the } Divine Normalisation Institute (DNI) ruled that every rating should be } between 0 and 100, 100 indicating a maximum. Thus, man was condemned to } mediocrity. --- 3-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is there kiwi fruit? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There are Kiwi fruits so that there is more food that you cn } laugh at. Think about it, how much food can you really laugh at? Not } much. Rice is a staple, as is potatoes, pasta, and flour. Therefore } there needs to be something to laugh at, thus kiwi fruit. Ever look } at a Kiwi fruit? It does not even look right, now does it? I mean, } really, what kind of fruit looks fuzzy and green. If I saw something } like that sitting on the counter, I would figure it to be a lime gone } bad, but no, it's a kiwi. } So Kiwi's are here to confound and amuse. } Have a lemon. --- 3-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do the following exist: (a) pain and suffering > (b) Beverly Hillbillies reruns > (c) Films starring John Travolta > ... and are they related? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } a) pain & suffering exist for the indulging in sexual pleasures. } b) beverly hillbillies reruns exist to get the male organ going for elle } may. } c) so males can feel superior, for everyone looks better than travolta. } } Yes they are related for without these how could one live a life for } of sin. --- 3-10 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have had diarrhea now for several years and a diagnosed, > stress-induced spastic colon. Is there anything I can do, oh mighty > one, to stop this seething flow of bubblin' crude? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Take Peto-Bismol